Bullies…
23rd August 2025
Good morning my most beautiful and precious starshine,
How are you my lovely? I really hope you slept well, restfully and peacefully, and you’re slowly waking up. I’m keeping everything crossed you’re not too exhausted {} xx
I imagine you will be busy, but I hope you can take it at a gentle pace with lots of relaxing breaks with coffee. I really hope you’ll be doing something special {} xxx
Amongst the depressing headlines, there was one story that made me smile. I thought of you {} xx It’s the pasta grannies in Bari who’ve gone on strike, after being accused of selling some ready made pasta ears instead of their own. It’s put Puglia back in the spotlight. I never knew Bari was in the Puglia region. We’ll never get there now.
I’m struggling. My brain is busy working on all the other stuff. I keep getting flashbacks. We had a delivery from the same company yesterday. Liron got it. The driver asked for her permission to take photos of the parcels. They have taken it seriously. This is just sinking in now.
There’s a part of me that feels bad for them having to ask now. I’ve never had a problem with them taking photos of the handover, and still don’t. It was just that one person. He wasn’t even discreet about taking the photo in my direction. He took it as you and I would. It was just a bit awkward for him because of carrying the small packages in the other arm.
I easily forget how bad someone makes me feel, and then I put it on myself. I blame myself and think I’m the bad person. I easily forget how serious and harmful something is. I’m not like this with others. I do treat and see myself differently.
I had an early memory of my youngest aunt who used to bully me. I was like her slave. I must have told my mum what she was doing, and my mum had a word with her. I was about four or five, and she was about twelve or thirteen.
She approached me while I was standing on a chair, washing my hands in the kitchen sink. She pinched my arm and said, “Tell tale twit, your nose will split, and all the little mice will come and have a bit”. These words are slightly different to the rhyme, but it’s what she said and it stayed with me.
I never spoke out against her after that. I was scared of her. I kept silent and endured it. She made me feel like I was the bad person for saying she’s hurting me. Again, this is something she’s learnt from the family, and perhaps school as well. No one is born a bully.
I woke up thinking about others who displayed this behaviour towards me. There have only been a few. I see the signs clearly now. One friend started treating me as their sibling treated them. They tried to be controlling when no one was around, they started to lie to put me down and elevate themselves, and they also gas lit me.
When I spoke about my concerns, they turned it on me and blamed me. They said I couldn’t be trusted and ended the friendship. I was relieved because I knew where it was heading. They were very much like my aunt. I knew and understood where it was coming from. It didn’t make it right though and I didn’t want it in my life. It was about control and power, and their own insecurities.
I know I hadn’t done anything wrong. I’m the very first person to admit it if I have. That’s the thing, I think my need to be completely honest stems from my experiences. It started with my dad and his family, who thought the very worst of me when I hadn’t done anything wrong. I was blamed. It was always my fault. I couldn’t defend myself. I had to keep silent.
I learnt that I needed to be completely honest and transparent, so that I’m not blamed for something I haven’t done. It’s stayed with me, but it’s caused a lot of unnecessary worry and anxiety. I see this now.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong in speaking out. It’s important not to stay silent, especially if it’s causing harm. If it’s a genuine mistake or misunderstanding, then it can be rectified easily and quickly. If it’s not then it can be worked on if both are willing. I am fairly open. I just don’t want to be treated badly anymore. You’ve all shown me that there’s another way. A way that’s more peaceful, caring and loving. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way”, comes to mind.
It’s 10.10. Benjamin Clementine’s brilliant Phantom Of Aleppoville also comes to mind. I remember sending you this. I also sent you a message straight after his concert. I wished you were with us. He was amazing. It was an art performance. You would’ve loved him {} xxx
Take the greatest and gentlest care of yourself my lovely. Enjoy the most beautiful long weekend for me too, with lots of fun, joy, delicious food and drink, and fabulous music. Rest well and enjoy playing with all your heart {} xxx
I’m thinking of you and I’m sending you tons and tons of love, with the biggest and tightest of magical healing bear hugs filled with warm kisses {} xxxx
14.00
