Hiraeth…
16th August 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
How are you? I really hope you’re okay my lovely, and despite being busy, you’re taking everything at a relaxed pace. I imagine you’re chilling with some fabulous music right now. Thoroughly enjoy it for me too {} xxx
I just watched Anoushka Shankar. She’s spectacular. I loved every minute. As you know, watching a televised performance isn’t the same as being there in person, but this was the closest I’ve ever been. I don’t think the audience will ever forget this magical night. It was quite special.
I’ve never heard the word Hiraeth before. Beautiful name for longing. The piece is amazing as well.
I completely resonated with Anoushka’s introduction to her magnificent Chapters Trilogy. She illustrated how so much beauty can come from pain, and that transformation is waiting at the end of that journey. It gave me hope.
My modus operandi when anything painful and bad happened was to run and escape. Again, it’s not that I was completely numb to the pain, it’s just that I tried to avoid it by keeping busy and doing the things I love. I needed that buzz, that joy and excitement. They were my drugs.
It’s now 20.20.
I also understood when she said that she couldn’t touch the pain. I feel I had no control of this since November. I’ve been touching that pain for the very first time, although it felt a lot more than just touching it. I am now a long way away from where I was. I never thought I would or could be. It does get better, little by little. I’m learning a lot as well, but still only know a miniscule amount {} xxx
It’s a dear friend’s birthday today, so I opened the last bottle of Cantena Vista Flores Mabec 2018. It’s been waiting to be drunk for over five years. I enjoyed every delicious sip with Anoushka. I hope you’re enjoying some medicine as well my lovely {} xx
I do feel a lot better than I did earlier today. Yesterday’s encounter was going through my head. I found myself putting on what I wore about five times, to see if it looked decent.
I looked at the model wearing the same playsuit. It was the same length and fit as mine. She looked absolutely fine and summery. I found myself looking at other images of women in playsuits. There’s nothing wrong with them.
I must sound strange for doing this, but I felt compelled to. I was thinking that it was my fault for wearing it, and that it was inappropriate. He wouldn’t have taken the photo if I was completely covered. Seeing the photos made me realise that there was nothing wrong with what I was wearing. It’s fairly normal when it’s hot.
My brain is also busy working unconsciously. I couldn’t understand why I started to think about an old friend of mine. It’s only later that I realised it’s about safety. We stayed over at each other’s home once. We snuggled up and fell asleep on my couch. I was absolutely safe and so was he. I’m absolutely safe with all my male friends.
I think my brain is trying to find ways of making me feel safe again. This includes covering up fully, but I shouldn’t have to do this. It’s going to take time processing what happened because it’s linked to my past as well.
It really feels as if the universe is chucking everything at me with the triggers. It’s never been like this before, but then these triggers force me to look at the underlying causes of the feelings and reactions that arise. It’s showing me how it’s shaped me.
Yesterday triggered self blame, shame and feeling like a bad person. I also felt violated. These things took me by surprise, but then it shouldn’t because this is how I’ve been for most of my life. It needs addressing.
It’s 21.21. Take it gently my precious sweetheart, and enjoy the rest of your evening with tons fun, relaxation, music and excitement. Then sleep well and restfully with sweet and blissful dreams for me {} xxx
I love you and I’m giving you the biggest and tightest bear hugs ever imaginable, with lots of kisses {} xxxx
I’ve always felt safe with you. Thank you so, so much {} xxx