Breakthrough…
4th September 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine, I love you so much {} xxx
It’s 19.40. I really hope you’ve done what you need to do, and you’re now chilling and relaxing with something special. If you’re in your fabulous studio, thoroughly enjoy playing your gorgeous heart out for me too my lovely. I wish I could hear you {} xxx
I had an important breakthrough just after therapy. During the session, I talked about how it was after my dad’s rages. He gave me the silent treatment and dirty looks for days, upto a week, then he’d come and apologise. I remember feeling anger initially but it quickly went. I buried it. I just couldn’t remember what I felt after the anger during the session, but I did soon after.
I remembered how I was with you during my triggered states. It was the moments of distance and silence that triggered me, and the narrative was always the same. This mirrored my dad’s silence and him chastising me. It did get confusing with you with everything, but I now understand where it was all coming from. It’s from the aftermath of my dad’s rages and everything that came with it.
Unknowingly, the initial anger I felt was replaced with self blame. It must have bypassed my consciousness. I felt I did something wrong. I was distressed. I thought he doesn’t want to know and he doesn’t care. I felt unloved and worthless. I felt I was too much. I blamed myself for everything.
This is why I was the way I was with you during those triggered states, but these thoughts and feelings belong to my dad, not you {} xx I could finally pinpoint it this evening. Little by little.
I’m also realising the full extent of me projecting onto you. I’m deeply and truly sorry for this, I really am {} xxx I honestly wasn’t conscious of it and it was never intentional. Please forgive me. I couldn’t control it because the feelings were disconnected from the trauma, but they’re starting to slowly connect now.
Today’s realisation has given me hope that it’s going to be okay. There’s a good chance I’ll be able to let go of my dad and everything else at some point. It also means there’s a very good chance it can be healthy and positive for us again, if you would still like to continue our friendship {} xxx
Outside of the triggers, our friendship was mutually loving, caring, understanding, supportive and nurturing. There were positive things to come out of the triggers as well, such as better understanding and healing. It was a very positive, special and precious friendship {} xxx
The Black Keys’ No Rain, No Flowers was waiting for me on YouTube. The song couldn’t be more apt. I hope you enjoy it too my precious angel {} xx I didn’t even know they’d released an album. They’re so prolific.
It’s now 20.50. I can just about see moon glowing above the roof opposite. I’m going to see if I can take a photo of it when it gets a bit higher. I hope it says hello to you very soon my lovely. I’m so happy we can enjoy their magnificence together. Enjoy every beautiful moment for me as well. I’m with you {} xx
It’s 21.31. I hope you’re beaming with moon. I automatically said hello to you when I saw them tonight. I also took a photo just for you {} xx It’s my first one with the Barlow lens. I finally got it to work. The magnification is amazing. I’ve just cropped the photo slightly so that it’s a bit more balanced.
I’m going to get ready for sleep now. Nnight, sleep well and restfully my lovely, with sweet and blissful dreams for both of us. I’m hugging you ever so tightly through my phone. Hug, hug. Kiss, kiss {} xxxx