Almost There…
15th May 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine {} xxx
It’s 15:42. If you haven’t already, I hope you’ll be escaping any minute now. How are you my lovely? I really do hope you’re okay and you’ve had a really good week {} xxx
I imagine you will be exhausted. You can completely switch off soon. Rest, rest and rest my precious angel {} xx
I saw there’s a very special match on tonight. They must be so excited. I’m keeping everything crossed for them, and hope there’ll be a lot of cheer and celebrations afterwards xx
I imagine you’ll enjoy playing your precious heart out. Have tons and tons of fun for me too my lovely {} xxx What songs are you playing at the moment? I bet you sound amazing!!
I heard Sadistic Mika Band playing Suki Suki Suki on The Old Grey Whistle Test. The first few notes reminded me Paul McCartney’s Coming Up. It might just be me. What do you think?
I imagine you must have thoroughly enjoyed the semi final for Eurovision last night, and you must be looking forward to the final tomorrow. Wonderful!!
I dreamt there was a snake on my bed last night. There was a dog at the foot of the bed as well. The last time I dreamt of snakes, my therapist said that they represent my dad. Have you ever had dreams with snakes?
This snake was very slowly moving its way towards me over hours. Just as it was almost at my feet, I jumped out of the bed. I later discovered that you had taken the snake away, and put it somewhere out of harms way.
In light of what came up in therapy yesterday, it feels quite apt. I’ll be able to ask my therapist about this dream next week.
Therapy was incredibly difficult, and I felt so much pain. I told my therapist about how I feel with abrupt endings, and how feelings of abandonment come up, which naturally brought me back to my mum. I knew she was extremely ill, but I didn’t know she was going to die. It was abrupt…
I didn’t know how to look after myself after my mum died. I was desperately hoping that my dad would be like my mum, but that never happened.
I had to grow up quickly. I learnt that I could only rely on myself. The fun and playfulness I had with my mum died with her. I couldn’t express feelings of upset with my family. The only time was during the physical abuse, where I couldn’t hide it. I was too distressed and shaken.
The thing is, the only time I saw anyone in the family upset, was when someone died. But I also saw the hypocrisy in their tears as well. It didn’t always feel genuine. It was genuine when my grandmother died. They also expressed upset with anger and violence. This is all I saw and knew.
I never saw my mum upset, I never saw anyone at school get upset, so I thought I wasn’t strong when I cried in the school’s toilets. Everyone seemed fine, so I thought I was odd. I was weak. I thought I needed to be fine all the time, I guess that’s where my smile comes in. I was known for smiling at school.
For most parts, I felt okay outside of the house. I could forget…
Then there was feeling responsible for my dad’s emotions. Trying to keep safe. Doing as I was told at home. My youngest aunt treating me like her slave. I feared her and my dad the most. I lived in fear in that house after my mum died.
I would shut down any feelings of upset and pain, by telling myself to stop feeling sorry for myself. I tried to make myself feel happy and escape with music, books, creativity, studying, TV and films. It’s the only way I could keep going. This continued into my adulthood. It became my natural way of being.
I learnt that feeling sad and crying were negative emotions, which shouldn’t be felt, and yet I feel nothing but empathy and compassion for those who express these emotions. I was also terrified of any forms of anger, so I spent decades not feeling it at all.
My therapist said I was too young to develop an identity at nine. I guess my identity was revolved around keeping myself safe at home, and to stop me from feeling the pain and grief. I knew I couldn’t rely on anyone to help at home. I couldn’t rely on anyone to keep me safe. It was only my mum who kept me safe.
I couldn’t ask for help, and I still struggle to ask for it. It’s only when I’m absolutely desperate. My needs and my feelings didn’t matter at home, and I continued this into my adulthood.
Then there’s the rescuing. Trying to rescue others, and now discovering that I was trying to rescue myself in doing so. It so complex!!! We’re all complex beings aren’t we?!
With the grief, my therapist said that I haven’t grieved for my dad either, and everything I lost with him. I know this. My feelings have been disconnected. It’s the unprocessed grief for both my parents, the unprocessed trauma of the abuse, and being stuck in that time, that have shaped how I am, as well as my relationships with people.
That nine year old child is still stuck in that time. I have grown up, I am an adult, but she along with all the feelings, are still there. She’s left behind and ignored by me.
My therapist said I need to integrate that child with myself. I guess feeling the grief for my mum and dad is the first step. It’s also trying not to run away from the painful emotions. It’s trying not to push away what happened. I still do this despite knowing how important it is not to.
I guess it’s allowing all of it to be a part of me, and knowing it’s okay not to be okay. The behavioural changes should hopefully happen naturally, because there’ll be no need for them. I really do hope so. I am aware and have accepted the behaviours that are harmful for me, so I hope I can change those. I just want peace of mind. That’s all.
My child needs to feel safe. I know this, but it just hit me again. She does need rescuing. She came to you in my triggered states. She goes to Liron as well. I did yesterday straight after therapy.
It feels like it’s my nine year old self who goes to Liron. It was my teen self that came to you. I am an adult outside of my distressed and triggered states. Please know that I have been an adult with you, for the majority of our time together.
The youngest selves really do need to be integrated don’t they?!! They’re a part of me, yet they’ve separated because they’re stuck in the trauma and grief.
I’m seaking comfort and reassurance when I come to you and Liron, the same as I did with my mum. I have been searching for my mum, but I’ve also been searching a father I never had. Again, all of this has been unconscious. I wasn’t aware of any of it.
Along with my mum, I have only felt completely safe with you and Liron. I have felt safe with others, but the safety with both of you is different. I’ve been my complete self with you both, the good, the bad and the ugly.
It’s 17:08. The sun’s shining gloriously for you!! They’re delighted you’re free as well. I imagine you must be home and relaxing with something refreshing. Brilliant!! Enjoy their comforting hugs for me too my lovely {} xxx I hope it’s not long until you can fully settle in for the night.
Take it gently, and have the most beautiful, sunny and relaxing evening. Thoroughly enjoy your heavenly meal and making lots of sweet soul music. I hope you’ll all be jumping for joy tonight {} xxx
I love you, and I’m hugging extremely tightly with sunshine kisses. Rest well my beautiful sweetheart {} xxxx
Since tree’s blossomed, blue tits, magpies and pigeons have been happily visiting them. The pigeons seem to especially love visiting in the evenings. They sit, relax, pick and eat. Let’s join them!!
I hope you’re now settling in for the night. Thoroughly enjoy playing and singing your gorgeous heart out my wonderful one. Hug, hug. Kiss, kiss {} xxx