Complexities…
29th December 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine {} xxx
Our friendship is platonic, but I feel there are many complexities, so it’s been quite fluid with you. I do feel very protective towards you, and I think this came out in some of the expressions I used. I felt so many different emotions with you, and there’s a lot of things I just can’t explain.
Then there was the transference with you, which was quite dominant in the earlier years, but then I wonder how much of that was strong triggers without knowing. I never knew the extent of my unresolved issues with my dad.
Despite the triggers, it honestly didn’t feel like transference over the last five years. Our friendship grew naturally, and it deepened as a consequence. It was a platonic relationship that was mutually loving, caring, supportive, nurturing, understanding and respectful. It was very healthy and positive.
The triggers I experienced during the last five months are now understandable. I wasn’t dwelling. Unknowingly, another part of the trauma was inadvertently unlocked at that time. I had no idea. I was feeling very confused, distressed, and filled with self-blame and shame in those triggered states. Again, I was absolutely fine outside of them and I didn’t think about it.
Someone posted that we’re not the age we are when we’re triggered, we’re the age we were when the trauma happened. I always knew that I was the child in my triggered states, but seeing it written like this really hit me.
I thought about the triggers during the last five months with you. I now realise that during these moments, I was the fourteen year old girl who had just been raped by her dad. Unknowingly, all the things associated with it came up, and I was feeling and talking to you as my fourteen year old self. I just didn’t know it at the time.
It would be easier if the actual memories from the past come up at the same time, but triggers don’t work like that because those memories are disconnected from the emotions. This is why it’s natural to think the source of the pain is coming from the person who’s caused the trigger. It’s only when we come out of the trigger, that we realise they’re not the source of that pain.
There were sadly a lot of crossed wires between us though, especially towards the end. Triggers naturally made everything worse and more confusing.
Nothing was intentional and I had no expectations whatsoever. There were genuine errors. I honestly didn’t think how some things might come across. I shared everything with you, in the same way I do with Liron. When I think back, the majority of things were in the moment. I didn’t think. I just felt so free with you.
I now understand why you asked certain questions. I couldn’t at the time. I honestly only ever wanted you to be yourself with me, because I know how important this is for our well-being. I only ever wanted and needed your special and precious friendship. That’s more important than anything else.
I don’t have any expectations from anyone, I never have done, not even Liron. It’s not who I am. The only thing I expect is basic human decency. That’s all. Perhaps it also stems from the fact that I never expected anyone to stay in my life. I’m still amazed by everyone, and I’m utterly thankful and grateful. You’ve all helped teach me that relationships can be healthy, positive and healing. Thank you so, so much my lovely {} xxx
I’ve experienced the full extent of being controlled, manipulated and abused by others, and I’ve lost decades due to the consequences of it. I never want that in my life again, and I would never do those things to anyone else either. I couldn’t live with myself.
In the same way we can sense and perceive things differently, just like how we experience taste, I guess it’s the same with words as well. Explains why so much can be misinterpreted. We all do it.
Our experiences naturally shape how we see and experience everything as well. I know for me, I sometimes automatically assume everyone sees things in the same way as I do. I know I was guilty of this with you, and sometimes I’d get it completely wrong. I automatically assumed you understood what I meant, but I can now see that I was wrong, especially when it was critical.
There are so many complexities with everything, this is why clear communication is so important. It can help prevent grave misunderstandings, and it also helps us to understand each other better, which is vital.
I wish I knew what I know now in November and February. I wish my grief and trigger didn’t get in the way this year, but I know it couldn’t have been any different at that time, no matter how much I wished it could be. I just hope there’s a chance in the future.
This sentence popped up the other week, “Forgive yourself for not knowing earlier what only time could teach”. I have been beating myself up for quite a lot of things, but they’re right, we can only learn with time and reflection.
With this new knowledge and understanding, I really hope there might be a chance of putting things right with you. I hope so my lovely {} xxxx