It Was a Bad Trigger…
30th June 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
It’s 17.55, I imagine you must relieved to be home. I really do hope you’re okay my lovely, and not too shattered {} xx It is sweltering and extremely draining today. Despite this, I hope you’ve had a really good day and everything is going well. I hope all your loved ones are okay.
Completely switch off now, sit back and relax with something refreshing with sunshine. Rest, rest and rest. Here’s The Charlatans So Oh just for you {} xxx
Therapy was difficult and very painful today. I was more triggered by the examination than I realised. The sedative numbed it. It was distressing, especially with still bleeding. I felt ashamed and dirty. The sonographer and nurse were lovely and absolutely fine about it. They were prepared, but I felt awful. Then came the probe.
The sonographer said I didn’t need to do the probe if I didn’t want to, but I thought I’d be fine with the sedative. The probe itself was small. You’re meant to feel discomfort, not pain. I wasn’t thinking anything, but I immediately felt the soreness and pain. My body wouldn’t let the probe anywhere near it. We tried about three or four times. I thought I’d be okay.
Talking about it today, it hit me how painful it would’ve been for me as a child. I’m an adult and it felt extremely painful on Friday, I can’t imagine how it must have felt as a child. It would’ve been horrendous. I’m not surprised I blocked everything out. I had to function. I had to survive.
I wish I could remember fully, but I can’t. I do remember the aftermath though. I remember telling you there was a period where I kept wetting myself, just before I got home from school. I couldn’t control it. I was five minutes away. I must’ve been terrified.
I washed my skirt and socks as soon as I got home. I felt so dirty and so ashamed. I felt ashamed of smelling, even after washing everything. I couldn’t get rid of it. I felt the same shame during the examination when I bled. Thankfully I couldn’t feel it fully because of the sedative, but it was there. I kept apologising.
There would’ve have been blood when he did what he did, I just can’t remember. My therapist said that my body would remember, and she’s absolutely right. As I was falling asleep last night, I felt a short burst of pain there. There was nothing near me.
We will need to continue talking about it next week. I’m not sure if I will ever fully remember what happened. Perhaps it’s not necessary. I honestly don’t know. Perhaps I need to remember how it’s left me feeling, and how it’s affected me. I felt the distress and emotional pain today.
Everything seems to be coming at the same time, but I think I’m more mentally prepared now, as prepared as one can be. I just need to take one day at a time.
On a positive note, my system is still calm. Saturday was a blip. I really hope it lasts. I still need oxygen and the arc machine. It’s great being well enough to have a shower earlier in the day, rather than late afternoon. I’m still managing to take care of the plants.
Take the greatest and gentlest care of yourself my lovely. If you spend some time in your studio, have tons of fun playing your beautiful heart out for me too {} xxx
Enjoy the most gorgeous, sunny and restful evening with lots of TLC. I wish I could hug you {} xxxx
20.54
I just had the most unexpected surprise. Fuchsia is starting to bud. She hasn’t flowered for a few years and almost died three times. Amazing. She’s incredibly resilient. I can’t wait to see her blossom. She’s given me a lot of hope.
I really do hope you are managing to sleep well in this heat. I still keep waking up but I can get to sleep easily, thanks to the iron infusions calming my nervous system. Sleep well and very restfully my sweet angel, and dream sweet dreams for me. I love you {} xxxx
Here’s the brilliant [Nothing but] Flowers and the beautiful This Must Be the Place for you to go to sleep with. Nnight (21.21) {} xxx