Champions Cup Final…
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
How are you? I hope you’re feeling wonderful my lovely (I imagine you are), and you had a very restful night’s sleep. I hope you’re enjoying a slow and gentle start with sunshine {} xxx The weather’s glorious isn’t it?!!
You must be so excited about the Champions Cup final this afternoon xx I am for you too, and I’m keeping everything crossed for your favourite team {} xx It’s 12:52, so not long to go.
I’m struggling both physically and emotionally today. I’m really fucked up. I’m more aware of my thoughts, feelings and reactions now. I’m beginning to realise I struggle with bad news from people. I feel responsible and want to try and make it better for them.
I feel responsible for things that are completely out of my, or anyone’s control. I worry about saying the wrong thing and upsetting them further. I feel stressed and worried, and become a mess.
This isn’t quite normal is it?!! It is a trauma response. My dad being upset was catastrophic for me, because it resulted in abuse.
I’ve learnt that the smallest things can be catastrophic. The tiny piece of paper on the floor comes to mind, which led to him trying to strangle me. Unconsciously, I think everyone will be like this. I see this now. I really do.
My dad always blamed me for his anger and rage. No wonder I think people would be upset with me if something’s going wrong for them.
Liron tells me to sit with these uncomfortable feelings, with kindness towards and curiousity. My instinct is to be angry with myself, and tell myself how stupid and horrible I am. I then try to escape.
I think I’m good at thinking logically about what’s happening, but this causes me to avoid the distressing emotions, which feel overwhelming.
I feel I can’t cope, but at the same time I know the feelings do pass. I need to sit with them and know it’s okay, and know where they’re actually coming from. For me, it’s always my dad and his family.
My perpetrator hasn’t helped at all. He always said that every single thought, good and bad, comes back to you. I believed him at the time, and it’s added another layer of guilt and shame on top of everything else. I’ve always felt like a bad person, so it just compounded it.
I am learning that thoughts and feelings are just that. They can’t cause any harm, only actions do, but I still have a long way to go. Everything is heightened at the moment, along with my awareness and insecurities. I really am fucked up, but I’m working on it little by little. I do need to be kinder towards myself.
It’s 14:14. I imagine you must be preparing something scrumptious for lunch. What are you going to enjoy? I bet it’s superb.
I’ve just had a sweet potato, butternut squash, broccoli, carrot and lettuce salad, with different seeds and beans. The spinach yogurt dressing that came with it, was delicious as well and hasn’t upset my tum.
I imagine your sweet tum will be happy very soon. Wonderful!! xx
You probably already know this. If you’re making hummus, adding ice cubes instead of water is supposed to make it creamier. I never knew, but then I’ve never made any. How do you make yours?
It’s 14:41. It’s almost kick off. You must be settling in. Thoroughly enjoy every thrilling minute of the rugby for me too my beautiful sweetheart xx I’m keeping everything crossed you’ll be leaping for joy afterwards, and celebrating with medicine {} xxx
I’m thinking of you and I love you loads {} xxx Sending you tons and tons of magical healing love, with cooling hugs and kisses {} xxxx
It’s 15:05. I just saw the score, it’s 7-7. It’s going to be a rollercoaster of a game isn’t it?!! Thoroughly enjoy it my lovely!!! I imagine medicine’s holding your hand tightly xx
It’s 19:02. I’m so sorry about the score, but I imagine it was a great game and you loved every minute of it {} xx I imagine your fabulous party’s in full swing now. Thoroughly enjoy it for me too my lovely xx
I just watched an earlier episode of Jools. It was wonderful hearing Beverley Night talking about the amazing Sister Rosetta Tharpe, and Holly Johnson talking about how it was in the eighties. I didn’t know they were one of the first openly gay artists. I’m so thankful for the exposure I had at that young age. It’s so important isn’t it? I’m sure my mum would’ve loved them as well. We’ve torpedoed backwards haven’t we?!!
It’s 19:19 xx I am in a badly triggered state today. I am severely traumatised aren’t I?!! Hearing people shout, even in merriment, makes me jump. I could hear celebrations earlier. I think their raised voices trigger my dad’s raised voice during his anger with me, and the arguments he and my family had. Yes, it’s the equivalent of a bomb going off, and the terror returns.
It has been difficult for me to escape today. It was Liron who told me to watch Jools. She saw how much I loved it yesterday. It has helped, and so does writing to you {}
I’m truly and deeply sorry for all the mess, I really am {} xxx I know no one’s to blame. It was the horrendous triggers, but it doesn’t prevent the hurt and the pain from happening. I know I can only speak for my own hurt and pain. Again, I’ve never experienced anything like this before. I really do hope you’re okay my lovely. I wish I could hug you {} xxx
I just hope there might be a chance to put it right with you, when I am in a better place. A safer place mentally.
I hope the conditions have been safe, for you to thoroughly enjoy being with sunshine today. I hope you’ve spent time in your beautiful magical garden xx It must be thriving with colour and life. Fantastic!!
Please give yourself lots of love, care and kindness for me xx Enjoy the most gorgeous evening with your precious heart bursting with love, sunshine, music and magic. Thoroughly enjoy your superb meal as well. I know you’ll be creating lots of magic over the coming week, in whatever form it takes {} xxx
I’m hugging you with all my love {} xxxx It’s 20:02 xx