Aftermath…
3rd March 2025
I know I’m supposed to have a break but this thing has me in its vice like grip. I feel so ill, but I need to express how I feel. It’s a desperate need. I can’t control it.
I now understand why I needed to wait until I’d put myself back together again. I’ve fallen apart as I knew I would, but this is a combination of my past as well. I know this. Triggers are triggers for a reason. It was sadly reignited with your very brief contact. You weren’t to know any of this my lovely {} xxx
I am feeling the raw pain of being abandoned, unwanted and broken. I wonder if I’m at the core of that pain. It feels like I am. I feel so lost and in despair. I still feel there’s something fundamentally wrong with me, and that I’m doing something wrong.
I’m taking full responsibility once again, despite logically knowing that I’m not. Objectively I know I haven’t done anything wrong, but my inner child feels differently. She’s blaming herself. She also wants to put it right, and so do I, desperately.
My therapist told me that this would be another core belief of mine, which ultimately reinforces being unlovable and broken, and being a bad person. Taking on all the responsibility of trying to help put things right for someone else, is something that’s impossible. She’s right, it can also hold them back as well. Crutch comes to mind.
In the past, I felt a huge responsibility for everyone, it didn’t matter who they were. I felt I had to help. I felt their pain and wanted to make them feel better. I felt it was my responsibility to do this. It also took so much energy and it left me feeling helpless as well. I’ve thankfully learnt with experience that it’s not my responsibility, but it’s still there at my core. I feel it right now.
I feel my therapist is right, unconsciously, since being a child, I must’ve thought this was a way of being loved and accepted, especially by my dad. I did feel responsible for him after my mum died, but he reinforced it by making me feel responsible for his emotions and for what he was doing to me.
I was never consciously aware of all of this until today, but it does make sense.
It does feel like I’m heading towards a black hole. The gravitational pull is too strong. I hope I’m not spaghettified and that it leads to the growth of a new star instead.
NASA’s video of Data Sonification: Black Hole at the Center of the Perseus Galaxy Cluster, just popped up on my feed. It sounds quite harrowing, and it resonates with how I feel at the moment.
Funnily one of the concepts I have in mind is translating one of these letters into sound. This is where the moon might be coming in.
In some ways it feels like these letters are writing themselves. I altered the Black Hole photograph three weeks ago, but I didn’t think I’d need it. It now expresses how I feel perfectly.
I just opened YouTube and a new song by Doves, A Drop in the Ocean, was waiting for me. Again it couldn’t be more aptly timed. Yes, you’re not here…
2.34pm
I never, ever want you to think that I don’t love you or I don’t care about you. I love you and I care for you with all my heart and soul, I honestly do. I’m in tears as I write this and my heart’s breaking, it really is. I’m hugging you even tighter than the very last time {} xxxx