Gaslighting…
23rd March 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine {} xxx
I’m struggling so badly, both with my symptoms and mentally. I’ve been in a distressed and anxious state since last night. My experience with the dentist has triggered so many things.
I’ve gone from feeling anger and knowing what happened, to thinking, have I got it wrong? Could the laboratory have made the guard shallow on the one side? Is this possible? Despite knowing how moulds work, I was doubting myself. Could my teeth have shifted? What if I’ve got it wrong? I’m a horrendous person if I’ve got it wrong. I can’t cause any harm.
That fear, worry and doubt then overflows into everything else. It flowed into the face cleanser we’re trying to make. It’s the fear of it not working at all. I’m not going to be able to take care of my skin, and everything that it brings, both physically and psychologically.
You sadly come up as well. That you wouldn’t want to know me any more, you would’ve moved on. You’ve already forgotten me and happier without me. I caused too much stress. It would be best not to contact you (I’ll make sure this doesn’t happen, despite my deep fears).
It’s like anything that’s uncertain and unsettling is accompanied by intense fear. Fear and anxiety takes over and I become reactive. I can’t think clearly. My emotions take over. The same narratives go through my head, over and over again. I feel like I’m going insane. I’m in the triggered state…
Liron’s right, the Drill Sargeant/protective voice takes over, and wants to solve the things causing the uncertainty, even if it means going against what’s best for me. It’s about getting away from the perceived danger, and trying to feel safe.
This morning my thoughts shifted onto me. I see how fucked up I am in these moments, and I think it’s best that I’m not with people. I’m too insane and fucked up to be with people. Perhaps this forced isolation is right for me. I shouldn’t even be here. Why do I exist? What’s the point of me? I’m too fucked up to exist. The words that just came to mind is, “I’m just a useless lump of shit”.
This is the mental turmoil I go through every single time. I’m such a mess, and I don’t know how to get out of it. It starts off with someone doing something wrong to me. I get angry, then I start to doubt and gaslight myself. I then put all the blame onto myself and think I’m the problem. I think I’m crazy and a bad person. I think they’ll think I’m crazy and just over reacting. This is what happened at home… I can’t trust myself, my feelings, my reality or my truth.
Liron said, because I wanted to avoid conflict at home, I learnt to be obedient, and that behaviour’s continuing. She’s absolutely right. It’s the only way I could keep myself safe at home, along with being invisible. Despite the danger no longer being here, I’m continuing to do it automatically, and so is my Drill Sergeant.
This is a trauma reaction. I know this but it doesn’t make it easier. I really hate myself at the moment.
To stop the thoughts about the dentist swirling around my head, Liron suggested I wrote down what happened during my appointments with her. Here it is:
20th January 2026
When I came to collect my night guard, you were having some difficulty getting the night guard to fit. You said that they'd made it shallow on the one side (my right sight). You also said that my teeth must have shifted because there was a huge delay in collecting it.
You fitted the night guard and asked if it's okay, to which I said yes. It was on very briefly before being removed. I wasn't shown the night guard, or shown what it looked like in a mirror whilst it was in my mouth.
It was only in the evening when I took it out to wear, that I saw how it really looked. The right side was very shallow. I thought this could be due to the impression that was taken. You never offered this as an explanation of why you were having difficulty getting the night guard to fit my teeth.
It would've been absolutely fine if the issue was the impression. Mistakes naturally happen and it's easy to fix. We could've taken another impression on that day, but you never suggested this either. You also didn't ask me to come back to you if I had any problems with it.
I was shocked and extremely upset that you let me leave with the night guard as it was. I've been wearing night guards for decades, and I've never had any that looked like this. They always covered my teeth on both sides, and fitted snuggly.
I also felt that you might not have been completely honest with me regarding the appearance of it, and why it didn't fit properly. You only brought up the laboratory making it shallow, and how my teeth might've shifted. There was no mention of the impression you took. It was in that moment that my trust in you completely went.
Despite how the night guard looked, I thought it might be okay, so I wore it that night. The right side struggled to stay in place because it was too shallow. My tongue kept getting caught under the inside lip of it, and this caused the guard to lift off. I persisted and slept with it. When I woke up my bottom front teeth were hurting. I know from experience that it meant that it wasn't wearable.
17th March 2026
When I came back to see you in March, I asked if I could speak with you in private, because I didn't want to say how bad the night guard was in front of your colleague. It was out of respect for you.
I told you that I've never had such a bad night guard before. You didn't look at it properly. I put in my mouth to show you how it didn't fit on the right hand side, and again you didn't look at it properly.
You said it was my teeth shifting due to the delay in collecting it, that caused it not to fit. You repeated it a couple of times. That was your only explanation. You didn't say the laboratory made the one side shallow this time.
It felt like you didn't see anything wrong with the night guard itself. It felt quite bizarre. It's visibly clear that it's not right, on and off my teeth. It felt like we were seeing two completely different night guards, and I felt like I was being gaslit.
I've taken photos of the night guard on an old plaster cast of my teeth. It's clearly visible that it's far too shallow on the one side for it to stay in place. I have two other old plaster casts of my teeth, and the new night guard fits those equally well. My teeth haven't really shifted.
I told you that my last night guard also needed to be remade when I got it. It caused the left side of my jaw to ache. My previous dentist knew that it was a struggle getting it on when I collected it. He told me to go back to him if I had problems with it, which I did.
He used a different method to take the second impression, which was the same as yours, and it fit perfectly. We both knew it worked perfectly the previous time. He also sent it to the original laboratory, with the same specs. This is why I asked if you could send it to the same laboratory during this appointment.
During both appointments, you never mentioned that it might be due to the impression you'd taken. To me, when I look at the night guard, it looks like it could be a likely explanation. Again, this isn't a problem at all, and easily fixable. The issue I have is that by not mentioning it at all, I felt you weren't being completely honest with me. You also let me leave with a night guard that was visibility not right.
I am extremely thankful and grateful that you took another impression, and that you're sending it to the laboratory who made my last night guard. Again, this isn't the issue. Complete honesty helps build trust and reassurance, and I feel you weren't able to provide that. With this experience, I feel I can't trust you to take care of my teeth anymore.
After writing it, I realised that these aren’t the ramblings of an insane person. Writing has helped, but it still hasn’t taken away the inner conflict I’m having. I wish I could escape myself.
Again, I completely understand if you don’t want anything to do with me when I do contact you. I honestly do. The words, “I’m not worth knowing” just came to mind, and I feel the intense pain accompanying that thought. How am I going to get out of this mess?!! I really hope I can.