It’s Time for Both of Us…
10th March 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
It was so lovely to have the brief moment of normality with you. Thank you so much {} xxx I didn’t expect you to reply. Hope of Deliverence is the first song that popped up the following day. It couldn’t be more fitting.
This letter has been the hardest and the most painful to write. It’s changed quite a lot over the last few days as I began to have more clarity and realisations. I really don’t want to post it because it would make it real. This is the last thing I ever wanted. This feels like November. I feel like I’m losing you all over again and the pain is just as raw.
November set this in motion when it triggered the grief. It was the finality of your words. There was only one possible destination for this grief to go, and one that I’m still desperately trying to fight against. Your contact couldn’t pull me out of it. I was too far gone.
The other thing that has changed is the reason for letting go. I thought it was just for myself, but now I realise it’s for you as well.
The yearning for how we were and how it was is still there. I still wish you were in my life, I really do. I can now see it in the last two letters that I’ve written. I couldn’t as I wrote them. This would be torture if it continued indefinitely, but the grief of letting go feels just as unbearable.
I also know that if I keep holding on, then I’m continuing to perpetuate my feelings of abandonment, being broken and unwanted. I can’t do this to myself. It’s harmful and would completely erode my sense of self.
I thought I just needed to let go of the pain and longing of how we were and what once was, but it hit me today how not letting go would affect us both very badly as well.
Without addressing and working on it, it would also be re-triggering for you, so this would be just as harmful for you. I don’t want you to be triggered over and over again. I know how this is, so I don’t want to inadvertently cause that distress. I couldn’t live with myself. We’d continually trigger each other.
This is so painful, it really is. I also know, without addressing it, the cycle we’ve just been through would continue. One of the consequences of this is that it would gradually erode the safety and trust for both of us, which would be harmful and even more triggering.
Sadly, November has affected my trust and safety, despite knowing why you needed to end our friendship. This is a natural consequence. I just didn’t want to see it or feel it. I can now and it breaks my heart even further. I never wanted to feel this way with you. I never thought I could. To know that it could erode even more with time for both of us is inconsolable.
I can’t put us through all of this knowingly, despite how much I love you and miss you. I love you and I miss you with all my heart and soul, I really do {} xxx
I can’t help but feel like I’m abandoning you. By doing so, it feels the same as if I’m abandoning myself. You are a part of me. You don’t know how much this is breaking my heart. I understand fully and empathise deeply. I don’t want to reinforce it because it’s not true, but the harm is far more damaging. I’ve been in therapy for too long not to know this.
I don’t want either of us to be in that turmoil, and I don’t want our time together and what we have to be marred in any way. It was beautiful, special and extremely precious, just like you are. It needs to stay that way. It was very real and not a dream. This is the only way it can be preserved. This is the only way we can preserve ourselves.
I want us to remember our time together for what it truly is, loving, caring, joyous, fun, nurturing, supportive, encouraging, exciting, respectful, positive, healthy and healing. It was built on safety and trust, along with the precious connection we share.
All these things will always be there. I know this. I also know that you’ll always be a part of me. How can you not be? You’ve made such a huge and positive impact on my life, and helped change it in so many ways. It’s been life changing. I’m pretty sure when I get through this, this will be as well. I hope so.
It’s sadly time for both of us to let go, but I feel you already know this. I desperately don’t want to. No one is to blame. The situation we find ourselves in is impossible, tragic and utterly devastating. Yes, triggers do keep us apart. Knowing all of this doesn’t make it less painful. I wish I had a magic wand.
I love you and I care for you deeply. I love you more than you can ever possibly know. You’ve been a part of me from the very moment we met. You always will be. You were home. I’m hugging you like the very last time my lovely. It’ll stay with you along with my heart and all my love {} xxxx
7.22pm
Moon is glowing spectacularly tonight, just for us. It looks like they’re looking down on us, which is quite comforting. I wish I had the energy to take a photo. Enjoy their beauty and magic for me as well {} xx
It still hurts but I don’t feel as tormented. I need to try and rest now and come out of this ongoing crash. I know it won’t stop me feeling, but it’ll give my body a chance to hopefully recover a bit. I will write once I’m feeling a bit better. I love you my most beautiful and precious starshine. Always will {} xxxx
8.34pm
I just saw this incredibly moving and insightful video from James Van Der Beek and want to share it with you. He talks about his experience with cancer and what it taught him about who he is. His profound words made me cry. He’s absolutely right, we are worthy of our own love, but I’m still struggling with this one.
Take the greatest care of yourself my lovely. Sleep well and very restfully, with the sweetest of dreams for both of us {} xxx
I needed a little bit of normality once more.