Musings…
29th August 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
It’s 16:16 xx How are you my loveliest lovely? I hope you’re okay, and despite the gloom outside, you’re enjoying a very chilled and relaxing day. I really hope you’re busy doing nothing {} xxx
I hope you’re thoroughly enjoying the England vs Pakistan cricket match. I just realised the rugby international is on as well. I know you’ll be loving every thrilling moment, regardless of whichever you’re watching. Are you switching between the two? You are amazing at multi-tasking. I hope medicine’s holding your hand as well my lovely {} xx
Saint Emilion’s joined me with Sam and Al. Quantum Leap’s just as brilliant as I remember. I think you’d love revisiting them as well. Al’s so cheeky, and he has only one thing on his mind. But there are surprising and sweet moments, like when he’s helping to look after a young girl, who can see him and Sam as they really are.
I’m so happy I can watch more now without it making me too ill. It does help me escape. I do need it. We all do.
There’s an episode where Sam’s a DJ. It’s so wonderful he loved it. He’s so happy and free in this episode. He said “it’s a license to play”. We should never need a license to play and have fun. We shouldn’t need a license to be ourselves.
This is probably a silly question, but have you ever been a DJ? Did you ever want to try? I think you’d be brilliant, especially with your brilliant, broad and diverse music taste. I’d happily listen!
It’s always so easy speaking with you {} xxx I am in a much better state than I was when we last spoke. I just wish I didn’t miss you as much as I do. I think this will always be there. How could it not be? You always will be incredibly precious to me.
Again, I do hope there’s glimmer of a chance of resuming our precious friendship {}
My experience with my therapist has made me realise that the person doesn’t need to be horrible for it to become harmful. Up until now the toxic ones really have been toxic.
I think me ignoring the warning signs, and dismissing my own feelings and needs, adds to this as well; along with struggling with any form of confrontation.
Confrontation is something I’ve avoided in the past. I’d run away. I was too scared. I didn’t know what else to do. I thought I’d be in danger. I ran away from home, but this was necessary for my survival. I had no choice. Up until meeting Liron, this is all I knew.
I’m realising that it’s so easy to get into harmful relationships unintentionally, as I did with my therapist. She’s not a bad person. It wasn’t intentional. She was doing what she knew. What she was convinced of.
Things aren’t black and white, are they?!! It would be so much easier if they were.
I never realised just how harmful some of my automatic thoughts and behaviours are to me. They do make me vulnerable and susceptible to abuse. This really has been a wake-up call.
I do need to change and manage them, but I don’t want to change who I truly am. People like mum and Dolly, show me that we can still be loving, open, compassionate and kind, without putting up with crap, thus keeping ourselves safe.
You really did do the right thing in November and the following year. I didn’t see it then, but I do now. You kept us both safe. I thank you with all my heart for this {} xxx
It’s 17:17 xx I’m going to shut up now!! I do feel drunk. I think wine now affects my system much more than gin, but I do love wine a bit more than gin! Sorry gin!! It’s sod’s law, isn’t it?!
I hope your precious heart’s bursting with love, joy and excitement right now xx I do love you, and that love and care will never diminish {} xxx
I’m going back to Sam and Al now. You enjoy the most fabulous, fun and restful evening. Please give yourself lots of love, care, pampering and kindness for me too {} xxx
Do you think we choose who we love? I’m not quite sure, but I don’t think it really matters. The most important thing is to be able to love. I’m so thankful that my traumatic experiences haven’t robbed me of that.
I can still love fully and unashamedly. I thank my mum for this. She showed what it is to love unconditionally. I also thank this illness; never thought I would.
I also thank you for breaking down all of my walls and barriers, and making me feel fully – the good, the bad and the downright ugly. I say this with a huge smile {} xxx
Please enjoy the most fabulous, joyous, delicious and restful evening my lovely. Thoroughly enjoy playing your gorgeous heart and soul out for me as well xx
I love you so much, and I’m hugging you with all my heart and soul {} xxxx
I’m leaving with J.Bernardt’s Love Is On My Mind. I hope you enjoy it my precious starshine. Play and rest well {} xxx