Change is Possible…
28th December 2024
* Amendment to my attachment styles
I need to write this as a letter to you because I feel it’s extremely important. I never knew attachment styles existed until a few weeks after our last day. I never knew there are four styles of attachment:
- Fearful Avoidant
- Dismissive Avoidant
- Secure
- Anxious
You may already know about them, but I didn’t have a clue. I always thought our insecurities are just our insecurities due to our experiences, especially our childhood. I either felt secure or insecure, but I was wrong.
I knew our relationships and experiences with our parents/caregivers, unconsciously shape our behaviours and future relationships, but I never knew it’s also because of the patterns of bonding we learn from them. I just thought it was about being loved and unloved.
Bonding and attachment styles are more specific. I can now see it more clearly and see how it drives our behaviours. It makes sense. It’s not our fault. It’s also helped me understand you much better. I love you so much, I really do {} xxx
Again, I wish I knew all of this during our time together. It really would’ve helped both of us. I would’ve been more sensitive your needs and adjusted. I just didn’t know.
So much is out of our consciousness and control, until we’re aware of it. If it’s something we’re not happy with, then we can do our best to change it. I’ve found that it really helps being shown, or being exposed to, other and more healthier ways of being.
Learning about the attachment styles made me look at myself and my past behaviours. I developed a secure attachment with my mum, but it was the opposite with my dad and the rest of the family. After my mum died, I was a fearful avoidant much of the time. I became anxiously attached when I was getting emotionally close to someone.
This all changed when I was 35 and met Liron. I felt safe with her for the first time since my mum, but I had more of an anxious attachment with her at the beginning. This changed over time.
Open communication from both of us was key, as well as the mutual love, care and nurturing. I developed a secure attachment with her for the first time since my mum. The only times my feelings and behaviours were more anxious was when I was triggered.
I started to move away from the fearful avoidant attachment style when I realised my thoughts, feelings and needs mattered, and that they are important. I mattered. I wasn’t going to get told off or dismissed. I could express myself freely and openly without the fear of rejection or abandonment. I started to set boundaries. There were none before and it got me into so much trouble.
All of this was first thanks to Liron and then you. Another very dear friend also helped. The mutual love, care, understanding, support, nurturing and communication was instrumental, and the trust and safety that comes with it is precious.
I can now see I also developed an anxious attachment with you at the beginning, but that changed greatly as we got to know each other, especially over the last few years. I became more secure with you. The only times I became anxious was during times of uncertainty and triggers from my childhood.
I’ve never been a fearful avoidant with you. As you know, there were moments I felt unlovable and unworthy, and my abandonment issues have been there, but that’s not because of you. Those issues came up during my triggered states and moments of uncertainty.
These issues are because of my childhood, which is something only I can try to fix with therapy and self reflection. I need to be able to accept myself, and give myself the love, care and acceptance I need. I’m not there yet.
I think the most important thing is knowing that, despite the attachment style/s we learn as a child, it doesn’t always have be that way. Nothing is set in stone. Change is possible. Awareness is the first step. The second is feeling the need to change, if it is holding us back from having a happier and fuller life.
I can see with myself and others that different attachment styles can coexist, so it can be quite fluid depending on who we’re with. I’d say I have more secure attachments now, but it can sway to anxious from time to time, especially when I develop a very close and deep emotional connection with someone.
The other thing is, the changes naturally start to overflow into the other relationships we have, which I feel is very positive. We all crave connection and closeness with people, as well as love and acceptance. It’s our natural human instinct and need.
Being able to finally connect and feel all the beautiful and wonderful emotions fully, makes me feel alive. I know the difference now, and I don’t want to go back to how I was before the age of 35.
The pain and grief I’m feeling at the moment is extremely difficult, and something I’ve never experienced before. But at the same time, I finally feel human and not like a robot, when it comes to feeling painful emotions. I’ve never had problems experiencing positive emotions, just negative ones, but I’m realising you can’t have one without the other.
Going back to searching for love and connection, I think we never really know something is missing until we experience it for the first time, but we search for it unconsciously. I know I did.
I think the other thing I’ve been searching for is peace, love and acceptance with myself. Up until recently, I’ve done my best to avoid and run away from myself. I hated myself and thought I was the worst person on the planet. My recent feelings of being repulsive, feeling ashamed and guilty also stem from my past.
I need to look at where all these feelings come from and work on it in therapy, and finally see it objectively. I feel by working on these things, it’ll help give me the security and safety within myself. I hope it’ll lead me to accept all parts of myself, the good, the bad and the ugly, and know it’s okay. It’s okay to be me.
Traumatic childhoods have a way of instilling these false beliefs in us, that we’re unlovable and not good enough. Again, I feel we can slowly change these narratives.
Change is possible {} xxxx
6th January 2025
Thanks to my therapist, I learnt that I’ve only shown an anxious and secure attachment style. I mistook my dissociation as me being a fearful avoidant. Dissociation was due to the severe trauma and how I responded to it.
This is why therapy is so important, especially with complex trauma. We can read things that may feel true for us, but we can get it wrong. It’s more nuanced and so many factors come into play.
I experienced two extremes of attachment styles, secure and anxious. My mum loved me unconditionally and fully (secure). My dad and family were the complete opposite. I never knew where I stood with them, felt unwanted, and then there was the severe trauma on top (anxious).
This means if the anxious side is triggered, I also go from one extreme to the other, secure to anxious. This causes the huge conflict within myself because of the two pulls. This is why I went to the extreme with you during my triggered and uncertain states. It makes so much sense now.
Self reflection and awareness is very important, as well as working on ourselves, which can be done individually, in therapy or both. We can start seeing the triggered states for what they are, and where they really come from. This can help reduce the severity of them, so they don’t completely take over.
Being with people who we feel safe with is critical too, as we can be vulnerable with them and know we’re absolutely safe. Being able to express our feelings and needs is extremely important too.
I know for me it felt very scary doing these things to begin with. I was terrified. My fear of being abandoned was very strong, but it’s like a lot of things, the positive experiences helped override the negative. This is something you helped tremendously with. I thank you with all my heart. Thank you so, so much my precious angel {} xxxx
Being with supportive, loving, caring and nurturing people is invaluable. It does help build trust and safety.
It’s also vital that we’re kind, loving, patient and compassionate towards ourselves. This is something I need to work on. For me, it’s always been much easier to give it to others. I neglected myself and my needs, but that has slowly changed. I know this is rooted in my childhood, but that can be worked on. Knowing this gives me comfort, hope and a sense of autonomy.
I feel these things can slowly help us towards reaching a more secure state. It does take time and a lot of work, but it can lead to more stability and security within ourselves. It can help bring peace of mind, secure inner confidence and feeling happier within ourselves. I hope so.
Changing to a more secure state is possible with all the insecure attachments.