Döppelgangers…
17th May 2026
Good morning my most beautiful and precious starshine,
How are you my lovely? I hope you slept really well and soundly, and you’re feeling wonderful. I hope you’re enjoying a very lazy morning {} xxx I hoped the sun would stay out for us, and you could go out in it.
I hope you all enjoyed a brilliant evening with Eurovision xx I watched it as well, but I’m suffering extremely badly for it today.
The fluely symptoms are much worse. I’m scared because I’m not coming out of the crash, but I can’t rest properly either. I need distraction, and watching something is giving me that, but it’s making me ill as well. I’m still trying to run away from the pain.
Back to Eurovision. It was great wasn’t it?!! It was brilliant and such a relief that Dara won. I knew someone from Bulgaria, and I imagine they’d be over the moon as well.
Poor Sam (Look Mum No Computer – love the name). His song was fun, but I heard another song of his this morning, and it’s fantastic. It’s called Night Or Day. I think this would’ve done extremely well.
The worst was seeing a clip of Sam sitting on his own this morning, until he was asked to join another country. This should never have happened. The BBC have a responsibility of care, but that seems to have gone out of the window along with everything else, hasn’t it?
I had another shock this morning. I thought Michael Ostrowski and Antoine de Caunes were the same person, with Antoine being a character in Eurotrash. I couldn’t tell them apart, apart from the humour. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t very funny last night, now I know why!!
We all must have doppelgangers. I saw yours in the park before I became completely housebound. He also had a similar coat. That memory’s clear as well.
It’s 12:37 and the sun’s come out again. I hope you will be able to say hello to them, whether it’s with a walk or if you pop out for something. I imagine you will be busy creating culinary magic today. Have lots of rest breaks in between my lovely {} xx
I’m beginning to realise that feeling unlovable is a chore belief of mine. So is being unwanted. I know it stems from my dad and his family, but it’s how I see myself. It comes out with everyone, not just you, although it’s sadly amplified with you.
I see it now, which is the first step. I’m also catching these negative thoughts when they come to mind, and consciously telling myself that they belong with my dad and family.
Liron is right, she said these thoughts are the relationship I have with myself, but it can be broken by being kind to myself. I need to be as kind and compassionate towards myself, as I am towards everyone else. This is hard because I’m breaking a habit of a life time, but hopefully I’ll be able to do it.
Coming back to not being able to ask for help, I know it’s put me in danger, especially when it comes to my health. Having the doctor, that we both know, telling me that I need to see them earlier, says everything.
I wait thinking that my symptoms will go away, but the reason I do this is because I don’t want to ask for help. I feel very uncomfortable asking for it. I guess it’s because I think they wouldn’t want to help me, and that they’d be annoyed with me, in the same way my dad and family were.
It does stem from my childhood, but it’s become a part of me. I think everyone would hate me and be angry with me. I think you do as well, but I’m now stopping that train of thought so that it doesn’t take over, like it did in the past. I’m so, so sorry my lovely. I had no idea {} xxx
I think the positive thing about being self-reliant, is the resourcefulness that’s comes with it. I see it in Liron and I see it in you as well {} xx It is a strength, but I know how difficult it is for me to ask for help when I desperately need it, so it can also harm me.
It’s 13:07. It’s raining. I think today is a day to stay indoors. I hope you don’t need to go out, if you do, then it’s brief xx
It’s 13:13 xx Take the greatest and gentlest care of yourself my beautiful sweetheart. Just more week. I’m counting down the days for you too {} xx
I sadly do need to be quiet this week. With feeling so ill and the blood test tomorrow, it’s going to be a difficult one, especially with therapy on Thursday.
Take it gently and enjoy the most beautiful, delicious and I hope relaxing day, with lots more fabulous music. Give yourself lots of TLC for me {} xxx
I’m going to leave you with two songs from Small Faces. It’s the first time I’ve heard The Autumn Stone. It’s sich a beautiful song. I’ve only heard Paul Weller singing Red Balloon. I didn’t know it’s theirs. It’s brilliant as well. I hope you love them too along with Sam {} xxx
I love you loads, and I’m sending you tons and tons of magical healing and protective love, thoughts, hugs, wishes and kisses. Rest whenever you can my precious starshine {} xxxx