Father’s Day…
18th June 2025
Good afternoon my most beautiful and precious starshine,
I really do hope you’re feeling okay my lovely, you slept well and restfully, and you’re having a good start to the day {} xxx I imagine you’ll be enjoying your lunch now. Thoroughly enjoy every delicious mouthful for me too. I hope you can get outside for a little bit and say hello to sunshine. It really is a gorgeous day today.
I guess with everything happening with my health, I needed to put off writing about my dad, but I need to start. It’s affecting me badly at the moment.
It’s the first time I really thought about Father’s Day this year, during the run-up to it and since. Whenever I saw cards in the shops, I’d say an expletive towards my dad, and not think any more of it. Like most things, I tried to ignore it and just get on with things.
My dad’s birthday and Father’s Day were very close together. The 12th of June comes to mind for his birthday, but I’m not entirely sure now, yet as a child I never forgot. My mum and I celebrated both, and then I continued after she died. I always made sure I got a nice birthday card and Father’s Day card for him. I can’t really remember whether it made him happy or not. I wanted to make him happy. I wanted and needed him to love me, or like me at the very least.
The thing that was extremely painful for me is that both our birthdays were about two weeks apart, yet he’d forget mine and seemed disinterested. I always needed to remind him, and it felt like I was begging. I shouldn’t have to beg. My mum always celebrated my birthday with a cake, candles, card and a present. She always made me feel loved and cared for.
I always got a present from the rest of the family, but it always felt like my dad didn’t really want to know, and it hurt. I feel the pain right now. It felt like he didn’t care about me at all, and it just compounded the feelings of being unwanted and unlovable.
No wonder I clung onto any tiny bit of care from him. I was also craving for connection with him, the connection I shared so easily with my mum. There were very brief moments but they quickly evaporated.
He showed no interest in me at all, yet I did with him. I was so happy to know what he liked. He loved The Jungle Book animation. I do wonder if he saw himself as Mowgli. There was a resemblance facially. I remember drawing the characters from the film. Baloo was my favourite.
My dad also loved The Stranglers Golden Brown, like I did. It made me love it even more because I was sharing it with him. That’s the only English song he loved.
I am seeing the bigger picture now, but I need to save that for another day. He should never have been a father. Emotionally, he was still a child and incapable of caring for or loving anyone else. The closest I saw my dad loving anyone was my mum, but that was when she left him and after she died. I’m not sure how much of that was really him missing my mum’s love and care. He was also brutal with her in every way, and it was far worse because he didn’t hold back.
My therapist asked if I’ve grieved for not having a father. I haven’t. That probably explains why that longing is still there, along with the longing to have the love from my family.
I do need to cut those cords because they’re causing nothing but pain and holding me back. I will need to grieve for what I didn’t have, a loving, caring and nurturing father. My inner child is still desperate to be loved by him, despite everything he’s done to her and everything he’s taken away from her.
I’m not sure what to do about the last remaining part of my past. I feel I’m going through the same cycle. Their silence and lack of words causes me pain every single time. I know it’s not intentional. It’s how they are, but it’s not what I need. I know toxic environments and bad experiences affects everyone. Unintentionally, they’re bringing up my feelings of being unlovable.
I know my core wounds were brought up with you ending our friendship, but it’s different with you. It’s been different with you, and the cause of the ending (whether it’s temporary or permanent) were the triggers.
I’m being triggered by them as well, but I can’t speak with them. I was completely open and honest about everything with you, and we always cleared any misunderstandings quickly. You wanted to, we both did {} xxx That’s the difference. I’ve tried. I understand and thought it would be okay, but it isn’t.
Paula Abdul’s Rush Rush popped up on my feed today. I was seventeen and it’s the first time I saw Keanu Reaves. I didn’t know who he was. I thought he was so handsome, still is, but it’s who he is as a person that makes him even more so. He has a very beautiful soul.
The reason why I’m bringing the video up is because I didn’t know it was sanitised in the UK. The video on totp was altered and didn’t tell the story. The original shows the toxic relationship between parents and how it affected their child, Keanu’s character. Paula’s character’s relationship with her father is difficult as well. Knowing this gives it more context and alters the meaning of the song. The majority of us have scars and we’re all searching.
Perhaps it might be time to let go. I think I’ll know for sure soon. I can’t keep putting myself through this again and again and again. I’m clinging onto the tiny bits I get and desperately hoping it’ll improve, just like I did with my dad. It just ends in pain and disappointment.
I don’t want to beg anymore. The only people I’ve had to beg are my dad and his side of the family. I’ve never needed to beg to be loved by anyone else.
Perhaps I was never meant to have a blood family, but I do have a very beautiful and precious family of friends, who are openly and mutually loving and caring. I do feel very loved and cared for, and I hope they all feel my love and care as well. This is despite barely any contact. You’re still a part of me, the same as Liron. I really do hope you can still feel my love and care as well {} xxx
I think deep down I do know what’s right and what’s wrong for me. It’s doesn’t make it easier or less painful though.
Writing this has been draining, but I feel a bit lighter. Everything is a jumbled mess in my head. Writing helps give it structure and clarity. You also helped immensely with this too. Thank you so, so much my precious angel {} xxx
It’s 17.02, I’m keeping everything crossed you’ll be escaping very soon my lovely. I imagine you must be drained as well. I’m so sorry {} xx I wish you the most gorgeous and relaxing evening with sunshine. Have a wonderful rest with lots and lots of TLC. If you say hello to medicine, enjoy every delectable sip for me too {} xxx
I love you so much and hugging you very tightly {} xxxx