Feeling Unsafe…
21st August 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
It’s 18.56. I hope you got home at your normal time my lovely. No late night. It’s wonderful sun was waiting to come home with you. I hope it doesn’t take long to do what you need to. Completely switch off afterwards, with lots of rest and relaxation {} xxx
It was really lovely seeing my therapist. It was difficult, but with the delivery driver taking my photo, it was good to know that how I felt is a natural response. It was a violation and it made me feel unsafe. It wasn’t a trauma response, even though it triggered things from my past. There’s a lot to work on.
Entitled came to mind. When I recalled how he was with me, it’s as if he felt entitled to take my photo and do whatever he wanted. There was an arrogance there. This was the first time I felt some anger towards him.
I’m not going to know what’s happened with my complaint. I was told it’ll be an internal matter with the delivery company. The company making the complaint won’t know either. I’m not happy with this at all. I want to see the photo he took.
I know I wasn’t naked, but when I looked in the mirror after it happened, it felt as if I was. That’s how he made me feel, along with the other feelings of shame, violation and self-blame. Consent is everything.
What’s happening in the world? It’s terrifying misogyny and racism is on the rise. How rapidly things are changing. Sadly we’re only hearing the loudest voices, and they’re getting amplified and normalised. I know the majority of people aren’t like this. It was clear with the riots last summer, when the large groups of counter-protesters came out en masse, and helped stop it. That was moving and comforting to see.
I could hear a group of men chanting loudly first thing yesterday morning. I did get scared. I later found out that the adjacent neighbour is having work done to their home. It was the builders. They sounded rowdy.
I do feel very unsafe at the moment. It finally occurred to me that my need to escape is a way for me to feel safe. It always has been. My magic water colouring book comes to mind. Today it was jigsaw. Saturday was Anoushka Shankar at the Proms. I’m trying to make myself feel safe, but it’s taking more energy than I have. I feel so ill at the moment. My glands are very swollen.
I had a second round on the jigsaw. Your Old Father Tyme played in my head as I was doing it. It was lovely and very comforting hearing your voice. I really am trying to make myself feel safe {} xxx
It’s 19.30. Take it gently my lovely and enjoy the most beautiful, relaxing and restful evening with sunshine. Give yourself lots of love and care for me {} xxx
I wish I could hug you. I wouldn’t let you go {} xxxx
It’s 20.00. I just opened YouTube and was greeted by The Beatles 2025 Mix of Free as a Bird. I wish I was… Just one more day and you will be {} xxx