Four Seasons in One Day…
25th March 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine {} xxx
It’s 14:25. It feels like it’s four seasons in one day. I know my eyesight’s not too good, but I swear I saw tiny snow flakes wafting amongst the light rain.
I’ve just had another look, it’s tiny hailstones. In-between the glorious sunshine, rain, wind, light snow and hailstones, the only elements that are missing is thunder and lightening. I know how much you’d love to see them {} xx It’s been a long time since we’ve heard those bolts and seen those sparks…
How are you? I really hope you’re okay my lovely, and you’re having a good day. I imagine you must extremely busy and in great demand. I hope everything’s going well and smoothly, and you’re all very happy {} xxx
I don’t know what’s happening with the plants at the moment. I had to break down Pink Paradise. A huge chunk just snapped off. The whole plant was literally hanging by a fine root. She looked so healthy, but then so did Croton.
I’m hoping that the roots can grow in some soil as well. I’m keeping everything crossed the propagation works, whether it’s in the water or the soil. I hope so. I don’t want to lose her, especially after losing Croton.
It’s 14:55. It’s glorious sunshine once again. Sun wanted to join you with coffee. Thoroughly enjoy their warm and energising company for me too my lovely. They’ll give you lots of hugs and kisses from me as well {} xx
I took these photos when I went to dry my hair. I used the long exposure setting on my phone. The painterly quality surprised me. It was unexpected and very exciting. I desperately needed some magic today.
It’s 18:18. I hope you’re home my lovely. I’m keeping everything crossed there’s no late night this week {} xxx
I needed to have a rest break before I could continue writing to you. I’m feeling very fluey (PEM), but I do need to write.
I don’t know why, but I had a very strong urge to watch the Huw Edward’s docudrama first thing. Thank you so much for telling me not to watch The Reckoning (Jimmy Savile). Yes, it would’ve been extremely triggering for me. Thank you so, so much my beautiful angel {} xxx
I felt shell shocked after watching Power, but I did need to see it. I needed to see how someone’s groomed, the power imbalance, control, the infatalization, ownership, and the damage it does.
My perpetrator did it differently. He was nicer and he showed no emotion with the sexual things. He kept everything under full control. It appeared that there was nothing in it for him. This is the impression he wanted to give. He wanted to make me think I was completely safe. It worked. It worked with the others as well.
In the docudrama, Ryan Davis says that Huw had done so much for him. He felt indebted to him. He couldn’t betray him. This really hit home. This is exactly how I felt with my perpetrator. I felt he did so much for me. I couldn’t let him down. No wonder. This is what they want. Complete loyalty, regardless of what they do.
I’ve only ever felt that way with the perpetrator. Thankfully, no one else. It’s an awful feeling, because I felt that I had to do everything for him to thank him. This is why I ended up sacrificing myself for him. I lost myself. I lost who I really was. My friends, the things I love, the things I wanted to do. My dreams.
I don’t know if I’ve already told you this, he wrote me a letter from prison. It was not long after he was there. He said that I could have his pension while he was in prison. I was so disgusted with him. He thought he could buy me. I’m disgusted that he thought so little of me. He expected me to still be there for him, even though I’d cut all contact with him.
I wrote back and told him not to contact me again. I was in tears as I wrote it. There was still a part of me that felt guilty. I felt like a bad person. That was the hold he had over me.
He thought he owned me. I imagine he felt betrayed by me as well. They just can’t see beyond themselves can they?!!
I remember him saying in the final year, how I was his reward. I thought it was an odd thing to say, but didn’t take much notice. I honestly don’t know how he saw himself. Yes, he was a narcissist.
The other thing that really hit home was that Huw was only interested in his own needs and desires. No care for Ryan. That’s the same with my perpetrator, and I imagine it’s the same with most of them.
I’m not sure whether they think they’ve done anything wrong. I don’t think they do. But they do know it’s wrong in society, otherwise they wouldn’t hide it.
I felt the pain when I read Ryan’s words at the end of the credits, “I chose to tell my story now for the first time so that no one who has been silenced feels they are alone. Your truth matters and it deserves to be heard”
There’s so much shame, guilt, self hate, and self blame when we stay silent. I know it all too well. This really is the first time I’m talking about my perpetrator. I’ve also noticed it’s the first time I’ve said “my” instead of “the”, whilst referring to him. I am connecting…
Seeing how Huw and my perpetrator groom, made me think about gifts again. I am very much like my mum. She always got me a small gift when I was ill, to cheer me up. Other than that, it was to celebrate birthdays and Christmases. This is what I learnt presents are for, to cheer someone up and to celebrate them. Nothing else.
I did so much with my mum. She’d be happy with me when I did something well. We’d both be happy. It was just wonderful learning and playing with her. It was fun. Liron said I was rewarded intrinsically, which is lovely.
Unknowingly, my mum taught me that I didn’t need external rewards. The reward was the enjoyment of doing things. I think this is why I always needed to do something I enjoyed. Money never got a look in; I just needed enough to survive.
It’s 20:52. I imagine your sweet tum is very content, and you’re chilling and relaxing with something wonderful. Rest well my lovely. Just two more days {} xxx
I haven’t eaten yet. It’s too late now, but I will need a little bit of something.
Here’s something for you to go to sleep with. It’s Murphy’s Boogie by Matt Murphy. I hope you enjoy it my precious starshine xx
Snuggle up, and seep well and restfully, with the sweetest of dreams for both of us {} xxx
I’m sending you an infinite amount of magical healing love, humungous bear hugs and kisses. I love you {} xxxx