Hopes and Dreams…
13th May 2026
Good morning my most beautiful and precious starshine,
It’s 08:00. I hope you slept well and very restfully, and you’re okay my lovely. I imagine your nutritious breakfast is giving you a wonderful boost {} xxx It’s such a beautiful morning. Enjoy driving in with sunshine and the gorgeous blooms.
A couple of things have just popped up, and I thought of you {} xxx It was Steve Earl’s 78th birthday yesterday, 12th May. He shares it with Ian Drury, who would’ve been 84.
Here’s The Spencer Davis Group’s brilliant Gimme Some Lovin’. I remember you sending me On the Green Light, on the same day as I heard it for the first time. I remember that wonderful moment clearly xx
Here’s Ian Drury’s fantastic Bus Man’s Prayer. His lines: “And forgive us our Westminsters, As we forgive those who Westminster against us” feels so apt.
U2 shooting the video for Street of Dreams in Mexico City also popped up. You must be so excited about them releasing a new album this year. Perhaps it’ll be in your very special month!! I hope so. They all love you, as do I xx
I hope you enjoy all of them later my bright shining super star {} xxx
I can’t help but think about my dream of doing well creatively, and how I was always so close, but something took me away from it. I initially wanted to design sets and costumes for the theatre. My time at the National Theatre was a brilliant opportunity, but I was slowly starting to recover the memories of the sexual abuse at that time.
I’d only known my perpetrator for a few months, and he convinced me to move back to Brum because I was struggling. I completely trusted him and believed he was thinking of my best interests.
In time, he convinced me to stop working at the theatre and concentrate on painting. I stopped painting for ten years during my time with him. I lost my confidence. I lost myself.
The second chance I had of creativity came when I did the course, but things kept stopping me from reaching Margaret Street. First my knee injury, which was followed by the family member contacting me after over twenty years.
All the things from my past came up, and I needed to work through that. I was in no fit state to finish the degree at Margaret Street.
I thought third year lucky. I felt free of my past, and I was looking forward to starting at Margaret Street. Then COVID-19 hit. I thought I was well enough to go to Margaret Street, but after a couple of weeks, it landed me in bed and stopped my life as I knew it.
Perhaps I was never meant to fulfill my dreams of doing well creativity. They’ve always been halted. Now they’ve been stopped for good. Perhaps that wasn’t my purpose.
Trauma and its consequences, have held me back severely in so many aspects of my life. Perhaps my purpose is to break free from those heavy chains, and have some peace of mind.
Do I have regrets? Of course I do, but at the same time, would the life I hoped for have brought me happiness? I’m not quite sure, because I would have based my happiness on being successful. This doesn’t bring inner security, in fact it brings the opposite. With my unstable foundations, I was just a Jenga block away from completely falling apart.
The therapy work I’m doing at the moment will hopefully built those secure foundations.
Coming back to regrets. I would never have met Liron, you and all my other beautiful and precious friends, if I hadn’t spent those eleven years with the perpetrator. You’re all my family. I would never want to change that.
I always thought doing well creatively would make me happy. It would give me value. I was wrong. It’s love, both giving and recieving.
My passion for creativity is still there, but I don’t feel I need to prove myself. My brief moments with my camera is sheer magic, and I get so excited when I get the unexpected. It’s still there, along with all my other loves.
We never know what someone is truly thinking and feeling. Perhaps some opportunities were never meant to be. Something more important and precious happened instead…{}xxx
It’s 09:14. The clouds came in so quickly didn’t they?! Sun needs a good rest, as do I. I feel as if I’ve been thumped in the chest. I have therapy tomorrow, so I really do need to completely rest.
I feel so upset about not being able to write to everyone. It’s so difficult. I need more energy. Emotions take a hell of a lot of energy, which I don’t have.
I need to get back to where I was, before all the hospital appointments last year. I really hope I can.
I hope it’s not too full on today, and I’m keeping everything crossed there’s no late night this week.
Please take the greatest and gentlest care of yourself my precious sweetheart, and have a wonderful day {} xx Coffee will give you lots of warm hugs and kisses from me too. It does feel colder. I hope you’re keeping warm {}
I love you and I’m sending you tons and tons of love, with the biggest and tightest of magical healing and protective bear hugs and kisses {} xxxx It’s 10:10 xx