Hair, Fawning and Harmful Assumptions…
26th July 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine {} xxx
It’s going to take time to process what has happened with my therapist. I’m also becoming aware of another behaviour of mine during a triggered state.
During the last session, my therapist also made an assumption about my hair. Knowing that I had the same hairstyle since I was young, she automatically assumed that it was from my childhood. She said that my old haircut was another way I was holding onto the past and the trauma, because I didn’t change it.
She didn’t give me a chance and I couldn’t correct her. I was triggered so badly and automatically went into the fawn state, which meant my mind went blank and I just agreed with her.
The truth is, I never really had any say about my hair because others chose it for me. My mum cut my hair, and then it was my aunt after she died.
My first visit to the hairdresser was when I was about twelve. I went to Coustis with another aunt. The hairdresser had free rein with my hair and cut it short with layers. I looked so different, and I really liked it.
I also remember the hairdresser saying I had soulful eyes. I don’t know why, but those words have stayed with me.
My hair grew quickly. I remember telling you about my unintentional mullet because of it, and you told me about your intentional mullet. That’s just made me smile. Thank you so much my lovely {} xxx
I had this hairstyle until I was about sixteen. The controlling friend said I should grow it, so I did. It passed my shoulders and was quite long for a period.
When the same friend and I went for our first tarot reading, after I left home, the psychic told me never to cut my hair short, and I did as she said.
When I eventually got to a hairdresser, I asked what style would suit my face shape. They said up to my shoulders, with layers at the front to frame my face.
Every single subsequent hairdresser said exactly the same thing, which is why I ended up having the same hairstyle for decades. One said short hair would suit me, but it wouldn’t look right because I wore glasses. So, he gave me the same cut.
All of this sounds really bad, doesn’t it?!
I trusted all of them and thought they were right. I didn’t question what they told me. I trusted everyone except myself. I could never trust myself or my feelings. Again, this is the effect of the trauma. I was doing as I was told, the same as when I was at home.
Did I really trust them, or was I just doing what they wanted? Was I fawning?
Just like my body, my hair has never really been my own, until I made that decision to get it cut a few years ago. That’s the very first time I chose a hairstyle for myself. It’s only now with writing this, that I realise why it felt so liberating.
After being told for decades that only one style would suit me, I finally got a new cut that suited me better. Up until then, I couldn’t go against what they told me. I didn’t think I could, so I didn’t even look at different hairstyles. It wasn’t an option.
This applied to all parts of my life as well. This is also why I could never say no to people.
Again, my therapist got it completely wrong with her assumption about why I had the same style since I was young. It has nothing to do with me clinging to the past and being attached to my trauma.
She also spoke with such certainty and authority, that I couldn’t say no. I’ve feared authority figures for most of my life. I didn’t have the capacity to correct her with being in the fawn state, so I just agreed despite knowing the truth.
She needed to ask me for more details, because she only had a small fragment. What she did is so harmful because her conclusion is not based on the real facts. How can you conduct therapy in that manner? You end up going down the wrong path.
I’m not sure whether my therapist noticed I was in a fawn state. It’s very unlikely. Liron’s therapist knows when she is. She asks Liron how she’s feeling, rather than assuming, and responds accordingly with sensitivity. This is not the moment to start pushing and hammering someone. It’s the moment to make them feel safe again.
My therapist has also made some very biased and judgemental assumptions in the past. One was without any information to back it up. This was her own projection, and she was pushing it onto me as being the truth. She told me that I didn’t know what was going on regarding that person. Again, this was at another vulnerable moment when I was severely triggered. I was much worse than I am now.
That assumption was proved wrong a few months later, at which point she made another assumption in the other direction, which was equally untrue. I know the person. It’s not who they are. I did know the truth, but I couldn’t correct her, in the same way I couldn’t correct her on Thursday.
I couldn’t correct my dad and family when they thought the worst of me. I couldn’t speak. I automatically went into the fawn state for survival.
I know you’d be aware of the fight, flight and freeze states/responses, but did you know that there was also a fawn state? I didn’t, neither did Liron until her therapist told her.
The fawn state is when we abandon our own needs to avoid conflict, criticism or disapproval. I also notice that I agree, and then my brain comes up with things to back what they’re saying. I’m also not fully present in these moments. My mind goes blank.
When my therapist said that I was holding onto my trauma with my artwork, David Lynch came to mind. He went to a therapist and asked if there’s a chance he’d lose his creativity, if he had therapy, and the therapist said yes. David walked out and never went back.
I told my therapist this, and it reinforced what she was saying about me using my artwork to hold onto the trauma, even though I knew it was false. It’s a therapeutic tool for me when I desperately need it.
Is this how I ended up believing all the negative things my dad and family told me, by reinforcing it and not questioning it? This is a question for my therapist, but I no longer have one.
It’s 05:33. I haven’t been able to sleep at all. A therapist should never be adding to and reinforcing the trauma, but this is exactly what she did.
I hope you’re sleeping well and blissfully my lovely, with sweet dreams. Morning, morning {} xxxx
I found that Coustis still existed in 2014!! I’m amazed. Yes, they originally had two branches. The article says that they’re on Alcester Road, Kings Heath. I went to the one on Stratford Road, Sparkhill. That’s fantastic, isn’t it?! They were lovely and very friendly.
It’s really warmed my heart knowing that they were there. They also supported the artist community, and had an exhibition at their salon to raise funds for All Saints Youth Project. That was a wonderful rabbit hole to go down. I love you so much {} xxxx