Dissociation and What We’re Drawn to Unconsciously…

23 January 2025

I spoke with you about everything, including therapy. You were able to share what you could with me as well, which meant so much to me. It helped me know and understand you better. I loved you even more. You do have a beautiful soul and you’re incredibly resilient as well {} xxx

I’m so surprised to see how much we’re drawn to things unconsciously. People, music, films, books… I wonder how much is due to unresolved things within ourselves. I know for me, music, film, art, books help me connect with feelings I’m sometimes not even aware of.

I finally understand my pull towards David Lynch. I resonated with his work at an unconscious and visceral level. It connected to the things that are unresolved. Things I couldn’t put into words. I wasn’t consciously aware of this until now.

I now understand my pull towards you as well, and vice versa {} xxxx

I watched Mulholland Drive yesterday. I saw it years ago, but it felt like I was watching it for the very first time, with fresh eyes. I can see the symbolism clearly, especially the dissociation. I completely missed it before.

I feel the dissociation was shown with Rita’s amnesia. The box being the blocked or repressed memories. When it’s opened with the key, the memories come out, along with all the feelings connected with it. It finally becomes the reality it is. The monster was the dark side of Diane, the horror of what she did, and her guilt, shame and fear.

I’ve experienced different forms of dissociation, the severest is where I blocked the trauma for decades. As you know, I had no recollection, but its effects were constantly seeping out. For decades, I was like a pressure cooker trying to contain everything, but then it exploded with uncontrollable emotions. It was a release until the next explosion. Triggers were another aspect.

The film also made me look at something I hadn’t considered. I lived in my own bubble for much of my life. I daydreamed a lot. I didn’t know that this is a form of dissociation as well. I’ve been more in the present over the last ten years, and I really do feel the difference and the benefits of this. I feel more connected.

David Lynch is a genius. I can’t say “was” because he still is. He knows. He truly and fully knows and understands the human condition, and everything that comes with it. Mulholland Drive is a masterpiece on all levels, and so is The Elephant Man. I finally revisited it on Monday.

It hit me just as hard as it did when I was a child. I was in tears and felt the raw pain. It’s the same level of pain I’m feeling with you. It is the first time I’m feeling this level of pain, but I don’t feel distressed. I always felt distressed with the pain in the past. This is a change.

The Elephant Man has all the elements of what was happening at home and how I felt. I really did feel like John Merrick and completely resonated with his words:

“I am not an elephant. I am not an animal. I am a human being” John Merrick, The Elephant Man.

I just wanted to hug him. I wanted to hug him a number of times during the film. One thing that hasn’t changed, is that I can still feel love and compassion towards you and others, but there’s still a barrier when it comes to me.

There’s still a lot to work on. One thing that really surprised me this week was when my therapist asked me about my identity. Who am I? I couldn’t answer. I don’t know. This could be an effect of dissociation as well as my experiences. I never knew.

The remnants from my childhood are still there. There’s a lot of shame, fear and guilt attached to it.

My therapist pointed out that my identity has been tied to people. She’s right. A lot has been tied to you as well. We’ll be working on my identity. I never thought there would be a need to. It’s all coming to the surface now that you’re not here. It is time to face these things.

The only thing that has been a constant throughout my life, and independent of anything external, is my creativity. That’s one part of me…

Just like the films, I think it’s sometimes important to revisit things. It’s so easy to miss things. For me, it’s because I wasn’t ready at that time. I’m also beginning to understand that it depends on where we are in life. We are constantly changing and evolving, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.

I know it can be painful to go back, but sometimes it’s necessary to help us move forward. We can see things with a new perspective, and it can help us to learn, understand and grow.

WhatsApp just buzzed me. My tum somersaulted. I’m still hoping it’s you. Can’t help it.

Who Are We…

Letters of Love, Regret and Hope