I Needed Him…
12th March 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
The weather’s horrendous, but I’m so relieved the rain’s stopped for you. I hoped the wind would as well. I’m keeping everything crossed it stays dry until you reach home. It’s 17:17. I hope you’ll be escaping very soon. Get home safely my lovely {} xxx
I saw Villa are playing at 17:45. I’m keeping everything crossed there’ll be cheers and celebrations xx I used to have a friend from Lille.
I really hope you’re feeling okay, and you’re not too exhausted. I hope you’ve had a really good day. Have a wonderful rest tonight {} xx
I’m completely drained after therapy. It was a heavy session. My brain is struggling, but I needed to write to you. I will completely switch off and rest after I send this to you.
It’s the very first time I told my therapist that I needed my dad after my mum died. I felt the raw pain as I said it. I needed him as much as he needed my mum, but he was so consumed by his own pain and grief, that he was oblivious to mine.
I felt responsible for him. I think my therapist is right, perhaps unconsciously, I felt caring for him would mean he’d care for me as well. I hoped it would be like it was with my mum. But this didn’t happen.
I honestly thought he’d change after my mum died. I thought that he would love me because I was a part of my mum, but he never could.
I told my therapist how Heathcliff’s rage, turmoil and obsession, reminded me of my dad. The other thing that came to mind is that my dad is still haunted by my mum. I’d say in the same way Heathcliff was by Cathy.
When I went to see him with Liron, he said that it was my mum putting the thoughts into my head, about me being sexually abused by him. I think he genuinely thought that. She still haunts him. He doesn’t have peace of mind.
The fact that he chose a close replica of my mum is telling, but they are two very different personalities.
Liron and I saw the turmoil in him. I genuinely felt sorry for him. I didn’t have the memory of him raping me at fourteen, at that time.
It’s so hard. I’ve learnt and realised so much over the last year, and once you know something, you can’t unknow it.
I really wish I didn’t know he was tormented by his upbringing and by the loss of my mum. He too is suffering from trauma, in the same way as I am. Again, the only difference is he’s externalised it and I’ve internalised it, but we’re both equally wounded.
I wish I didn’t know what I know, because it would make it easier for me to feel angry with him. Feeling empathy for him makes it conflicting. It’s just as painful for me to see and know his pain, as it is to feel my own.
It’s also conflicting because, how could I need someone who’s as unloving, volatile and violent as he his? I desperately needed him, and I longed for him to love me and take care me. I needed him to treat me like my mum did. I needed a father.
There’s so much to work through. I’m just beginning. As much as I miss you, the only thing that gives me comfort is knowing that you’re safe away from all of this. It would’ve spilt over. I know this.
I also know that I might’ve lost you completely after March, but it couldn’t have been any other way. It would’ve been horrendous and harmful for both of us. I couldn’t inflict that on you, and that was with what I knew then. I had no idea that all of this was erupting in March. Probably a good thing.
I’m still hoping that there might be a glimmer of a chance with our precious friendship, but I honestly understand if not {} xxx
It’s 18:02. The wind is still blustering. I really do hope you’re home, or almost home. I hope there’s a cancellation if it’s a late night. It’s starting to rain again. I’m so, so sorry my lovely {}
When you get home, get dry, warm and cosy with something comforting. Medicine will be delighted to help. I hope it doesn’t take long to get everything done, then you can fully settle in for the night.
Here’s something just for you. I thought of you the moment I heard it. It’s Jolene as we’ve never heard it, by Parlor Green. It’s fantastic. I hope you love it too my precious sweetheart {} xxx I think Dolly would as well. I can also imagine you playing it. You’d play it brilliantly!! xx
I don’t think I’ve told you this. I do love Dolly Parton. She has such a beautiful soul. In that respect Keanu and Dolly are very much alike. We need more people like them.
It is crying heavily now. I really do hope you’re home. My heart’s with you. The magic comfort blanket will soak up all the tears with their healing love, hugs and kisses {} xxx
It’s 18:18. Snuggle up my lovely, and enjoy the most beautiful, heart warming and relaxing evening for me too. Enjoy your heavenly meal and all the other delights {} xxx
I’m sending you tons and tons more love, with humungous bear hugs and kisses. Rest well my precious starshine, then sleep well and peacefully, with sweet dreams for me. I hope it’s not long until I see you again. Hug, hug. Kiss, kiss {} xxxx
It’s 20:11. Just saw the score. They must be over the moon!! I’m so happy for you!! Enjoy a fabulous and fun evening together {} xxx