In a Loop…
4th March 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
How are you? There’s a part of me that desperately wants to reach out to you, and ask if you are okay after our brief contact. I really do hope you are feeling okay my lovely. I still worry {} xxx
I can’t help but think of a scene between David Tennant and Catherine Tate, in Dr Who. Donna asks The Doctor if he’s all right, and he says he always is, to which Donna asks:
Donna: “Is “all right” special Time Lord code for “really not all right at all”?”
The Doctor: “Why?”
Donna: “Cos I’m all right too”
Dr Who Series 4: Forest of the Dead
There’s so much about David Tennant’s Doctor that reminds me of you. He’s absolutely brilliant and was born to play that role. He captured The Doctor’s personality, inner turmoil and emotions perfectly. So many heartbreaking moments. I really felt for him.
I feel the most poignant scenes were between him and Wilfred. He spoke freely and openly with Wilfred, and there was a lot of love and affection between the two of them. It was beautiful and very touching to see.
The most gut-wrenching moments are the parting scenes between The Doctor and Rose. I fully felt their pain and was crying my heart out with them. I was Rose. That’s how I was and how I’m still feeling.
I wish you could tell me how you feel. I wish you could tell me what you need and want. I wish you could speak with me. I wish it was like it was before. I wish I had a magic wand to put everything right. I wish it wasn’t so heartbreaking and extremely painful.
I took your second final words as you wanting to say goodbye again. The words felt like November. I took your initial contact as one of regret. I really do feel so much gets lost in translation between us, but I’m now understanding that our triggers are interfering violently as well.
I wish I could help you regarding your triggers, in the same way you helped me with mine. I can’t tell you how I wish I could help you. This is where we’d need to speak with each other. I just want you to be free and at peace my lovely, I really do {} xxx
I know the negative effects unresolved trauma has on us, especially at an unconscious level. It’s like being trapped and stuck in a prison, one that isn’t of our own choosing or making. So much energy goes into containing it and doing our best to avoid it.
I know any type of healing can only start with us, and that journey comes in different forms and routes. I also know how much it helps having the love, care, support and understanding from our loved ones. It’s incredibly precious and invaluable.
U2’s Moment of Surrender is on loop. The verse that really affects me is when Bono sings of being in black holes, and how his body’s begging to get back to his heart and soul, and released from control. His voice during this verse is filled with agony and yearning. Like B.B. King, he’s speaking directly to my soul and making it cry uncontrollably.
I know I need to take your silence for what it is, and I’m beginning to again. It really is over isn’t it? You are becoming a ghost. My heart breaks for both of us, it really does. Floodgates have opened once more. I miss you. I miss you so much. I wish I could hug you one more time {} xxxx