Being Hit by the Realisations…
25th November 2025
Good morning my most beautiful and precious starshine {} xxx
How are you? I really do hope you’re okay, and you slept well and very soundly. I also hope you’re having a really good start to the week, and everything is going well. I imagine it will be non-stop. Coffee will be extra special, and will give you lots of energising hugs and kisses from both of us {} xxx
I wanted to write this yesterday, but I didn’t have the energy. I still don’t and I’m feeling very ill, but I need to write this. The realisations I’m having are really hitting me, especially knowing that I’ve never really been a bad person. I honestly thought I was the most horrendous person on the planet.
After I left home, the only bad thoughts I really had were warning signs about people, so they weren’t even bad thoughts. I couldn’t trust these thoughts and shut them down, because I felt really bad and guilty for having negative thoughts about people. This meant I couldn’t always keep myself safe, until after I met Liron.
When it came to people, I was aware of every single thing I said or did. I needed to make sure I didn’t inadvertently upset them in any way whatsoever, whether it was real or imagined. That was never my intention. I needed to make sure they were happy and not angry or upset, especially with me. That doesn’t sound healthy does it? It was incredibly draining, but it’s all I knew until I met Liron.
I spent so much energy worrying if I thought I had said the wrong thing. Everything was censored, but I didn’t know it then. I was in turmoil if I thought I was the cause of their upset. Again, I felt responsible for all their feelings and blamed myself. I now realise that 99% of the time, their bad moods had nothing to do with me. It was caused by someone or something else. Many times it was their own insecurities, and they took it out on me. I was always there for them regardless…
Again, not everyone was like this, just a few, but that was more than enough. The worst person that was in my life after leaving home, isolated me from everyone for eleven years. I lost so many friends. You know who this is.
They groomed me so that they could sexually abuse me. They convinced me that I needed to do it in order to heal. I could finally say no and put a stop to it, after I recovered the first memories of the sexual abuse by my dad, when I was nine and eleven.
The person had full control, and made me reliant and dependent on them. I did everything for them because I thought they were helping me. I willingly sacrificed myself for them, and they knew this. This is another reason why I do everything unconditionally. I don’t want anyone to ever feel this way with me. This is something I could never live with. It’s morally and ethically wrong.
I couldn’t switch off from feeling like a bad person, even when I was in my own company. It was horrendous and it drained all my energy. My life was never mine. It belonged to others. Their needs and feelings were far more important than mine. They took presidence and I couldn’t say no. I had to be there for them all the time.
So much time and energy was wasted. It held me back from living my life freely. The worst thing was how it made me feel. I felt wretched and I absolutely hated myself. My dad’s cruel words were constantly hounding me. Up until Liron, this is all I knew.
These behaviours are the result of my dad and family putting all the blame and responsibility onto me, because they couldn’t bare to look at themselves. They couldn’t take any responsibility for their words, actions and behaviours.
They convinced me I was the most ugliest and horrendous person on the planet. It was I who was the bad person because I caused their upset, anger and rages. I was responsible for all my dad’s feelings and abuse. He absolved himself from all responsibility, guilt and shame, and put it onto me.
Finally seeing this with absolute clarity is infuriating me. I feel the anger as I write this, and I have every right to feel this anger. That bastard along with the others in the family, fucked me up in every single way, and that cycle continued because it’s all I knew. I thought I deserved to be treated this way for being such a bad and despicable person.
This realisation is so painful because my life didn’t need to be the way it was. All those decades lost. I couldn’t fully live freely or peacefully. Triggers and self-hate were on top of it. I was constantly tormented, but it wasn’t of my own choosing or making. It was because of those fuckers at home, the harm they inflicted, and for them not taking any responsibility for any of it. Even now.
What happened after I left home was extremely bad as well, but I wouldn’t have gotten into those situations if I could’ve trusted the warning signs, and didn’t blame myself for everything. I had no concept of boundaries because every single one was crossed by my dad. What I thought was helping to keep the peace, was slowly destroying my confidence and sense of self.
Up until I met Liron, I was scared of most people. She really saved me, and she showed me another way of being with how she treated me. She treated me like my mum did, and it was unconditional. That was the beginning of my changes, along with therapy, the course, you and everyone else who is in my life now.
I have been able to spot and trust the warning signs, with the help of Liron and therapy. You’ve helped in recent years as well. Thank you so, so much my lovely {} xxx
I’m finally beginning to keep myself safe, and not be riddled with guilt and torment for doing so (outside of the triggers). Feeling like a bad person is still there, but now that I know where it’s coming from, I can finally start quieting that unfounded and harmful voice.
All these thoughts, feelings and insecurities resurfaced during my triggered states with you. I imagine you can now see it as clearly as I do. This is why I always thought I did something wrong if I sensed any changes. Inconsistency is sadly triggering for me. I thought I was the bad person. I thought you hated me as much as my dad did…
I didn’t think any of these things outside of the triggers with, and there was no confusion.
It also explains why I felt completely responsible for what happened in November, despite knowing you were badly triggered. We both were. I just wanted to help you. That was part of the turmoil I was feeling. It started easing after our contact this year. Thank you so, so much my lovely {} xxx
I really do hope you are okay, and I have been able to help in some way, whether it was at the time, or through these letters if you’re reading them. I really hope so {} xxx I wish I could speak with you directly.
I want to tell you about another realisation I had yesterday, thanks to Turner. Hopefully later if I can, if not then as soon as I can. I need to make face, teeth and tum happy, and then rest. I need lots of rest…
It’s 09:41. You’ll be at work. I hope the sunshine helped brighten your drive in. I’m keeping everything crossed the traffic is normal now {} xx
You take the greatest care of yourself my precious angel {} xxx Have wonderful day with lots of magic moments. Sun’s looking forward to joining you for coffee and lunch. Thoroughly enjoy every delicious sip and mouthful for me too xx
I love you and I’m sending you tons and tons of magical healing, comforting and protective love, hugs and kisses. They’ll be with you all the time {} xxxx
It’s 17:17. I just saw the stunning crescent. They took me by surprise when I closed the curtains. I hope you’ve enjoyed your journey home with them {} xxx
Take the greatest care of yourself my lovely, and enjoy the most gorgeous, magical and restful evening. Take it gently with lots of love and care for me {} xxxx