Handwriting is Back…
15th April 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine {} xxx
How are you? I hope you’re keeping really well, and you had a very restful and peaceful night’s sleep. It’s 10:32 and the sun’s finally come out to play. They want to join you with coffee {} xx
I hope everything is going really well and smoothly. I imagine it is. I hope it’s a good busy. There must be a lot of magic in the air. I really hope you’re okay my lovely. I hope so. I also hope it’s not a late night this week {} xxx
Did you know Neil Armstrong spelt backwards is: Gnorts Mr Alien? I imagine you do. It’s the first time I’ve seen it. It made me smile and I thought of you xx
An Urban Dictionary definition of Gnorts is very funny:
“This isn’t just the drugs talking. This is the revelation that the moon is composed of alien snot crystals, and it appears to be the same snot from which originated all life in the galaxy. The truth isn’t what we thought it was. It’s absolutely gnorts.” – by Benjam1 April 27, 2021
Snot reminded me of school. Someone used to put theirs under the desk. It was a growing snot sculpture. I also remember seeing silver snail streaks on jumper sleeves, including my own. Do you remember the silver streaks?
It’s 11:00. You must be getting ready to see coffee with sunshine. Thoroughly enjoy every delicious and energising sip and hug for me too {} xxx
It’s 11:11. Sun must be indoors with you, because it’s gone grey and cloudy over here.
I’m struggling badly with the crash and everything. I feel like I’m falling apart all over again. I can’t seem to function. I’m writing to you, but I’m really struggling with everyone else. I’m an emotional mess when I stop, and it takes so much energy. I feel I can’t cope, and everything’s overwhelming.
Liron reassured me that this is absolutely normal. My brain is constantly working on the therapy. It’s like a computer when it does a back-up. It slows everything else down. She’s absolutely right. This is what I’m experiencing. I hope it doesn’t last for too long.
On a more positive note, I think my handwriting is finally back to normal. It hasn’t felt or looked right since Long COVID. I have a firm grip on the pen, but my writing has been uneven and unsteady. I noticed I could write normally again, when I wrote a card yesterday. I tried again today to test it, and it is back to normal. I can join the letters properly, and the lines are flowing. It’s such a relief. I really hope it lasts.
I compared it with writing I did last year, and even Liron could see the visible difference. I’m wondering if it might’ve been a signalling problem caused by my nerves, or it might’ve been my muscles, perhaps both. I’m sure L-arginine is helping with this. This is the only thing that’s changed. Stress, diet and crashes are all the same.
The tree killers never came to collect our poor Eucalyptus tree. Our landlord has just spoken with Liron. The tree killer told the neighbour that it’s going to cost £200 to remove it, and she’s not going to do it.
This dispute is between our landlord and neighbour. I’ve been calm, but the anger’s there. It infuriates me when people don’t take responsibility for the damage they cause.
We have our inspection in two weeks. If I can, I really do need to stop writing for a while. I know it’s unlikely you’re reading these, but I needed to let you know just in case {} xx
I have my haircut next week, and a telephone appointment with my rheumatologist. I also have the unanswered messages. I can’t do them. With the inspection coming, I will need to help a tiny bit. It feels too much with the crash and the little energy I have. I really hate this illness in these moments.
I need to take care of the plants, and separate the two baby pilieas from their mother as well. They need time to adjust before going to their new home. Something will have to give. This will be showering, hair wash, messages and movies, as well as writing to you.
I really can’t afford the hard crashes anymore, but I don’t know how to stop them, especially with everything that’s coming up.
It is easier speaking with you directly {} I really wish I could. I am consciously trying to change my trauma response. Unknowingly, I have been, and still am, displacing my unresolved feelings from my trauma onto you. It was displacement not projection. It was always displacement during my triggered states with you. I’m so, so sorry my lovely, I truly am {} xxx I had no idea.
When I’m getting into these states now, I’m consciously telling myself that it’s not you. It takes time for the protective/drill sergeant’s voice to calm down, but it’s working. I really hope it gets easier with time, and this is the way I can finally start detaching you from the trauma. I really hope so.
What gives me hope is Alain de Botton saying that those automatic patterns of thoughts from our childhood can be broken, in his Love Is a Skill, Not a Feeling video. Without realising it, I’m doing exactly what he says.
I’m looking at myself, recognising the patterns of my thoughts, and the feelings they bring when I’m triggered. It’s not easy, but I’m consciously telling myself where they’re coming from. I’m telling myself it’s not you. It doesn’t stop the trigger, but it’s working.
This give me hope that I can finally start breaking that destructive, distressing and harmful cycle. It gives me hope that it can help bring safety. I really do need to go through this before I can contact you directly. It’ll make it safe for both of us {} xxx
I really must stop talking now, but I haven’t asked you about Michael Portillo’s railway journey to Japan. Are you watching it? I saw it last night. I’ve always wanted to go to Japan, so it’s fantastic to go there with him. Would you like to go to Japan?
The electric toilets made me smile with the poo analyser, but it would give us vital information. The super high speed maglev train, and how it works using a magnetic field, is amazing isn’t it?!!
I also never knew manga was originally in black and white. Michael’s wonderful moment with Sun Wan Xin, the manga artist, was so lovely. It was interesting when Sun talked about the first manga story she created. It was about erasing traumatic memories and everything associated with it. What are your thoughts about this?
Despite everything I’ve been through, and still going through because of the trauma, I don’t want those memories to be erased. For better or for worse, I’m realising that they’ve shaped who I am as a person. Taking all of it away would leave me quite empty. I’d be unrecognisable. It wouldn’t be me. I just wish my life didn’t end with this illness. It’s put a firm stop to everything.
I really do need to shut up now. It’s 14:59. Coffee will be eagerly waiting for you. Thoroughly enjoy their energising company for me too my lovely xx The weather’s awful now with the rain. I’m keeping everything crossed it stops by the time you leave. Get home safely and quickly {}
Take the greatest and gentlest care of yourself my beautiful sweetheart. Rest whenever you can, and nourish your precious heart and soul with everything you need {} xxx
I love you so much, and I’m sending you tons and tons of magical healing and protective love, bear hugs and kisses. Give yourself lots of love, care and kindness for me {} xxxx
It’s 16:55. The weather really is horrendous. I’m so, so sorry!! I’ve just heard someone honking their horn, and now I hear the rumbling in the sky. I really do hope you miss the worst of it {} xx
When you get home, curl up and get dry, warm and cosy. Medicine will help soothe and comfort you, and so will the magical healing comfort blanket. They’ll give you the biggest hugs filled with love from me too. Rest well my precious starshine {} xxxx
Sun’s come out just for you!!! How wonderful. I told you they love you. They wanted to make sure you got home safely and happily. It’s 17:17. Hug hug, kiss kiss {} xxx
It’s fantastic Erasmus starts next year!! Brilliant news all round!! xx