Hello Again…
4th September 2025
Good morning my most beautiful and precious starshine,
It’s 9.34. I’m keeping everything crossed you missed the rain on your way in. I really hope so. I heard the downpour first thing and was relieved for you when it stopped {} xx
How are you my lovely? I hope you’re keeping really well and everything is okay. I hope the sun’s shining brightly in your beautiful heart {} xxx
I hope you’ve got a lovely day ahead of you and it’s not too full on. Coffee’s eagerly waiting for you {} xx
I haven’t heard David Bowie’s Everyone Says ‘Hi’ for a long time. It popped up first thing. It’s such a beautiful song.
I also heard David Byrne’s new song with Hayley Williams, What Is The Reason For It? I think it’s great and it’s wonderful seeing his drawings come to life. I hope you love it too my lovely {} xxx He always brings a smile to my face. As I’ve said before, his creativity reminds me of David Lynch, except the opposite. He’s Mr Brightside.
I was completely shocked to discover Hush was originally by Billy Joel Rush. I always thought it was Deep Purple’s song.
I’m struggling but surprised I can write to you. Yesterday was a difficult day. I really am badly triggered. I felt like I did about fifteen years ago. The fear feels real. You’re still sadly getting caught up in the mess. I’m so, so sorry my lovely, I truly am {} xxx
The same thoughts do go through my head when I’m in this triggered state. I’m finally recognising it, and it helps me to pull myself out of it. It’s not graceful, but it doesn’t need to be. I’m learning.
My fears and insecurities are heightened. The window cleaner cleaning the windows made me jump a number of times with the banging. Never bothered me up until now.
I do need to tell you something. The reason why I’m terrified of contacting you once I’m okay, is because during the final days in November, you said a couple of things that reminded me of my dad. You’re absolutely nothing like him, you’re the complete opposite. I know you were triggered during the final days, so I do understand where it was coming from, I honestly do. I’m just extremely sorry you were badly triggered {} xxx
It was this fear that resurfaced with the trigger, when you contacted me in February. The thing is, I’m absolutely fine most of the time, it’s only when I’m in a triggered state that it comes up. Unfortunately I’m in a continuous triggered state at the moment, at varying degrees, but I’m sure this is temporary. Everything has exploded into the open at the same time.
On a logical level I know that this fear is not with you, it belongs with my dad. I’m terrified of him. It’s unprocessed, but my brain is beginning to slowly process it.
The thing is, I don’t want this fear to hold me back from contacting you once it’s safe to. I know that it would be the biggest regret of my life if I didn’t try. Of course, I completely understand if you don’t want to restart our friendship, and it will end at that point.
I also know there’s a good chance you won’t be reading these letters, but the regret of not trying would be far greater than the fear of getting hurt. It could still happen, but at least I tried. You’re too precious to me not to try {} xxx
I know the uncertainty is affecting me as well. I’m understanding the need for certainty is normal with survivors of trauma. There have been moments where I’ve wanted to contact you directly, and ask if you’d like to continue our friendship. At least I’d know either way. That protective voice is desperate for certainty and to keep me safe. It’s just seeing danger. It means well but it’s being overly protective with you. I’m recognising it. I never did before.
Things seem to pop up just at the right time, including these wise words. Blake Burge on Bluesky spoke of pausing to delay our reactions. He’s right, feelings of anger, fear and impulse drives us to move and act quickly. I know I did with you during my triggered states. I’m so, so sorry. I thank you with all my heart for proving me wrong and for pulling me out of those triggers.
It’s true, pausing can help us to see things clearly, and it could help stop us making regretful decisions out of impulse. I’m just learning how to sit with the uncomfortable feelings. I’m pressing that pause button.
It’s 11.15. I imagine you’re thoroughly enjoying, or have enjoyed, your blissful rendezvous with coffee {} xx
I’ve just opened YouTube and Gaz Coombes’ stunning live version of Oxygen Mask popped up. It does feel like that at the moment. I need to put on the oxygen mask both physically and mentally. Panic is taking over from time to time. It did yesterday at the hairdresser, but I was safe. I am safe. I need to keep reminding myself of this.
I just remembered you saying that I was safe with you. It still moves me {} xxx Despite the fear that’s being projected onto you, deep down I know that I am safe with you. My protective voice needs to know this too. My child knows. She’s always known. She wanted you to rescue her from her/my dad. I can see that now, but it’s me who needs to rescue her and make her feel safe.
You take the greatest and gentlest care of yourself my lovely. I really do hope you’re okay. I think that worry and concern will always be there {} xxx
Have a wonderful day. I’m keeping everything crossed it’s not a late night for you and it zooms by. Make sure you give you and your precious heart lots of wonderful nourishment when you get home, along with lots of rest and relaxation {} xxx
I love you so much and I’m giving you the warmest and most comforting bear hugs in the world. It’s 11.33 {} xxxx
It’s 12.12. I just ordered our favourite red. It’s just £11 per bottle and they sent me a £10 discount code, so it was just £56 for six bottles plus delivery. Bargain. I thought I’d let you know just in case {} xx
I’m keeping everything crossed it’s dry when you finish work. Get home safely my lovely {} xxx It’s supposed to be a clear night, so we’ll be able to enjoy moon’s majestic beauty. Wonderful! Let’s enjoy it together my precious starshine {} xx