Hope…
6th October 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
How are you my lovely? I really do hope you’re okay, and you slept well and restfully, with the sweetest of dreams {} xxx I imagine you made lots of delicious magic yesterday. I hope you didn’t finish too late, and you had a good rest afterwards. If you watched Jools last night, I imagine it was brilliant and you loved it. I’m looking forward to catching up.
It’s 13:13. I hope you’re having a really good start to the day. I imagine coffee was very excited to see you, and had lots of comforting hugs and energising kisses waiting for you. It’s soon time to make your sweet tum very happy. Sun’s shining gloriously so that they can join you. Thoroughly enjoy your peaceful moment for me too my precious sweetheart {} xx
Jane Goodall was incredible wasn’t she?!! Such a beautiful, remarkable, gentle, wise and inspiring soul. I imagine you’ve already seen the clip of her Netflix interview, Famous Last Words. Her words are incredibly powerful and so true. We can’t lose hope, and it would be great if they could be blasted off into space, so they can’t cause any more harm.
I’m struggling really badly with the crash. System is calming down, but I do feel knocked out. Brain is struggling. I wish I didn’t have the physical pre-op appointment on Wednesday. I really hope I can shower today. I just need to get through the next week. I am looking forward to the sleep with the anaesthetic, and I’m keeping everything crossed I’ll be given a shot of morphine, which you know is my happy drug.
Erasure released Sometimes today in 1986, 39 years ago. I could’ve sworn I was older than 12. You would’ve been 20. I was a huge fan. It’s funny how that age difference is so big at that age, yet it’s insignificant a few decades later. I’m so glad I caught up with you {} xx
The universe is working its magic. Someone posted an old photograph of Chelsea Girl. Do you remember the store? Perhaps not, but you might remember Concept Man. I never knew they merged to form River Island.
My first experience at Chelsea Girl was with my dad. I can finally put it into context now. It would have been in the winter of 1989, a few months after he’d raped me. The reason why the store is ingrained in my memory is because we went on a shopping spree, which was very unusual, and so was being allowed to get what I wanted. I now wonder if it was out of guilt on his part. I had no memory of what he had done, so just thought he was being nice.
I got a lovely black winter coat from Chelsea Girl. It had a funnel neck and looked very smart and grown up. With being small for my age, I was used to wearing children’s clothes, so it felt great to dress more like my age. I also got a red beret to go with it. Unsurprisingly, it became a frisbee at school.
Funnily Prince’s Raspberry Beret popped up a couple of hours after I recalled this memory. It did make me smile. Timing was perfect.
Bryan Adams (Everything I Do) I Do It For You also popped up at the perfect time. It was released on the 17th of June 1991. This was also significant. When I was sleeping in the attic, my two little cousins used to come up when I was out and play it. It was on cassette so it got chewed up a number of times. I now think it’s quite sweet they loved the song so much. Didn’t at the time.
I must’ve moved into the attic when I was seventeen. A friend suggested it. It was definitely before my eighteen birthday because I remember celebrating it in there. I remember the keys. I was there until I was nineteen. There were two beds in the attic, but they were covered in junk and dust. I cleared a section of the floor and kept that area clean. The floor was where I did my art foundation work, and it’s where I slept. I slept on the floor for over year, and I used my rucksack as a pillow.
They would’ve known about my sleeping conditions, but no one cared. There was a radiator there, but the window was drafty. It was uncomfortable sleeping on the floor, but I got used to it. I used to tell myself that I’m suffering because my future was going to be brighter. I was going to be happy and do really well. That was the thing that kept me going, that hope along with my creativity.
Despite the discomfort, it was my sanctuary and it helped keep me safe during that period. It was too far for my dad to reach me, although he did when he found out I was going to do a paper round. My grandfather must’ve told him. My dad terrified the life out of me that day, and I had to say no to the paper round.
For the very first time, thanks to the timeline, I’m getting a more cohesive picture of the aftermath of the rape. I’m also realising that the majority of the flashbacks I’ve been getting, have been since he raped me when I was fourteen. I never knew. This is the thing that keeps getting re-triggered. This is a huge realisation and it feels like I’m finally getting the missing pieces. It did happen.
I’ve always had flashbacks of rushing to the toilets at school, locking myself in the cubicle and crying my heart out. I felt distressed. I couldn’t understand why. I thought I was weak because I couldn’t control my emotions. This was in the fourth and fifth year at Moseley school.
Wetting myself and the suicidal thoughts were also the result of the rape. I know I’m traumatised by all the abuse at home, but I think being raped at fourteen pushed me over the edge, in the same way COVID-19 has pushed my health over the edge. I think it’s due to the brutal nature of it. I was scared for my life. I’m now convinced it’s the most traumatising thing I’ve experienced, which is why it’s affected me so badly.
Since I blocked it, my brain hasn’t been able to process it, so it comes out in other ways, such as my insecure feelings, fears, thoughts and behaviours. It’s affected my whole being. I see this now, and it’s robbed me of so much.
I remember asking you if you played kiss chase at school. I’m beaming as I remember this lovely conversation. I told you of my first time. I was about five or six. There was an event at home and we had visitors. I was sitting on the stairs with the sweetest boy. He had the biggest brown eyes. He asked if I’d like to play kiss chase, and I happily said yes. We ran up and down the stairs. When he caught me, he kissed me on the cheek. It was lovely, fun, sweet and very innocent.
That innocence was forcefully taken when I was nine, when my dad sexually abused me for the first time. Kissing became something I was scared of, and something that felt dirty. It just didn’t feel natural and I couldn’t understand why. Sex is something I couldn’t think about. Those feelings were shut down. It wasn’t a part of me, which is why I thought I was asexual. I couldn’t even say the word sex comfortably until about six years ago. It all makes perfect sense now.
My brain is busy working on the trauma, and it is showing up in my dreams. I think it’s working on what happened when I was eleven at the moment. It was not long after my grandmother died. I can’t remember if I told you what he did on that day. I still find it very difficult, and I feel so ashamed and dirty. He was waiting for me to come home from school. When I got in the room, he forced his penis into my mouth…
I’m so glad I blocked all the memories of the sexual abuse. I couldn’t have survived otherwise. I wouldn’t have been able to function. It would’ve completely destroyed and broken me because there was no one I could go to. I couldn’t ask for help. I wasn’t safe.
The photo of me in the Meteor Ford article upsets me now. I was right in the middle of it. It was a year after the rape and about five months before I took the overdose. The thing that upsets me the most, is that you can’t see the turmoil and distress I was going through during that period. It was always hidden behind that smile. It wasn’t intentional. I smiled automatically. I guess it also helped keep me going. My friends and school brought some much needed normality and safety into my life. It helped me forget what was happening at home.
I am slowly getting there. With all the medical appointments and the upcoming surgery, I’m having to contain it all at the moment, but there are moments when anger and pain seeps out. There’s a lot bubbling in that pot, but it needs to wait until after surgery.
It’s 16:44. I hope you’ll be home very soon my lovely, and you enjoy your journey with sunshine. It’s such a beautiful afternoon. I hope you’ve enjoyed today. You’re going to enjoy your evening even more {} xx
I sadly need to be a bit quiet so that I’m well enough for my appointments. I need to do the strict resting. I know am pushing my luck at the moment. Despite my silence, I am thinking of you, and my love and hugs are never-ending {} xx
Take the greatest and gentlest care of yourself my precious angel. Give yourself lots of pampering, and love and care for me too. Enjoy the most gorgeous, sunny and restful evening filled with fun, love and joy {} xxx
I love you so much and I’m hugging you with all my heart. Take care my lovely {} xxxx
It’s 19:09. I just saw The Greens party political broadcast. I imagine you have too {} xx It’s absolutely brilliant and incredibly powerful. They’re on point, captured the mood and told the story perfectly. It’s the best party political broadcast I’ve ever seen. You must be feeling very excited as well. There’s hope at last. I really wish I could speak with you. I imagine Jane Goodall would’ve loved it.
I love you, I love you, I love you, and I’m hugging you through my phone {} xxx
It’s 19:49. I just saw the Harvest Moon and it’s spectacular as well. Thoroughly enjoy its magic for me too my beautiful sweetheart. Let’s enjoy it together. Neil Young’s Harvest Moon naturally comes to mind {} xxxx