Betrayal…
24th January 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine {} xxx
Along with the word evil, betrayal is another word I don’t use lightly. After I left home, there were three people who I felt betrayed by. A colleague, someone I thought of as a sister, and the biggest of course was the perpetrator, who I saw as a father. That’s the thing, everyone saw him as a wise fatherly figure. Someone they could always go to.
When I think of betrayal, for me it’s when I put my trust in someone and they deliberately do things to harm me, especially behind my back. They lie, deceive, manipulate and control. I guess the crux of it is that they end up being completely different people to who I thought they were. They turn out to be quite dangerous and toxic. They were the one’s who caught me completely unawares.
I have experienced the very worst of human nature. There’s a lot of I haven’t touched on, especially with the perpetrator. I became bulimic not long after it was over. I thought it was because I’d lost everything so abruptly and unexpectedly. I didn’t really connect it directly to him, and everything associated to him, including the deception.
He was my family. I saw him as a father. I loved, cared and looked after him. I trusted him and I relied on him. I didn’t do anything wrong, but I feel so much shame and guilt. I think this is why it was easier for me to push it away and bury it. I did my best to try and forget him and everything that happened. I needed to pretend I didn’t care about him. This was the only way I could cope with the collosal mess. I dissociated.
Yes, I did hate him at the end, and I was horrified to see the monster he really was. He didn’t give a shit about me. He’d use anyone, and with me being on my own without family, I was perfect for him to do what he wanted. His mask was fully off. He was horrible. The only person he cared about was himself. I’d known him for eleven years, but I didn’t know him at all. He was a total stranger. This is a complete mind fuck in itself.
If I’d known, I would never have been there. I wouldn’t have done all the work towards the case. I made sure he was well enough for the trial. He really put me through it. I genuinely thought he’d be clearing his name, and life would go back to how it was. How wrong was I?!! When the police came, it wasn’t just his life that was turned upside down, it was mine as well, but it ultimately gave me my freedom.
He was a dangerous predator. I was one of his victims, but he framed it so that it was to help me with my problems. Having read all the victims statements, what he did to me was worse than any of them.
Just writing this has unlocked something. There is a lot of pain there, as well as anger, guilt and shame. It’s time to start acknowledging everything. Yes, there is a lot to work through. I have to face all my thoughts and feelings. Nothing is ever black and white is it?!! I wish it was.
Despite all the negative experiences, I’m so thankful that I can still see the good in people; that I can still trust, love and care. I can still see beauty. I have all of you to thank for restoring my faith in humanity. You’ve all helped to counterbalance the bad, and I thank you with all my heart, I really do {} xxx
Thank you so, so much my precious angel. I love you and I’m hugging you extra tightly {} xxxx