Compassion and Care…
15th May 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
I hope you’re keeping really well my lovely and everything is okay. I imagine you’re having an extremely busy week, but I hope it’s a good busy. Just one more day and then you can enjoy a gorgeous, restful and sunny weekend {} xxx
My heart beams brightly when I see your photos now. It is healing. I might be able to finally listen to you playing soon.
I heard Seabird by Alessi Brothers a few days ago, and it’s been playing in my head since. I really hope there is a way back {}
Speaking of home, I keep forgetting to send you Ilia Malinin skating to To Build a Home. His emotional, moving and very powerful performance brings me to tears. It’s so beautiful. He’s absolutely brilliant technically and at expressing himself. He’s at one with the song. I hope you enjoy them both my precious sweetheart {} xx
I couldn’t completely understand why I can’t show compassion and care towards myself. I now know. It’s because it wasn’t shown by my dad or the rest of the family, especially during my most traumatic moments. I was expected to be okay and just get on with things.
The memory of my dad trying to strangle me, my grandfather stopping him, and then having to return to school straight after kept coming to mind. I didn’t want to go back to school, but my grandfather said I needed to. I remember being distressed and crying on my way in, but then I was fine by the time I got there. I can’t remember anything that followed.
No wonder I’ve been the way I have towards myself. They taught me that during the most traumatic moments, I needed to get on, forget and not talk about what happened. There was no compassion or care. I continued doing this to myself. It’s all I knew. I understand it much better now. I feel on some level it’s what I thought I deserved.
My mum taught me love, care and compassion, but again I think I learnt it’s something that can only be given to you. It’s because of her I can show it to everyone else. It all makes a lot more sense now.
I’ve blamed myself for everything, and it wasn’t me. It wasn’t my fault. It was them. It’s what they taught me and what I needed to do to survive. This realisation is very painful because of the way it’s affected me throughout my life. I’ve just started to cry.
The funny thing is, I’ve always been able to deal with traumatic situations. It was the dissociation, but once that crisis stopped, I struggled with normal everyday things. The trauma was sitting, seeping out and waiting to be processed.
I’m fed up with all of it now. I really am. They messed me and my life up so badly, it needs to stop. Hopefully the work I’m now doing will help put a stop to it. They’ve taken the best years of my life, when I was healthy. They can’t take any more. I can’t let them.
I hope you’re now happily home my lovely, and you’re not too exhausted. Take the greatest and gentlest care of yourself. Once everything is done, sit back, relax and enjoy a very restful and fun evening with Eurovision. You must be looking forward to Saturday. Thoroughly enjoy all the fun and music for me too {} xxx
I love you and I’m hugging you very tightly {} xxxx