Category: Letters of Love and Regret

Conception of Echo Chamber of Regrets

Posted on by Priti Patel

I had the letter writing project in mind 8 years ago, and planned to ask people to write letters of their regrets. It’s now found its way to me to help me express what I need to during this grieving process.

The idea of having an echo chamber came to mind a few days after experiencing Haroon Mirza’s brilliant The Apavilion of Then and Now, at the Ikon gallery in 2018. Watching this video has brought back my experience clearly.

Due to the darkness, it felt like I was walking into the unexpected. I might be wrong, but I remember the floor of the corridor to be at a slight angle, which added to the uneasiness of the experience. I didn’t know what I was walking into. I remembered the walls to be made of black rubber spikes.

There were moments of darkness and then the circular LED light buzzed and appeared. It was a small enclosed space, so it felt very intimate. I felt an uneasiness with the buzzing of the light as well. It had a very powerful effect on me, and I was engulfed in the experience.

The room initially reminded me of my Morse code concept room …. . .-.. .–. (Help). I remember thinking it would work as an installation.

…. . .-.. .–. 2017

I loved the whole exhibition and felt very excited by it. Still do. It was 6 years ago but I remember it clearly. It’s inspiring to see how Haroon uses materials and technologies to best express the ideas he wants to convey. This is how I try to work as well.

I equated the echo chamber to being our mind, and I imagined people’s regrets being heard as echoes. I planned to ask if they would record their voices expressing their regrets, and I would use them in the installation.

I also felt it might be a cathartic experience for the people to express their regrets in the open. They could do it anonymously so they could speak freely.

I know with myself, some regrets have stayed with me and still haunt me when they come to mind. There’s guilt, shame and an uneasiness attached to them as well. They echo like ghosts, but the emotions and feelings of regret are still quiet raw. Perhaps it’s because they haven’t been processed.

I now have so many new regrets that keep churning and echoing in my mind and stomach, especially during the last few days together. I just wish I could put it right and let you know how truly and deeply sorry I am.

My letter, Your Final Act of Love and Kindness expresses my deepest regrets. I will extract the realisations, make recordings of them and take it from there.

I am now limited as to how to actualise my concepts. Being confined to the bed and needing to lie down, means most of my ideas will be done and expressed on my phone and laptop.

I found this excellent video showing how echoes in caves can be created, using the sound software Steinberg Nuendo 12. It’s given me the confidence to know that I can create the right sound effects of an echo chamber.

When I imagined the concept 6 years ago, it was an echo you’d hear in a cave. This type of echo still feels right for what I want to express. I think it’s because it has a haunting quality to it. Regrets can haunt us…

Haroon sound proofed The Apavilion of Then. I would need to do the same if I was to create an installation of the echo chamber. This would ensure that the sound of people entering and being in the space, would not create their own echoes and interfere with the echoes of the sound installation.

Ideas for The Ghost of You Letter

Posted on by Priti Patel

I got inspired by this scene in Doctor Who. The giant sphere with the lights on the glass, reminded me of braille, which in turn made me think of The Ghost of You letter. Not being able to see you any more because you’re becoming a ghost.

I wondered about whether to do a spherical or shaped object, with the letter translated to braille. I then thought about creating some sort of a portal.

This reminded me of one of the photos I took, a few days after we met for Christmas. It was of the table we sat at for lunch. The photo was taken from where I was seated, with you sitting opposite me.

Sadly the Christmas decorations that were there, were taken down by the time I returned. I originally took this photo for the happy memories section of the VR piece I had in mind, but I now feel it would be ideal for this.

This is the only photo I have where we’ve shared a space together, and enjoyed our time together. I feel it would be very appropriate. In some ways, with you not being in the photo, you’ve already become a ghost. You’re no longer there.

I noticed the circle of trust sign behind. I feel very uneasy with that sign because of what it implies. There was trust between us, so if I do use this photo, then I will need to remove the “you” outside the circle.

Thinking about portals reminded me of this photo I’d taken and adjusted in 2018.

Perhaps I can do a portal with the words from the letter appearing as braille around it. They’d appear then disappear, with the portal fading then disappearing at the end.

I thought I could use this section of the letter:

“I thought of you straight away…Such a dreamy and ethereal sight. The trees in the distance look like ghosts. You’re becoming a ghost. I don’t want you to become a ghost.”

I’d convert the photo to black and white.

Should the portal and surrounding area disappear to white or black? When I think of ghosts it’s usually an ethereal white, but when we can’t see, it’s black and darkness.

Black symbolises ending and death, whereas white is nothingness and a blank slate. White is also used for mourning in my culture and others. This is something I’d need to experiment with. Initial thought is to make a video and take it from there.

I’ve had some time to think and I feel black would be the wrong colour for this. The sphere in the Doctor Who scene is black, and it doesn’t reflect how I feel about you and what’s happening at the moment. It wouldn’t express the sentiment of the words in this letter either.

My memories with you are the opposite to black, they’re extremely positive and joyous. Even in the darkest moments, especially during my triggers, you were always there for me and you helped get me through it. There was always light, normality and humour afterwards. The darkness was short lived.

It’s just the last few days that I find very distressing. I do feel I’m mourning you, but there’s no darkness, just heartbreak and a deep loss, and feeling lost.

Shock is still there, as well as the heartbreak of losing the very special friendship and connection we shared. The heartbreak of losing you. I love everything about you, including the other part of you, which I learnt at the very end. It’s made me love you even more.

Writing to you and the creative thoughts that are coming, is my desperate need and means of expressing myself, but it might be helping me to have some sort of control as well. My emotions are out of my control at the moment, but I think this process might be giving it some sort of order and structure. I’ve never really thought about it in this way before.

Going back to the piece, the other thought I have is if it was in an exhibition space. I could have the portal projected onto fabric, such as latex, so that the words in braille can raise and lower themselves. This would need programming. Having it in this way could mean people can touch the text, as you do with braille. Again, this is something I can experiment with.

Creating Love and Regret Images

Posted on by Priti Patel

The choice of images pertains to significant moments when we met. I converted the colour photos to black and white, and cropped the images square.

Christmas Lunch

I returned to town a few days after we met. I took photos of the station and our table where we had lunch. I’d planned to use them, along with other happy memories in general, for the VR piece I had in mind. I never thought I’d be needing it for this.

We were standing around this area of the station, and we hugged goodbye twice. Second hug was when I felt alive for the first time with you.

I positioned the circle around the approximate area we stood and hugged. Blur 50. Adjusted vignette to 50. Brightness 50. I blurred it again, 72 circle blur, because it was still too sharp compared to the others, and didn’t quite fit in. It no longer stood out with the others.

Fade Into You

We listened to Fade Into You in silence with our heads down. I took the screenshot of the video as Hope sings, “I think it’s strange you never knew” I also think it captures being lost in thought.

Brightness 88. Blur 98 to soften the pixilation. Circle was at the bottom left hand corner. Adjusted vignette to 30. I realised the image was too dark, so I adjusted the brightness to 43, then 50, 50 and 30.

Never Let Me Go

Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro came to mind when we hugged goodbye that lovely October.

I set the blur to 70 and reduced circle to dot at centre bottom. Adjusted exposure to 100 to darken the image. Adjust vignette to 100. The image was too dark so I increased the brightness to 50 twice.

Last Hug

North by Northwest reminded me of our last and final hug. I took a snap shot of that scene. I wanted to focus on Eva’s hand, as this was the reminder of when we hugged.

Circular blur 90, focused on the hand. Adjusted the vignette to 70. Brightness 60 then 50.

Final 4 Images

I feel the 4 images work together. The blurriness also makes me think of the haziness of our memories, but the emotions are still vivid.

The Fruition of Love and Regret

Posted on by Priti Patel

I watched The Last Unicorn for the first time. The Last Unicorn lost their innocence and how they saw the world when they became a woman. There was confusion and sadness when she starts seeing the world as it really is. She loses herself and her innocence, but then she falls in love with Prince Lir, who loves her unconditionally.

The part that moved me and brought me to tears, was the moment she becomes a unicorn again. However, unlike all the other unicorns who were freed, she had feelings of regret. All the human emotions stayed with her, including love. She was no longer like all the other unicorns. She was alone. It struck a chord with the grief I’m feeling. I also feel lost and have regrets as well.

Love and Regret by Deacon Blue came to mind after the film ended. In that moment my need to express my own feelings of grief, love and regret of my precious friend was insuppressible.

I remembered a letter writing project I had in mind about 8 years ago. I always loved reading The Guardian’s A Letter To… People expressed their true thoughts and feelings in those letters, which I’ve always felt is extremely important. It’s instrumental in the work I do and my creative process.

My initial thought was to ask people to write a letter of their regrets, and I’d create an installation or pieces of artwork to express their feelings. I also planned to have a webpage where their letters could be read in their entirety.

My world’s completely changed since then, it’s become much smaller. Since having Long Covid, I’m pretty much confined to my bed for the last four years.

I don’t have enough energy to really communicate with anyone, without making my symptoms and condition worse. I don’t have enough energy to look after myself. The energy I will use to work on this, is the energy I spent with my friend.

After watching The Last Unicorn, I realised the letter writing project was for me. It’s to help me express and work through my own grief. This is the first time I haven’t dissociated from the pain after experiencing such a devastating loss.

Dissociation was always automatic due to all the trauma I’ve experienced. It helped me go through it. It helped me survive.

It was my beautiful and precious friend who helped me get to this point, where I feel safe enough to be able to feel. They’re helping me go through this grief. It’s quite a paradox, I had to lose them in order to truly feel. How I wish it wasn’t so. I never wanted to lose them.