A New Day…
24th October 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
It’s 11.55. I hope you’re okay my lovely, you slept well and happily, and you loved your drive in this morning. The sun’s shining gloriously today. So beautiful. It really is a new day {} xxx
I hope you’re having a really good start and everything’s okay. You haven’t got long too go now, and then you can thoroughly enjoy your very special week {} xx I wanted to send you Enjoy Yourself (It’s Later Than You Think), by The Specials. I was completely shocked when I came across the original by Guy Lombardo, in 1949. I always thought it was originally by The Specials.
I saw the news of Plaid Cymru beating Reform in Caerphilly as soon as I woke up. It’s such a huge relief. The polls have been terrifying. It’s such a critical time isn’t it? The next election feels like the Brexit vote all over again, but hopefully the result will be different this time. Today’s given me hope.
It’s 12:12. I’m struggling badly and feel very ill today. I really hope you’re not completely shattered my lovely. Not long now until you can fully switch off, rest and recharge. We both can {} xx
It is well and truly over with my family. That was the last connection. I didn’t think it would hit me so hard, but I do feel the pain. I never knew I had such a deep longing to be accepted and loved by my family. I wish I didn’t. It’s been there since my mum died.
I’ve repressed so much. I shoved it away and never really thought about it consciously. I tried to forget and move on, but repressing everything stopped me from moving on freely. I was still chained to it.
I’m finding myself going through so many different thoughts and emotions. After feeling the immense pain of the loss, I felt some anger and then I felt like a bad person. I started to think that it was me. I thought I’d done something wrong, or there’s a problem with who I am, and how I am. Do I need to change? Do I need to go back into my shell?
I thought it was because of my illness, and not being able to have video calls with them, but then Liron reminded me that it was like this before I got ill. She’s right.
I also started to think that I’m unlovable. Despite how everyone else is around me, those feelings still resurface. I think I just wanted to be loved and accepted by my family. It’s what I longed for, but it’s never going to happen.
I am terrified of getting hurt. I never consciously felt this before because I was so used to getting hurt, let down and disappointed. I was expecting it. But then it changed, my heart was opened and it’s thankfully never been the same again. It would be so easy to close it again, but I can’t because I know how much joy it brings. The pain is tiny in comparison.
Talking honestly is so important, and it can be done in a non-confrontational way, with understanding and compassion. I sadly don’t think this is a possibility with them. They’re lovely people, their values are similar, but we’re too different in how we are. Naturally, the effects of trauma for all of us comes into it as well. They’ve also been through a lot.
I wish they could tell me. It would be less painful, and there’s a chance of clearing any misunderstandings. So much can be avoided. We can’t read each others thoughts or needs. They need to be expressed clearly.
I didn’t want anything from them, apart from a normal conversation, like I do with everyone else. I don’t think that’s asking for very much. Sadly, they’re not able to do that. I’m sure it’s not intentional, but it came across as being cold and uncaring. Silences and simple questions being ignored were deafening. I couldn’t ignore how it made me feel.
It felt like they didn’t want to engage in the brief and sparse encounters. Perhaps this was their way of creating distance without telling me. Perhaps they wanted it to end. Perhaps I’m a reminder of the bad things about the family. Perhaps I unknowingly upset them. Perhaps they want to get on with their lives without that baggage, and rightfully so. There are so many perhapses. I will never know.
All I know is that I came away feeling the complete opposite to how I feel with everyone else who’s in my life. I know where I want and need to be. I’ve spent a huge chunk of my life feeling as I do with them, and I no longer want to feel that way anymore. This illness amplifies everything because I have such little energy, but it also amplifies the things that are important and healthy for me.
I can’t do the basics and I can’t be who I used to be, but my core self and values are still the same. I can still love, care and support. I just sadly can’t show it very often, usually just once a year for many, but those moments are extremely special and precious to me.
Everyone has been so wonderful, caring and understanding. I don’t choose to be like this. I don’t have a choice. I’m not quite sure if they understood this. From how I write and my photos, I seem absolutely fine and healthy, but I’m not. As I write this, Liron telling me that it was like this before I got ill, came to mind…
It’s 15:27. I’ve been taking rest breaks so it’s taken me much longer. The weather’s awful. It’s completely changed since I started writing this to you. It’s dark and raining. I really do hope you don’t get too wet my lovely. I hope it stops by the time you leave. Get home safely and quickly. If you go out after work, have tons of fun for me too {} xxx
Take the greatest care of yourself my precious sweetheart. Thoroughly enjoy the start of your very special celebratory week. Here’s Celebration by Kool and The Gang just for you {} xxx
I imagine you’ll be meeting some of your loved ones, you’ll go out for some amazing meals, and you’ll enjoy some stunning autumnal walks. Brilliant!! I’m so happy for you!! Love every single gorgeous moment for me too. Also, take it nice and gently, and very restfully {} xxx
I’m thinking of you and I love you with all my heart. I’m hugging you super tightly {} xxxx
It’s 16:24 and the sun’s coming out to celebrate with you!! Beautiful!! Have tons and tons of fun for me too, as well as some tantalising and soothing medicine {} xxx I hope to have a tiny bit of our special gin soon, and I’ll raise the glass to you. A very happy special you week my lovely. Hug, hug. Kiss, kiss. I love you {} xxxx
It’s 18:54. I’ve just heard James McCartney’s new song Heaven. I imagine you’ve already heard it, but I’m sending it to you just in case {} xx It is uplifting. Yes, it’s gonna be okay… The intro reminds me of The Passenger by Iggy Pop. What do you think?