First Christmas Without You…
25th December 2024
Good morning my most beautiful and precious starshine,
A very Merry Christmas to you {} xxx I wish you all a gorgeous day, with your precious hearts filled with lots of love, joy, magic, fun and excitement.
The sun’s shining beautifully this morning. I hope you’re keeping really well my lovely, and you can now start taking it gently. Thoroughly enjoy chilling, resting and doing all the things you love. Make your precious heart sing for me too. I love you {} xxxx
U2 singing Happy Xmas (War is Over) on the Late Late Show, popped up last night just for you {} xx I imagine you know it extremely well. It’s the first time I’ve heard their rendition. It’s lovely.
Christmas isn’t Christmas without the wonderful and soothing Gregory Porter. Everything’s Not Lost made me cry last night. It feels as if it has…
Chris Rea singing Driving Home for Christmas on the National Lottery popped up a few days ago, and I thought of you. You sent me a recording of your stunning rendition of Driving Home for Christmas last year. It was the very first time I heard you play, and you completely blew me away. I fell in love with how you play, and your passion. I could hear it.
You also sent me your fantastic rendition of Old Father Tyme that day, which I’ve listened to a hundred times or more. You have such a beautiful voice.
I absolutely loved hearing you play and sing. I always felt so excited, and my heart leapt for joy. I was over the moon for you. I was also extremely happy when you made time for it, because it nourished your precious heart. There was a long period where you didn’t get a chance to play.
I imagine you must be really looking forward to seeing the Doctor today. I am too. Thank you so much for re-introducing him to me. They’re absolutely brilliant, moving and thrilling. I’ve just finished the third series. Still need to share my thoughts with you…
North by Northwest is on at the same time as the Doctor. It will always remind me of the last time we met. It was on a month later. You told me it was going to be on that Sunday morning. I was looking forward to joining you and escaping.
You later sent me a message to let me know it’s on. It was at the exact moment that reminded me of our very last hug. You couldn’t finish watching it, but we had such a wonderful and fun conversation while you cooked. I hope you do make the Gibson at some point, and you love every delicious sip.
Since Thursday, the sky at night has been very clear and absolutely stunning. I always think of you {} xxx
I’ve seen Jupiter, Mars and Uranus every night, until last night. Jupiter was shining, but it was more subdued with the clouds. It was completely on its own. I feel a bit like that at the moment as well.
I also feel completely empty today, but then a pain in my heart gives me a jolt, and the tears begin to flow again.
Jupiter vanished about half an hour later. It doesn’t feel like Christmas this year. The spirit’s gone…
7.48pm
I really do hope you’ve seen the Doctor, or you will very soon. I’ve just finished watching it on iPlayer. It brought me to tears. Joy to the World is extremely moving, and I resonated with a few things. Needing to mask the pain with a smile, which is something I automatically did until recently.
The regret and distress of not being able to be there for someone you love, and not being able to say goodbye to them, is how I feel about our final days. I really wish I could go back and change it.
The Doctor and Anita forming a deep friendship and connection, was so lovely and very moving. They reminded me of us, and how our friendship developed and deepened through writing.
I did go to the window afterwards to see if the stars were shining. I found myself feeling disappointed that they weren’t. I feel the moon, the planets and the stars are the only real time connection I have left with you.
I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing in saying hello to our special wine. I wasn’t sure if she would make me feel worse, but she didn’t. I drank almost half a bottle and savoured every delicious sip, just like the very first time in August. I raised a glass to you as well. Thank you so much for introducing me to her {} xxx
I just remembered you pouring yourself some of our special gin for me, when I was having a difficult day. That was so lovely and sweet of you. I was deeply touched {} xxx
I imagine you’re also enjoying some very special medicine today. Thoroughly enjoy it for me as well my most adorable and precious sweetheart {} xx
I love you so much, I really do. That will never change. I would just like the pain and grief to go away quickly. I’ve missed speaking with you today. I’ve missed speaking with you every single day since…
Using some of the beautiful words expressed by the Doctor and Anita, as they said goodbye:
“I had 8 years of amazing you. I do feel incredibly lucky. Please think of me sometimes. For auld lang syne.”
I love you, I miss you and I’m hugging you like the very last time {} xxxx