Abandonment…
22 January 2025
I only got a glimpse of it in December, then it disappeared because of everything else. The realisation and feelings of abandonment are finally hitting me properly. You just left…
It takes time to process things. I don’t know why this surprises me. It’s taken me decades to process many things. This so painful. It hurts.
8.00pm
I just watched Rebekah del Rio sing Llorando in Mulholland Drive. It’s utterly gut-wrenching. I’m crying my heart out. Her emotional rendition of Crying is how I’m feeling. I think Roy Orbison would have been incredibly moved by it as well.
I think dissociation is easier, but then I also know it means all of these things would be stuck, unprocessed, like all the other trauma I’ve experienced. I can’t do that with you. I can’t do that to myself. I don’t want to. No more running away.
These letters started as letters of love and regret, but I feel they’re about healing as well.
I really do need to start taking care of myself though. It really has gone out of the window since…
24 January 2025
It hurts. My heart really hurts. Your very last words are sinking in. That mantle was never mine. That responsibility was never yours.
I wish I wasn’t feeling these emotions at the moment. They’ve taken over and my sense of self has gone. The pain and upheaval are the effects of losing you, but my feelings are my feelings. They just are, in the same way my love for you is unconditional.
My feelings are my responsibility, and I need to work through this the best way I can.