Disconnected…
27th January 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine {} xxx
I searched for the newspaper articles about the trial online. I’m so glad I was extremely busy that I didn’t see or read any of the trial being reported. I was completely oblivious to it all. Ignorance is bliss. It would’ve terrified me if I’d known. I only knew when his full photo made the front page of the Birmingham Evening Mail. He even reached the Herald Scotland.
Someone’s opening lines were, “In a disturbing case that has sent shockwaves through the Birmingham community…”
At the time, a friend gave me the best advice. I was working in the Great Western Arcade at the time, just walking distance from the Crown Court. I was going to meet the perpetrator after one of the days, but a friend told me not to go. He said, “You don’t want your photograph taken.” I hadn’t even thought there’d be press there. He spared me the shame of it by helping me keep my anonymity. I’m so thankful to him.
It’s really strange when I see the perpetrator’s photo in these articles. It’s like he’s a complete stranger. I have dissociated from him and my time with him. I haven’t experienced this with anyone else’s photo or my time with them.
He was in complete denial. From his behaviour and attitude in the final year, he had absolutely no remorse for what he did to the girls. He didn’t give a shit about me either or my wellbeing. The person I knew was no longer there.
He deliberately made himself ill, thinking that the trial wouldn’t happen if he was too ill. I didn’t know this at the time. I got him to the hospital just in time. He almost died with a perforated ulcer in his duodenum. He was vomiting blood, which looked like ground coffee.
He changed completely after the surgery. I’d say he was being his true self. I started switching off emotionally because he was being such a bastard. I’d already distanced myself from him by the end of it. Even the dog stayed away from him and started giving him filthy looks.
Despite his bravado, he was terrified of finally getting caught. Of course he would be. Since he’d gotten away with so much, which included abusing a police officer’s daughter, he thought he was invincible. He thought everyone would believe him over the girls.
He really put me through the mill physically in the final year. I felt completely responsible for his health, and ended up doing all the heavy lifting. I honestly don’t know where I got my strength from. He didn’t care at all, and it felt like he expected it from me. I lost so much weight.
I remember him saying that I looked better with my weight loss. It’s only now that I realise, it’s because my body looked like a teen. After I was free, I wanted to stay the same weight. I felt at ease with my body for the very first time. I had no curves and this made me feel safe. I could no longer be seen as a sexual being. This was all unconscious.
I did hear that he had been sexually abused in prison. I don’t know the details, but it really upset me. I know what he did, but no one should be treated and violated in this way. I think of my dad, and I would never want him to be treated in the same way he treated me, my mum and others either. That thought really upsets and distresses me as well. It’s making me cry as I write this.
It’s never going to happen, but what I’d like from both of them is genuine remorse and accountability. That’s all.
Do they stay in denial because it’s easier and more comfortable for them? Is it safer for them to live with that illusion than face the monsters they became? Is it easier for them than confronting their own pain?
The betrayal by my colleague was straight after the trial ended, and it went on for a while before I was made fully aware of it. I became scared of her. She’d give me that intimidating look I’ve seen so many times. Another lovely friend who was there, helped get me out. I then started working at the accessory shop.
The person I saw as a sister was later, but I picked up their changes and controlling behaviour very quickly, so it was short lived.
The thing they all have in common is needing to have power and control over someone else, to make themselves feel better. They’re also exceptional liars and manipulators. I was surrounded by people like this at home as well.
I’m so glad I can pick up the signs, and not dismiss them like I did in the past. If something concerning pops up, I run things past Liron and my therapist in case I’m wrong. I’ve spoken with you on a number of occasions as well. Thank you so, so much for your thoughts and advice my lovely. I greatly appreciated it. You really helped {} xxx
I didn’t have anyone to talk to about these concerns in the past. I always thought I was the bad person if I saw something negative in someone. I was the bad person for having those thoughts. I can protect myself better now and keep myself safe.
I only knew one way, and that was what I experienced with my family, and the others. I eventually learnt that it doesn’t have to be that way. There’s a happier and more peaceful way of being. I know what real safety feels like thanks to all of you. I thank you with all my heart and soul. I really do {} xxxx