Changes…
7th June 2026
Good morning my most beautiful and precious starshine,
It’s 11:33. I imagine you might be watching the cricket, England vs New Zealand. I bet it’s an exciting match, and I hope the weather doesn’t disrupt play today. Thoroughly enjoy it for me too my lovely {} xx
How are you? I hope you’re keeping really well, and you’re enjoying a very relaxing and restful weekend {} xxx I imagine you’ve enjoyed creating some amazing dishes. I hope it’s not a big cook today, and you can take everything at a gentle pace with lots of fabulous music xx
You were in my dream last night. It was so lovely. It’s been a long time. You replied to one of my letters, telling me how you are and how everything is going. I wish I could ask you directly. I wish I knew. I really hope you and your loved ones are all keeping well, and everything is okay. I really do hope you’re okay my lovely {} xxx
I also saw you in my dream, which was wonderful. Everything was absolutely fine and normal with us. I hope it will be…
I’m thoroughly enjoying catching up with Jools. I especially loved his interview with Peggy Seeger, and her explanation of teleology, “Everything that has happened in the past has only happened to be in the now”. It reminded me of an idea I had years ago about creating an interactive piece, showing how the decisions we make affect the outcome in the future. We are in control of our lives, aren’t we?!
There’s a big part of me that hopes so, but at the same time there’s something comforting about things being predetermined. It’s the, “if it’s meant to be”. I really hope that there might be a chance with our precious friendship. I’m hoping {} xxx
I also hope you’re reading these letters, so that you have a better understanding of what was happening on my side. I feel there have been so many misunderstandings for both of us.
I had no idea where you were coming from, because I didn’t see things in that way. Unknowingly, it was my dad and my perpetrator, that kept being triggered during the last six months with you. It was those feelings that were being displaced onto you. I’m so, so sorry, I truly am {} xxx
Last year, I sadly couldn’t communicate with you as I normally do. The severe trigger, along with the all-consuming grief and pain, put a tragic halt to it. I also assumed you didn’t want to know anymore. That might be true, but I couldn’t even ask you.
I’ve been struggling badly since therapy and watching Baby Reindeer. I’m sick of feeling this way. I’m sick and tired with how I keep punishing and blaming myself, for things that haven’t even happened. It’s like I anticipate the worst. I hate feeling like the bad person all the time. I hate feeling that everything I say might hurt someone unintentionally. I hate myself for feeling guilty, and beeing filled with fear and shame.
My trauma responses have been ruling me and keeping me in line. I didn’t need to be beaten with a stick, my protective voice/drill sergeant happily obliged, because they needed to get me through the trauma, and keep me going. I wish they’d stop now. It’s not needed, not with every single fucking thing. It’s ridiculous. I’m finally seeing this now.
It also affects how I am with people. It’s all driven by fear. The fear of getting told off. The fear of being abandoned. The fear of being misunderstood and chastised. Automatically assuming someone would hate me for just being me. They’d be angry and think the very worst of me; things that aren’t true. My experiences with my loved ones, and most people I meet, are positive. They aren’t like my blood family. You aren’t like my blood family {}
I’m sick of all of this. It’s absolutely exhausting and draining. With having such tiny energy, the harmful effects of these negative thoughts and feelings, are even more visible now. They don’t shut up. I’ve had enough of it. It causes me to suffer relentlessly. For what? For just for existing.
I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I really don’t. I don’t want the harmful thoughts and feelings anymore. I’m sick and tired of it all. I’m sick and tired of hating myself, and feeling like a bad person all of the time.
It’s 12:21. I guess feeling this anger and frustration, is the point where internal changes can start to happen. I really do hope so. I can’t continue like this. It’s not a way to live peacefully. It’s driving me mad. This illness is torture in itself; I don’t need to add to it. I don’t want my triggers and protective voice/drill sergeant to keep driving everything.
I need to find other ways of making myself feel safe, a way that’s gentler and kinder. A way where I’m not a monster to myself. I’m finally starting to see and feel it now.
I’ve been like this for all of my life. I’ve treated myself completely opposite to everyone else. I need to treat myself as I treat everyone else, with love, care, kindness and compassion. I think my inner child desperately needs this as well.
It was difficult for me to include the word love in that sentence. I hesitated, yet I don’t hesitate with anyone else. It really is difficult for me to show love towards myself. I don’t think I deserve it. I need to stop punishing and hating myself for something I didn’t do…
It’s 13:13. I just saw the result for the cricket, England have won. I hope you’re extremely happy and excited with the results my beautiful sweetheart {} xxx Unlike the rugby, I’m not quite sure who you’d be supporting. I just know you’d be loving everything thrilling moment. Brilliant!!
I imagine you’ll be getting ready to prepare something heavenly for lunch. What will you be enjoying? I’ll be having the Bombay saag aloo. I do find potatoes very comforting.
Thoroughly enjoy your superb lunch and continue enjoying your beautifully chilled day. Take it gently and happily my lovely, with the greatest care for me too {} xxx
I’m going to leave you with Billy Idol’s beautiful version of Eyes Without a Face, live on The Spectrum, and a fantastic video of Robin Williams, Bobby McFerrin and George Martin making Get Together. I never knew they did a cover of it. It’s great. I really hope you enjoy them {} xx
I love you loads, and I’m sending you an infinite amount of magical healing and protective love, humongous bear hugs and kisses. Rest well my beautiful angel {} xxxx
Do you think we have free will, or do you think some things are predetermined? I’ve never asked you. For much of my life, I thought things were predetermined, but this takes away our free will to choose, which is terrifying.
I always looked back to see some of the positive outcomes of my traumatic experiences, including this illness. I’m not sure if this is my way of dealing with all the bad things that have happened. I could always see something positive coming out of it. I really hope it continues. I hope it’ll be like my dream last night, and it comes true. I’m keeping everything crossed {} xxx