Connecting Emotions…
12th February 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
How are you my lovely? I really do hope you’re keeping really well, and you’re having a really good week. I hope coffee’s taking special care of you {} xxx I’m keeping everything crossed it’s wasn’t a late night for you. Just one more day and then you’re free as a bird.
Speaking of birds, have you seen the amazing murmuration video Dr Kathryn Cooper made, using a Victorian photography technique? It’s absolutely stunning. They look like lines being drawn in the sky. Amazing process. There’s some fabulous photos on her website as well.
The news of James Van Der Beek passing away brought me to tears. So sad and so young. Dawson’s wonderful Creek will always be embedded in my heart.
I think the other reason why the series meant so much to me, is because it was during the time I was with the perpetrator. I was twenty four when it began. As I was becoming increasingly isolated from the outside world, they felt like friends. I always rooted for Pacey.
I’m not alone with the special “I remember everything” scene, with Joey and Pacey. Anna Spargo-Ryan in The Guardian, listed it as her number one moment in Dawson’s Creek. It’s a very beautiful and tender scene that encapsulates the whole series. It’s my favourite as well.
Watching it again, Pacey remembering Joey’s blue sweater, reminded me of you wearing your baby blue jumper. I think Ken and Kenneth would agree that it “suits you sir”.
I also remember you were sitting down that day. I was leaving, and I put my hand on your left shoulder to say goodbye. You looked up at me surprised.
I remember you putting your hand on my shoulder as you walked by on another day. It was for comfort. I have remembered everything about you, and I wasn’t even aware it.
I just remembered how you’d always text me after we met, to say that you’d enjoyed our time together. This is something I usually do, but you always beat me to it. It’s so lovely of you, and it means a lot to me. Thank you so, so much my beautiful sweetheart {} xxx (13th February at 14:28)
Therapy was extremely difficult today. Being pushed to my absolute limit with my face cleanser, and feeling completely desperate and alone with it, triggered the same feelings as when I was sexually abused by my dad, the perpetrator, and that brief incident with my friend. It also triggered the feelings of not having any control over my body, and being in free fall.
My grandfather did walk into the room, and he didn’t do anything to stop my dad. He just walked out and left me there. I needed his help, but I didn’t get it. It’s not surprising it’s extremely difficult for me to ask for help, even when I’m desperate.
I dissociated with all three of them, when they did what they did. I was absolutely terrified with my dad, and I was screaming and crying, and tried to push back, but I was stuck. Completely stuck and helpless in my body.
I didn’t feel any terror, but I froze with the other two as well. I just wanted it to be over. I shut down emotionally and then tried to forget what happened. I imagine the same happened with my dad as well. I wish I could remember.
It’s the first time I felt the raw emotions of being violated by them. As painful as this is, it is a big breakthrough.
Speaking of my face cleanser, what began as an enquiry about the ingredients in a cleanser, turned into someone who might be able to shed some light on my skin. I am extreme with my sensitivities.
She’s so lovely and she works in a holistic way. I always knew a conventional dermatologist wouldn’t be able to help me. I have an online appointment with her next Wednesday.
Her response came when I desperately needed it. I had a bit of a breakdown after writing to you on Monday evening. I just couldn’t cope. Everything felt like it was too much, and the cleanser was the final straw. I received her message just before I went to sleep, and she helped give me some peace of mind. It was perfectly timed. Magic! It’ll be good to speak with a professional about my skin.
Regarding a formula for a cleanser, I found estimate ratios of the ingredients in the Neal’s Yard Sensitive Cleansing Milk, on What’s in My Jar. It gives a basis and something to work with. Might be able to get a more accurate ratio. Fingers crossed. It would save months or more. I’ll be fine once we have something that works. It’s easy to tweak if anything changes. With Liron’s help, I’ll have full control.
I’m also realising that my face cleanser is just not just about my face. When I had my breakdown on Monday, I told Liron that they (the family), are going to be proved right. I am like the elephant man. I’ll be ugly if I can’t take care of my skin, and it will remind me constantly with the pain. The pain would be a constant reminder of my family and how they saw me. It would be an endless cycle…
I know this isn’t rational. It’s the trauma speaking. I’m highly triggered at the moment.
I really hope it’ll be okay. With most of my experiences, I’m always pushed to the absolute limit, but then with research, searching and good luck, something pops up at the right time, and saves me at the last minute. Fingers crossed.
It’s 22:30. I hope you’re nice and relaxed, and having a wonderful rest my lovely. I imagine your sweet tum is very happy as well xx
When it’s time to close your eyes, get as snug as a bug in a rug, and sleep well and restfully, with sweet dreams for me {} xxx It’s 22:33.
I love you and I’m hugging you extra tightly. Nnight {} xxxx