I Wish There Were No Fears…
9th June 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
It’s 00.30. I hope you’ve closed your gentle eyes and fallen fast asleep {} xxx
I slept so well last night and hoped it would continue, but I’m wide awake again. I think it’s the saline solution after the iron infusion that gave me the pick up. It’s the sodium chloride. I’ve read a number of long haulers say that they had more energy after it. Some use it as a treatment.
It’ll take time for the iron to help produce more red blood cells. My taste buds are affected but it’ll pass. I still feel nauseous but the relentless indigestion I’ve had has thankfully gone for now.
It’s fairly certain that the anaemia has been caused by the extremely heavy bleed once a month. This year’s been horrendous. The size of the clots terrified me. They were huge the last time, but I didn’t want to deal with it. I couldn’t. With everything that was happening, I didn’t have the energy or the capacity.
There’s a part of me that feels I can’t take any more. It’s just relentless. I can’t help but think perhaps it is time for me to go…
I got a call yesterday morning to book a pelvic scan. It’s two weeks today. Despite what I’ve just said, I hope it will be okay. I do feel scared. My health is out of my control. I really hope next year will be better.
I just heard Paul Weller’s gorgeous rendition of El Dorado. I hope you love it too {} xx I feel so sad that I won’t be able to share the album with you next month.
His incredibly poignant rendition of What Was I Made For? also comes to mind. It does make me cry. I remember sending it to you. It was an unexpected and beautiful surprise.
Sleep well, sleep restfully and peacefully my precious sweetheart. I love you {} xxxx