Needing People…
4th June 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine {} xxx
I’m keeping everything crossed you didn’t have a late night this week. Just one more day. How are you? I really do hope you’re okay my lovely, and you’re having a wonderful week. I know you’ll be super busy and doing the arduous work now. I hope coffee’s taking good care of you, and you’re getting plenty of rest in the evenings. Please do {} xxx
It’s 20:03. I hope everything is done now, and you can completely switch off and relax. I hope your sweet tum is very happy, or will be very any minute now xx
It’s been an extremely difficult day emotionally. After therapy, the first and only song that popped up on my feed was ELO’s Telephone Line. It reminded me of you, which gave me great comfort {} xxx
I just had some of the very special Francesco 10 Year Tawny Port. I think tawny owl would love it as well. It’s quite sweet, just like a dessert. A tiny bit of dark chocolate really brings out the apple flavour at the end. It’s so delicious.
I couldn’t help but think of the Refreshers sour apple chewy strips. Did you have them? Did you enjoy them? I loved them. They were mouthwatering.
It’s 20:20. I had the energy to have a wonderful call with a very dear friend yesterday. The gardener, who came to clear the tree and sort the hedge, reminded me of them yesterday morning. It’s been such a long time since we spoke. Yes, it doesn’t matter how much time passes, it’s absolutely fine. The connection remains, as well as the love and care.
They sent me photos and a video from the holiday they’re on. It was so beautiful seeing them both, and I cried when I saw a video of one of them. I miss them with all my heart. I miss everyone with all my heart.
I haven’t really allowed myself to feel this grief. I always felt it was too much to feel, so I pushed it away. I tried not to think about it. I remember telling you this…
I had therapy today and it’s the first time I was lost for words, but boy did I feel. It’s the first time I didn’t speak very much. I was in pain and tears for much of it.
It is extremely difficult for me to need someone. It terrifies me. I’ve been so independent and self-reliant for much of my life. I didn’t expect anyone to stay in my life. Again, since my mum, the only people I’ve allowed myself to need is you and Liron. The other person was the perpetrator, but that was an unbalanced and controlling relationship, so it’s different.
I do need connection. I’m human. We all need connection. Gosh, I’m finally human!!
Being stuck in this body and losing my independence adds another layer of stuckedupness. In some ways I feel as if I’ve come full circle. I still feel the aloneness even though I’m not. I have so much love around me, but I sadly can’t have the contact I’d like and need. This illness doesn’t allow it. I’m back to feeling isolated. I’m back to feeling alone.
During therapy, everything was getting muddled with my past, including these lyrics from Small Town Boy: “pushed around and kicked around, always a lonely boy”. In some ways, the imminent danger has gone, but I’ve come full circle with this illness because of the isolation.
My fear is what’s happening in the outside world. Farage isn’t even in power and look at the harm he’s causing. My fear for Liron’s safety and well-being is there. I’m not scared for my safety. I’m no longer scared dying. I don’t fear it.
My dear friend recommended Baby Reindeer. I didn’t tell him about therapy. It didn’t come to mind, so he was completely unaware of how it might affect me. When it was released, I only heard that it’s about someone being stalked, nothing more.
I’ve just seen the fourth episode and I was completely shocked, but at the same time, I can absolutely relate to Donny. Unlike him, I completely abstained. I feared sex. But for both of us, it left us feeling confused and needing some sort of control over our bodies.
I feel the core of the story is when it all started. Martha sexually assaulted him as well, but it’s when he was first drug raped that changed his life forever. It led to Martha. It led to him not having any boundaries. It left him feeling isolated and alone, not being able to fully connect with people. It affected his relationships. He was driven by the shame and fear caused by the trauma, in the same way I was. In the same way I still am.
I know I have the violence and the verbal abuse from my dad as well, but it still leaves you with the same feelings. Donny’s right, you feel like a fraud as well. That darkness, shame, confusion and fear is something we try to hide and run away from, but it overflows unconsciously into everything. It makes everything a million times worse.
Unlike Donny, I blocked the memories as a child and teen. By doing this, it did help me survive. I’ve been so angry at myself for blocking it, but now I’m so thankful to my child for doing that. She was incredibly brave and resistant.
Facing the trauma and ourselves is the hardest thing. I completely understood why it was so difficult for Donny to go to the police, to report Martha stalking and abusing him. As he said, “I just couldn’t understand the irony of reporting her but not him (the writer who drug raped him). There was always the sense that she was ill, that she couldn’t help it, whereas he was a pernicious, manipulative groomer. To admit to her was to admit to him. And I hadn’t admitted him to anyone yet.”
Until now, I kept my perpetrator at bay mentally. He was the groomer in Donny’s words, and Martha my dad. It’s only now the the two of them are in a sense one. They are alike. Just like Donny, one happened because of the other. Facing my perpetrator means facing my dad as well. I’ve feared both.
Have you seen Baby Reindeer? I imagine if you have, you would’ve advised against me watching it. Thank you so much my beautiful angel {} xxx
I feel I do need to see it though. It helps me understand. It helps me understand myself. I have been raped. Of course I have. I wouldn’t know and have this visceral reaction if I hadn’t. It’s not something that can be imagined. It’s not something that can be felt in every part of the body…
Richard Gadd is incredibly brave and strong to write and star in his series. He was putting himself through the trauma again, but at the same time, I imagine it was extremely cathartic for him, and vital for his healing process. He brought his abuse and shame out into the open. I imagine it no longer has the same power over him. I hope so. I fully understand. It’s the shame and self blame that silences survivors. It’s important to break that silence.
It’s 22:47. I hope you’ve enjoyed very a beautiful and restful evening, nourishing your precious heart xx
You must be getting ready to say Nnight to the world xx Sleep well, sleep restfully and peaceful my lovely, and dream sweet dreams for both of us. I love you and I’m hugging you extremely tightly {} xxxx
Here’s The Renegades Matelot for you to go to sleep with. I hope you enjoy it my precious angel {} xxx
5th June 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine {} xxx
This is the scene where Donny breaks down on stage, and discloses the abuse for the very first time, how it’s affected him, and how he truly feels. It’s incredibly powerful and gut-wrenching. It’s brought me to tears. I could feel his pain, and I could feel my own. Again, I completely understand, and I now understand that the self-hatred comes with the abuse.
My self-hatred was also reinforced with how my dad, and his side of the family, treated me, how they saw me, and how they made me feel. I was worthless, ugly and completely unlovable. None of it was my fault. Incredibly brave Donny/Richard has helped me see this a bit more clearly.
I’m still feeling shell shocked. It’s a brilliant series, and an incredibly powerful and harrowing story that needed to be told.
It’s now 14:56. You haven’t got long to go now my lovely. I really do hope you’re feeling okay, and not too shattered. Sun’s waiting to take you home. But first, thoroughly enjoy your second meeting with coffee for me too xx
Get home quickly and safely, and enjoy the most gorgeous and chilled evening, with your scrumptious meal and all the fabulous music {} xxx
I’m sending you tons and tons of love, with the biggest and tightest of magical healing and comforting bear hugs, and sunshine kisses. Take it gently and rest well my lovely {} xxxx