Asking for Help…
13th February 2026
Good morning my most beautiful and precious starshine,
It’s 07:30. I hope you slept soundly and restfully my lovely. Enjoy your delicious and nourishing breakfast {} xxx
The first thing that popped up on my feed was a clip from The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Hole. The boy asks the horse, “What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever said?” To which he replied “Help. It isn’t giving up. It’s refusing to give up”.
He’s absolutely right. I’m needing to do a lot of this with this illness, and I haven’t been let down. It is the complete opposite to how it was at home. Asking for help still feels extremely scary, but my heart’s filled with gratitude when it’s given.
It’s so wonderful you saw it on Christmas Day as well, and that you also loved it. I remember telling you how it made me cry. You were surprised when I told you that I felt like the boy, and that the mole, fox and horse reminded me of you, Liron and another dear friend.
I’ve always been that boy, and I still feel it. I’m not sure if it’ll ever fully go, but my heart’s filled with love and gratitude for all of you. I’m no longer alone, and you’re all helping me go through this, even in your absence. I thank you all with all my heart, I really do {} xxx
I honestly don’t know what happened with the remaining two members. My very last contact was after my second iron infusion. They’d just returned from their holiday and hoped I had a good birthday. I told them I’d been ill with the anaemia, but how wonderful it was go to the garden straight after my second iron infusion. It had been a few years since I could said hello to it.
I also asked them two simple questions about themselves, and they never answered. One was where they went on holiday, and the other was something for them, which had a deadline. I was greeted with complete silence, and I haven’t heard anything since. It is over.
I’ve asked myself, perhaps I didn’t show enough care, I didn’t do enough. I know they preferred a call, but this illness doesn’t allow it. Everyone else has understood. I also wondered if they believed me. I wondered if they believed that I’m as ill as I actually am.
I never wanted or expected their help in any way. There’s nothing anyone can do. Despite long silences with everyone, it’s the mutual love, care and understanding that keeps me going. That’s all I needed. I just needed them to be a friend, nothing more, but they’re not able to.
I do need to apply for PIP, but I need to wait a while. With everything going on at the moment, I just don’t have the energy or mental capacity. I can’t cope with what I have to deal with.
My occupational health therapist kindly wrote a supporting statement for the application. She wrote about how much I can do and how I struggle. It did shock me, and it sounds incredibly bleak and terrifying. I am severely ill.
My energy is probably between 5-10% of a healthy person. If I go over it, then my immune system is triggered. As you know, I can also deteriorate further if I keep going over my limit, which I have. It really is terrifying, especially with no proper medical treatments. Further deterioration is a matter of life or death for me.
It’s this realisation that made me feel angry with both of them. I did as much as I possibly could. I did express my love and care towards them. My genuine interest in them was met with silence. It felt like they didn’t want to engage.
I don’t think they realise how they come across, so it’s probably not intentional. But with their complete silence after my last message, it does feel like they wanted to end it.
It wasn’t healthy for me. I don’t have the energy to go through the pain of feeling rejected by them, after every interaction. I don’t want to beg for their love. With everyone else, the interaction and sharing is mutual. There’s no ambiguity.
A short animation of Metamorphosis also popped up this morning, but I then came across Metamorfosis, a short film by Fran Estévez. I think you might enjoy it, especially visually. I think it’s brilliant artistically, and it captures the disturbing atmosphere perfectly. I hope you enjoy it my lovely. I’d love to hear your thoughts about it {} xx
I’ve thankfully never been made to feel like Gregor with this illness. I also know that I would never put my life in the hands of my family. I would never ask for their help, even if it’s a matter of life or death. I’d choose the latter. I could never trust them.
The very last time I asked for their help was to keep me safe from my dad, and my grandfather said no. He gave me no choice but to leave home and cut all ties. They then put all the blame onto me to absolve any responsibility. Shame on them.
The other thing that came to mind when I read the supporting letter was, “but this is not who I am”. It’s at that point I realised, despite the constant daily struggle, there’s much more to me than this illness. The essence of me is still alive. I still see, feel and appreciate the joy and beauty in everything. I’m still me. I’m not dead.
It’s 08:53. I didn’t expect to write all of this. You must be on your way in. My curtains are still closed, but it sounds wet outside. I hope it’s not too bad my lovely, and you don’t get too wet. Get there safely {} xx
It’s time to make face, teeth and tum happy. I need a complete rest day. I do need to make my oils, but shower has to sadly wait.
Take the greatest care of yourself my precious angel, and have a wonderful day. Coffee will give you lots of comforting hugs and kisses from me too. I hope it zooms by, and then you’re completely free to do as you please. Brilliant!!! {} xxx
Here’s Get Up And Get Down by The Dramatics, to welcome in your much needed holiday. I really hope you’re not too exhausted {} xx
I love you, I love you, I love you, and I’m sending you tons and tons of magical healing and protective love, with humungous hugs and kisses. Take care my lovely {} xxxx
In the same way my illness isn’t who I really am, my face and its condition isn’t who I really am either. It’ll take time for me to truly know this. Little by little…