Here’s Johnny…
26th July 2026
Good morning my most beautiful and precious starshine,
I’m listening to Johnny Marr’s new single Ophelia. I’ve actually listened to a few times this morning. It’s brilliant!! So exciting!! Naturally I needed to send it to you. I hope you fall in love with it as well {} xxx
How are you? I really hope you’re okay and you had a very restful night’s sleep. I really hope everything is okay my lovely {} xxx
I just checked to make sure that your loved ones were far away from the wildfires in southern Europe. It’s a huge relief to know that they are safe. I’m keeping everything crossed that they’re never affected by them. I know the temperatures are set to rise again. Please get there and back safely my lovely {}
It’s 11:11 xx I hope you’re enjoying every hug and kiss from coffee. As always, they’ll give you lots for me as well. I’ve not long had my cuppa, but I’ll need another one soon.
I’ve spoken with Liron about my therapist, and I know I would’ve asked you as well. Knowing how I get triggered, it’s always difficult knowing whether I’m making the right judgement call. This is where my doubts come in.
I looked at BACP Code of Ethics, and my therapist has breached a few things on their extensive list. She’s done this previously as well, but I pushed it aside and ignored it.
Seeing it in written form was like a punch in my tum. She hasn’t tried to make me feel safe with the abandonment issues. If she did it deliberately to help me overcome it, then the way it was done is in breach of the ethical code as well. They’re clear about this. There’s no room for interpretation.
I can’t continue therapy with her, but I will need to speak with her in person as well as putting it in writing. I need to end the contract with her formally.
Her firm assumptions are a warning as well. I couldn’t understand why she recently said that she’s not my friend but my therapist. I was quite shocked by her comment, and couldn’t understand why she would’ve thought that. I didn’t know where it was coming from.
The only thing that might’ve made her think this, is when I told her that I needed her, but that was in a professional capacity, to help me with all the things that were being brought up. If she mistook my wording for something more, then she should’ve asked me about it.
The attachment I have with you, Liron and my friends is completely different to what I have with her. I know the boundaries in therapy. They’re very clear, and they’re there to protect both the client and the therapist.
She’s completely wrong about my photos as well. I’ve sent her a few photos I’d taken from the park and garden, when I could get there. You’ve seen all of them. The photos over the last eighteen months are naturally different, because I am in the depths of therapy, so they are a part of the process.
I’ve realised there’s no way my therapist and I can resolve this, because the trust and safety has been broken. It broke in the final minutes. It can’t be fixed. Whether she did it intentionally or unintentionally, her actions just reinforced part of the trauma. This is not what therapy is about. It’s to explore those things in a safe environment. We can only go there when we feel safe.
Again, what happened on Thursday at the end wasn’t a one off, it’s happened on a number of occasions. The cancellations have been more regular. This in breach of the ethical code as well. They are very strict.
I went to her because I needed a different therapy to my last one. One where the therapist gives their guidance and practical help. When she’s given it, she’s been brilliant and I’m so grateful for it, but for most parts, especially over the last eighteen months, I feel that I’ve been doing most of the work by myself. Alone. Again, this is not what therapy is about.
Many of the things I’ve watched and read over the last eighteen months, have really helped me understand what’s happening. They also helped me understand myself, as well as my dad and family. Music’s always there.
Liron said that my family left me to deal with the stuff on my own, my perpetrator did, and now my therapist has. It’s Liron who brought this up. It’s an observation she made over the last few years. She also said that I have my realisations, but then it doesn’t go anywhere. She’s right, my therapist hasn’t helped me work on these things.
Again, I really don’t want to see another therapist, but I need to, to get over the final hurdle. It does feel like the final hurdle. At least I now know what I need help with.
As I’ve said in a previous letter, I don’t use the word betrayal lightly. There are only a few people who I feel betrayed by, the perpetrator, the work colleague, the friend and now my therapist.
My therapist knows that I initially saw my perpetrator in a therapeutic capacity. It’s the first time I’ve spoken about him last year, and what really happened. She said we’d continue but she never followed up on it. This happened frequently.
It’s a shame I can’t see Liron’s therapist, but we’re hoping that she can recommend some. Fingers crossed.
Funnily, someone is searching for a therapist. I asked Liron if she’d ask her therapist if she’s available. I couldn’t recommend mine, because the person would need one where both worked jointly together. This was just a couple of weeks ago.
I knew it wasn’t right with my therapist, but I couldn’t see how I was being affected by it until Thursday. My therapist pulled the much-needed trigger. I see that now.
This experience has also made me realise that my trust and safety with you is intact. There’s no way I could write these letters to you if it wasn’t. The bond is also still there. It just got tangled in all the mess. The mess is mine, not yours {} xxx
Again, working on everything is helping me to untangle you from it. I just need more time.
It’s 12:50. I did have the second cuppa as I wrote this, along with a small piece of chocolate. They really do go well together.
It’s 13:45. Writing these last two letters to you have really helped, as well as speaking with Liron. The words that have just come out of my mouth is, “I feel relieved. It’s over.” I’ve only felt this when something hasn’t been right for me. This therapy hasn’t been right for me.
I never felt this with you. It was the complete opposite {} xxx
It’s 14:37. I’m going to take Johnny’s lead and play. There’s a wooden steampunk clock that’s waiting to be put together. It was a beautiful gift years ago.
Finally! I’ve just put on Simple Minds’ Once Upon a Time box set. Once Upon of Time is the perfect start to a brilliant album.
You must be making your sweet tum very happy. Thoroughly enjoy all the yumminess for me too xx I just had a naked chicken katsu salad.
Take the greatest and gentlest care of yourself my beautiful sweetheart {} Enjoy the most fabulous day with the games, food, medicine and sweet soul music. Thoroughly enjoy everything for me too {} xxx
I love you and I’m hugging you with all my love and might. Please join me with play, and rest well {} xxxx
Sanctify Yourself is playing. Now it’s Come a Long Way. I hope you enjoy all the songs my lovely {} xxx