It’s Sort of Okay but Not…
21st August 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
How are you? I really do hope you’re okay my lovely. If you’re back, then I hope it’s a gentle start, but if you’re home, I hope you’re thoroughly enjoyed the cricket. I hope everything is okay and you’re having wonderful day {} xxx
It’s 14:41 xx
I’m not too good. It was extremely difficult speaking with my therapist. She was so lovely. What happened at the end wasn’t intentional. It sadly appeared that way with everything that happened during the session.
There was an emergency. She was going to tell me at the beginning of the session but didn’t get a chance to. She would’ve been struggling that day as well. I really do feel for her and completely understand.
She didn’t betray me that day. It sadly was a mistake. What happened during the session wasn’t intended either. She didn’t realise she was telling me the things about myself as a fact, but she sadly did. Again, she was struggling herself that day.
We’re human and we make mistakes, especially when we’re under immense stress, pressure and worry. It would be different if this was a one off, but it hasn’t been right for eighteen months. I understand why now, but she kindly agreed that with her being my therapist, it was her responsibility.
I needed to bring up my concerns and needs much earlier, before it reached breaking point. But I didn’t think I could. Again, this is because of my childhood experiences. I dismissed my feelings and needs, and I only thought about the other person.
We needed to talk at least a year ago. It would’ve helped prevent what happened at the end. It would have helped keep me safe and the trust intact.
It feels like a mess. Relationships with therapist are different to friends and family, so this sadly couldn’t be worked on. My therapist thanked me for my feedback. Again, she wouldn’t have been aware of the impact everything was having on me. I desperately needed her therapeutic help but couldn’t ask.
With long absences in emergencies, I suggested writing an email to everyone as soon as she knows, before the sessions. She doesn’t need to give any details, just that she’s had an emergency and will be unavailable. This way we’re informed, and it helps with the abandonment issues some of us may have. Me thinking that she might be testing me was not a good sign. The trust had gone.
I also suggested asking clients lots and lots of questions, so that she has a full picture which helps prevent harmful assumptions.
She kindly said that me being able to speak up is a testament to the progress I’ve made. This was about keeping myself safe. She’s absolutely right, but I just wish I didn’t have to have that difficult conversation with her.
I’m crying as I write this. I will miss her. There are moments where I think perhaps, we could try again, but I feel she wouldn’t be able to help me with what I need. That trust sadly went. It’s just so sad. I wish it didn’t end like this, but it couldn’t continue either. It unintentionally became harmful.
I did write to her today because we ran out of time. We actually went overtime. I just needed to give her some reassurance as well and thank her for the help she has given me. It has been invaluable, and I’ll be eternally grateful and thankful to her for it.
It’s 15:15. I have changed over the last eighteen months, and this part is really thanks to you. Thank you so, so much my precious angel {} xxx It’s after what happened in November. I’m feeling. I’m feeling upset about what happened, and how it ended with my therapist. I’m crying. I feel the pain.
In the past, I would keep myself busy and I did my best not to think about it. I would shut down and as a consequence didn’t process it. But it did resurface in other ways, out of the blue.
Again, I really do feel for my therapist, and I completely understand and empathise. I just wish we’d spoken last year at the latest. I will miss her. I really will.
I needed to switch off for a bit, and I watched a film called Sunlight. I think you’d enjoy it. It’s on prime. It’s a dark comedy, quirky and quite moving as well. It’s an unexpected gem.
It was World Photography Day on the 19th of August. This is a wonderful interview with David Bailey, talking about Man Ray and Bill Brandt, and the magic they created with photography. I hope you enjoy it as well my lovely {} xx
It is the unexpected magic that we capture with the camera, that always amazes and excites me. I took these photos on Sunday. The first was completely unexpected. The white flowerpot helped created the hazy glow.
It’s 16:16 xx
It’s 16:35. The sun’s come out just for you xx If you weren’t able to see the cricket earlier, thoroughly enjoy the highlights later. I imagine you’ll be loving every minute of Miles Davis at the Proms as well. Brilliant!! Love it for me too along with totp {} xx
When everything is done, get nice and comfy, and settle in for a beautifully chilled evening with lots of music, wonder and magic {} xxx
I love you so much, and sending all my love with the biggest and tightest of magical healing bear hugs, filled with kisses. Rest well my lovely {} xxxx
I was speaking to you in my head, and then I scrolled to be greeted by More Than This. It made me cry all over again, and I hugged you tightly through the phone as I listened to it {} I miss you so much!! I’m hugging you tightly through my phone {} xxx
It’s 19:19 xx Please give yourself lots of love, care and kindness for me {} xx