Changing Faces…
29th January 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine {} xxx
Neal’s Yard really do only have the new formula of their cleanser. It’s been so confusing, especially with being sent the incorrect ingredients. They’ve now corrected their website.
If you try something and it irritates, but then a test sample works, the logical conclusion is that there’s a difference between the two. The testers come in a pot with just the name, not the ingredients, so this added to the mystery.
After trying another tester, I realised that it’s the amount I use that causes the irritation and eczema flare. I can only use a very small amount. I didn’t have this problem with their old formula. It didn’t irritate at all.
I’ll know for sure in a few days, but hopefully the new formula will be safe to use. I managed to get four bottles of the old formula, so I have enough to last a year. It’s been so stressful with searching, testing, and not having an alternative. The allergic reactions added to the distress.
I now have time to try and make my own. Liron will help because I don’t have the energy to do it. It would take much longer than the oils, and testing would make it worse. I also wish I could be upright for a longer period.
After realising that the error was on my part, I wrote to apologise for my genuine error, and explained what had happened. I also thanked them for their help and patience. It was just bizarre. Again, I’ve never experienced this before. I’ve just I’ve learnt something new.
The new formula has shea butter and oat oil. I’ve always had allergic reactions to cleansers containing these ingredients. Perhaps it’s the formulation and the amount I use, that also determines whether something’s usable.
I am slowly changing. I trusted how my skin reacted, despite the conflicting information I was getting. This made me think about me doubting my fragmented memories of the sexual abuse. My body has always known the truth. It hasn’t lied. I’m finally starting to trust it. I’m finally starting to trust myself.
The other thing I noticed was, when I realised it was my error, I didn’t beat myself up about it. I didn’t feel like a bad person. I didn’t feel it when I wrote to them. It was a genuine and plausible misunderstanding. I knew it in my head and in my soul. This is the first time I’ve experienced this.
I always apologise and take accountability when I know it’s my fault, and this will never change. The thing that is slowly changing is the guilt and shame that accompanies it. I always felt like it was the end of the world, and that I was worst person on the planet.
I’m not sure whether Neal’s Yard will respond. I’m not even sure if they’ll read it. It doesn’t matter. I’ve done my best to clear everything up, and that’s all I can do.
It still feels uncomfortable thinking that they might think the worst of me, for having conflicting results from the identical item. My desperation must have come through as well. I was desperate. It put me into survival mode, until I found the last four bottles of the old formula.
I need to sit with this uncomfortable feeling, give myself comfort, and know that it’s not the end of the world. Someone can think the very worst of me, and it’s not the end of the world.
That’s the thing, after my mum died, my dad and family always thought the very worst of me. I was blamed for everything that happened to me. Growing up, it did feel like the end of the world, because I had to suffer the consequences of it with the abuse.
I really do hate being thought the worst of, because it means I can’t do anything right, no matter how hard I try. Perhaps this is why I write so much, so that I’m not misinterpreted, misunderstood and thought the worst of. It all started at home…
I don’t know how I’d feel if I knew for sure, that you thought the worst of me. I feel that you’re thinking the very worst of me right now, despite knowing that I couldn’t have done anything differently in November, and during our brief contact last year. It all took me by surprise, including the aftermath, and it triggered me severely and continually.
I know there have been so many misunderstandings and misinterpretations on both sides. I can’t tell you how deeply sorry, sad and upset I am that this couldn’t have been resolved in March. I honestly wasn’t expecting you to respond because of your silence in February.
With your response, I rightly or wrongly interpreted it as you didn’t want to know me at all. I automatically thought you were thinking the worst of me, and that you no longer cared. I feel I might’ve been very wrong in thinking this. It was the trigger. I was terrified, I crumbled and my overly protective voice took over. Please forgive me, I had absolutely no idea. I had no idea of the vice like grip the Drill Sargent has, until now.
I know I apologised every time for my misunderstandings and misinterpretations, and I’m apologising once again. I’m so, so sorry my lovely, I truly am {} xxx So much has been hidden from me, but it’s finally revealing itself.
When I look back, I always felt you thought the worst of me during my triggered states, and now I know exactly why. Despite my interpretation, it wasn’t you. It was the triggers that reminded me of how I was made to feel at home. I just couldn’t access it. Please forgive me.
Picking up and sensing the tiniest of changes in someone else, feels like a curse. Sadly, many survivors of trauma do this. Our brains have been rewired so that it can pick up signs of danger, but they continue even when the threat’s no longer there. We’re in a constant alert state.
People thinking the worst of me is ingrained and automatic as well, but I’m finally starting to recognise it for what it is.
You always quickly and kindly proved me wrong, except in November, and during our brief contact last year. These were extreme circumstances for both of us, along with triggers intercepting. I do know and understand this fully, but the doubts and fears seep in from time to time. I am challenging it.
This has ended up uncovering a lot more than just my face. Funnily, my therapist pointed out that my face is also my mask. So my distress encompassed more than just not having something I can use.
I’ve done my best to make sure my eczema has been kept at bay, and that my face looks fine and healthy. This also helped me not look or feel ugly. As you know, I thought I was ugly for most of my life. That’s how they saw me and made me feel, but it is shifting and I am kinder to myself.
Without being able to take care of my skin, it would look unsightly, sore, cracked, irritated, painful and angry. These are the things I’ve been trying to run away from internally. All my raw and unhealed wounds…
I can no longer mask these wounds, and like my skin, this can feel distressing because I feel I don’t have complete control over it. I’m not sure I can ever have full control, but I’ll start regaining control the more I face it and sit with it, along with self-care and kindness. I am seeing an improvement, and it’s comforting to see that my reaction to it is slowly changing as well. Little by little…
I really do hope everything will be okay. Bob Marley & The Wailers’ Three Little Bird has just started playing in my head. It will be for all of us. I wish I knew how you are my lovely. I really do hope you’re keeping well and you are okay. I hope so {} xxx
Take the greatest and gentlest care of yourself my precious starshine. I love you so much, and I’m hugging you like the very last time {} xxxx
30th January 2026
I was wrong about the face cleanser. The new formula is unusable. It’s irritating my skin. I still have a little bit of the first tester. Consistency is different, one is thicker than the other. This would mean a different batch, or there’s a problem with the consistency in their batch.
The first one didn’t irritate at all, and I used a bit more. I feel it might have been the old formula. The final batch was made in May 2026. This new formula was made in September 2026. They have a two year shelf life. They might’ve had a tiny bit left.
I have time…