Compassion…
19th May 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
How are you my lovely? I hope you’re keeping really well and you’re having a great start to the week. I imagine it’ll be full on now, and you’ll be in great demand. I really do hope you’re okay {} xxx I imagine there must be so many exciting things happening.
I’m keeping everything crossed there’s no late night this week, if there is, then you don’t get home too late. I hope coffee’s looking after to with lots of comforting hugs and kisses from both of us {} xx
Have you seen Jools? I imagine you loved it if you have. I’m hoping to finally start watching it. I have missed it. I imagine Squeeze are brilliant on it. This Summer is my favourite of theirs. I’ve got the single and played it so many times. I still love it.
It was released on the 21st August 1995, I was twenty one. Almost two years had passed since I left home. I was working at the REP, and was just about to start the BA Theatre Design course at BCU. It was the Birmingham Institute of Art and Design then, and it was on the Aston campus.
I was still worked a number of evenings at the REP, and a couple of days at a different accessory shop during the course. I remember staying up until 3am doing the course work. I was completely burned out after the first year and I couldn’t continue. I had no choice but to leave the course, hoping that I could get design work through working in the theatre instead.
I know I said I wouldn’t be able to write to you, but despite feeling ill, I needed to. I completely lost my voice when I woke up, but it’s come back now.
It’s 16:16 xx I just saw my bloods results for my doctor. My thyroid and full blood count is absolutely fine. I will get the other tests results from my rheumatologist, which is a thorough test. It should be fine.
I saw a lovely neighbour as we were leaving for my blood test yesterday. It’s been a few years since I last saw him. We used to cross each other in the mornings. I was walking to college and he’d just dropped his daughter off at school.
I could see he was very upset about my illness. I saw it when he said hello. He was so lovely. He told me to keep fighting. His empathy and words only really hit me when I got to the surgery, and it brought me to tears. It also made me realise how seriously ill I am. I try not to think about it.
Throughout my life, there have only been a handful of people who have looked at me this way. You were one of them {} I recollect two moments, the first was years ago, the second was the last time we met, when we hugged each other good bye {} xxx
I guess I always seemed to give the impression that I’m fine, regardless of what I was experiencing. I guess it’s because I always pulled myself together, and not allowed myself to feel sorry for myself.
I think it might be time to have some empathy and compassion towards myself. It might be time to acknowledge what I’ve been through, and what I’m going through with this brutal illness.
My resourcefulness is helping me get through each day, but I think it’ll only be when I can see everything objectively, will I be able to acknowledge and feel the grief and my resilience.
Everyone always said how strong I am, including you {} xxx I’ve never felt it because I knew how difficult it was being me. I felt like fraud because I was a complete mess away from people.
You saw that mess, and if you’re reading these, then you’ll see that mess here. I’ve changed a lot in the past ten years, but I still feel like a huge mess. In fact, the more I realise, the messier I feel, but I am untangling that mess, and I am untangling you from it as well {} xx
The nurse was also lovely. It’s only when she was checking my details that I realised. “Shit!! I forgot my hospital form” came out of my mouth. I’m so glad we asked the taxi driver to wait for us. He took Liron back home to collect it. It wasn’t a problem.
The nurse knows Liron, and she told me that I need to feel the grief about the changes. She also told me how lovely I am, and never to change. It was quite an emotional outing. I don’t see myself like this. It’s quite the opposite. I really don’t have a good relationship with myself.
I can’t tell you how happy I was to hear you say, that you knew how strong you are {} xxx You most certainly are, and it’s so important to acknowledge and feel it. I see it for you and for others, but not for myself. There’s a huge gulf.
I was completely wrong about Andy Burnham bringing in PR before the election wasn’t I?!! I’m still naive. We still have a few years. It’s not looking good at the moment, but fingers crossed.
I just saw another study. Long COVID might actually be a different condition to ME/CFS. The study showed that Long COVID is chronic hyper-activation of the immune system, whereas ME/CFS is suppression of the immune system, with immune cell trafficking severely affected.
This is a very complex multi system illness. Like most things, there’s not going to be simple solutions to this one.
It’s 17:49. You must be happily home and enjoying something warm and comforting. Wonderful!! xx Here’s something for you to enjoy together. Ain’t That A Trip by The James Hunter Six featuring Van Morrison, and Hit Or Miss by Bo Diddley. I hope you thoroughly enjoy grooving to them my beautiful sweetheart {} xxx They’re both brilliant.
Take it extra gently my lovely, and enjoy the most beautifully chilled evening, with all your favourite things, your delicious meal and lots of TLC {} xxx
I love you so much and I’m hugging you like the very last time. Rest well, then sleep tight with sweet dreams for me {} xxxx