It’s Electric…
31st July 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
It’s 22.02. I haven’t listened to any music all day. I’m just getting ready to sleep and opened YouTube. I was greeted by Miles Kane’s Electric Flower. It’s great. Marc Bowlan comes to mind. I hope you enjoy grooving to it too my lovely {} xx
It’s been an extremely difficult day, but I had a beautiful surprise from a dear friend. They sent me a copy of Mouth, which is a collection of poems by Mona Arshi about trauma, survival, loss and grief experienced by women. I found this brilliant review by Jade Cuttle in the Observer for you, which explains it far better than I ever could. My friend timed it perfectly.
I’ve been in so much pain with my tum. Blood test was very quick. It was therapy that was extremely tough and painful. I’m being triggered from all directions. I watched a drama yesterday that showed a teenager being raped by her mum’s boyfriend. It was completely unexpected and not mentioned in the description. It triggered me but I did my best to push it away. This is where dissociation helps.
It came up in therapy as well as my dad. I wish I had the full memory. I also talked about my mum’s final year. I’ve always talked about it as a matter of fact, without much emotion. I’m now feeling the pain and everything that goes with it, which is good.
My therapist inadvertently triggered me when she told me she’s going to be away for two weeks. I felt so distressed. I didn’t know how I was going to cope. So much is coming up unexpectedly. I’ve never reacted like this before. I couldn’t stop crying. With what we were talking about, I think it triggered the feelings of when my mum died, and being left to deal with everything on my own. That’s the thing, I never allowed myself to feel this as a child, but it’s been buried and I think it surfaced today.
I only wanted to send you Miles’ new single. I didn’t expect to write all of this. I feel so ill. It’s time to sleep.
You sleep well too my precious sweetheart. I really do hope you’re okay. I’m giving you the biggest comforting bear hugs. Nnight, sleep tight with sweet dreams for me. I love you {} xxxx
1st August 2025 – 06.54
I was talking about how I couldn’t cope with my mum being so ill in therapy. I was very upset. I think the distress I felt when my therapist told me she’s away for two weeks might’ve triggered these feelings. It’s feeling overwhelmed by her being so ill, and not being able to cope. I didn’t know what to do when my mum was distressed. I felt helpless and I froze.
I felt very distressed last night before I went to sleep. I also forgot to take the tranexamic acid tablets in the afternoon, and it started gushing. This distressed me further. The tablets stopped it. I can only take them for two more days.
The iron transfusions really did come at the right time. I’m getting good sleep even when I don’t get very much. I need to try and see if I can get to sleep again.
I really hope you slept soundly and peacefully my lovely {} xxx Slowly wake up and have a very gentle start to the day. I hope the sun’s shining brightly for you. Whatever you’re doing, enjoy the most beautiful and relaxing day for me too, doing the things you love {} xx
Your Old Father Tyme is giving me a lot of comfort during the night. Thank you so much {} xxx Take the greatest care of yourself my precious angel. I’m sending you tons and tons of love, with the biggest and tightest of magical healing bear hugs bursting with gentle kisses {} xxxx