Learning to Feel…
17th June 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
It’s 15:59. How are you? I really do hope you’re okay my lovely, and you’re having a really good day. I hope it’s zooming by and you can leave at your normal time. 8 hope so {} xxx
I imagine you will be feeling drained with it being so intense. I’m so, so sorry {} I’m keeping everything crossed you can completely switch off and rest properly in the evenings, and you’re sleeping well.
I am struggling this time. It’s the first time I feel extremely sad with Liron not being here. I felt like a child before she left for the airport yesterday. I felt like that nine year old that’s being left behind.
It’s clear that I went into survival mode before. I pushed those feelings aside and kept myself busy. I did it so automatically that I didn’t even feel it. I thought I was okay and doing well…
Thanks to a conversation with Liron, I just realised, if I don’t allow myself to feel, then how can I learn to self sooth and regulate those feelings. The other thing is, if I push those feelings away and try to run away from them, then they’ll come out in other ways. There’s no way of escaping them. I need to feel. I am learning.
I do miss Liron greatly, but I know she’ll be home next week. I miss you too, with all my heart {} xxx
I do feel the isolation as well. There’s no escaping it, especially when I don’t have the energy. On the plus side, I’m not pushing myself, which means I’m not heading for a hard crash when Liron returns. Fingers crossed.
It’s 16:16 xx I just saw the cricket’s on. Brilliant!! I hope they’ll still be playing when you get home, and you can thoroughly enjoy it!! I’m so happy and excited for you. Thoroughly enjoy it for me too my lovely. Sun’s trying to come out for you as well. Fingers crossed. I really wish I could speak with you {} xxx
I wanted to tell you about the movie Queer the other day. I remember it having great reviews when it was released. Daniel Craig’s in it and I thought of you xx He’s a brilliant actor, isn’t he?!!
The film’s fantastic and utterly heartbreaking. Daniel Craig is an American living in Mexico. He has a drug and alcohol addiction, and he falls in love with a young man, Drew Starkey, who’s feelings aren’t mutually reciprocated. Their relationship’s quite unbalanced.
They go in search of the psychotropic yagé plant, which Craig believed will help him communicate telepathically. On their journey, he’s told by a local that it’s not really for telepathy, it’s a mirror.
He finds the doctor, Lesley Manville, who gives them the yagé medicine. She’s completely unrecognisable in this role, and she’s absolutely brilliant as well. Both Daniel and Drew take the psychotropic yagé mixture. It is a mirror, and they face themselves, who they really are and their feelings. Drew admits that he’s not queer. They part company after this experience.
Daniel had been running away from himself, who he really is, with the alcohol and drugs. He was desperate for connection, as we all are. He returns a different person after a couple of years. He was facing his demons and his feelings, and was no longer running away from them. This clarity brings a lot of grief as well. He was feeling everything.
The heartbreaking tragedy was that he continued grieving for Drew, until he died. He died completely alone. It’s a brilliant film about identity, self-loathing, connection, and facing our true selves. No more running. Lesley tells Daniel and Drew that once that door is opened, you can’t shut it and go back. She’s absolutely right, we can’t. I can’t.
The cinematography is absolutely stunning. It has a dreamlike feel. There were many surreal moments, which reminded me of David Lynch. Luca Guadagnino, the director, was inspired by The Red Shoes. It does have the feverish feel to it, as well as the rich colours.
Here’s Prince with Musicology and Puzzle by Verdena, from the movie just for you. I hope you enjoy them my beautiful sweetheart {} xxx
This Ted Talk by Johann Hari – Everything You Think You Know About Addiction Is Wrong, is very interesting and thought provoking. He says that addiction is not about addiction, it’s about not having connection.
Johann Hari talks about an experiment where they put a rat in a cage, with a bottle of water and a bottle of water laced with drugs. The rat always goes to the drug water and dies of an overdose.
Another rat is given a playground of things to play with, things to eat, and friends to meet. The rat in the rat park doesn’t use the drug water compulsively, unlike the alone rat. They don’t become addicted to it because they have connection with their environment.
I know I’ve always been in my cage because of my trauma. I also know that I have a very addictive personality. I’m thankful it’s never been drugs or alcohol, but it’s been all the things I love, such as food, music, the arts. Alcohol is there too, but thankfully in moderation. They’re all the things I escape with, to make me feel happy. They are my drugs.
Yes, we all need connection in all its forms, but I also feel that trauma does need to be addressed as well, so that we can form healthier connections. I know from experience that healthy connections can help us to heal as well. They all work symbiotically.
It’s 20:20. I imagine you’ve enjoyed something heavenly for dinner, and you’re happily chilling now. Rest, rest, and rest my lovely. I really do hope you’re okay, and you loved the cricket when you got home {} xx
When it’s time to say Nnight to the world, sleep well, sleep restfully and peacefully, with the sweetest dreams for both of us {} xxx
I love so much, and I’m hugging you tightly through my phone. Please give yourself lots of love, care and kindness for me. Hug, hug. Kiss, kiss {} xxxx
I keep forgetting. It’s so sad we won’t see the Doctor this year. It’s going be years isn’t it? They will return. Can’t wait, and I imagine you’ll be feeling the same as well xx
I’ve just put on Paul Weller’s 66 album. It’s been a while since I heard it. Still no land in sight… I miss you {} xxx
It’s 21:42. I forgot just how reflective 66 is. Despite its beauty and glimmers of hope, it does make me feel sad. I feel! I connect. It’s like hearing it for the first time.
Here’s In Full Flight just for you {} xxx
I imagine the World Cup’s on with England vs Croatia. I hope they’ll be happily celebrating later. If you’re playing, play your gorgeous heart out for me as well xx
Nnight, sleep well and dream sweet dreams my precious starshine {} xxx