Poop Poop!! With Toad…
19th August 2026
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
It’s 18:24. I hope you’ll soon be settling in for a very sunny and chilled evening. I hope you’re enjoying a gorgeous day {} xxx
My day started with Boom Boom!! from Basil, and it’s ended with Poop Poop!! from Toad. Did you watch the original Wind in the Willows film when you were young? They have the full film here on YouTube. The stop motion animation is just fantastic. I watched it so many times as a child. I still remember the music.
It was wonderful seeing Mole, Ratty, Badger and Toad again. Toad is hilarious and very naughty. I recognised David Jason’s voice with one of the weasels, but it’s only at the end that I realised he was Toad’s voice as well. No wonder he was so cheeky.
I still haven’t made the notes for therapy. I started feeling nervous and scared about speaking with her. I do find it extremely difficult standing up for myself, but I need to do it.
I got an email from a very dear friend. I promised to write to them by the beginning of this year, but with everything that came up, me breaking down, and struggling with my brain and energy, I just haven’t been well enough. Writing to others has been incredibly difficult this year, and almost impossible.
I’ve written to my dear friend so many times in my head, as I do with everyone. I will hopefully write to them by the end of the weekend.
They did make me cry. They invited me to their brilliant exhibition next Friday. I’d do anything to be able to go. I’d love to see them and be blown away by their amazing work. They do know and understand how brutal this illness is, especially when it’s severe. I wish I wasn’t so ill. I miss them and everyone else with all my heart. I really do. I miss you the most {} xxx
Feeling this pain brought me back to my therapist, and my anger resurfaced again. It’s been dormant for a while. I feel angry at her for saying that the melancholy she sees in my photos, is all to do with my childhood trauma, and me not wanting to let go of it. She fails to acknowledge that this illness and the nature of it, would be the cause of it as well. How can it not be?! I’m living through it.
From how many others with Long COVID and ME/CFS speak, the grief will always be there. We lose almost everything, and then there’s the isolation, missing our loved ones and so much more. What does she expect from me?!! She’s a therapist who works with trauma, so she’s supposed to have some understanding about the psychological effects of chronic illnesses, especially when it’s severe.
There’s a poem by Whitney Dafoe, called From Nothingness. Whitney’s had ME/CFS since 2004, and has been completely bedbound since 2013. His raw and very powerful poem popped up a few days after the solar eclipse. It describes exactly what I captured with Solitude and Forlorn. His words describe exactly how I and millions of others around the world feel with this illness.
It’s 20:16. I’m not going to make that list tonight, am I? I’ll do it first thing. I just hope my therapist doesn’t cancel or bring the appointment time forward.
I needed to write to you. I wish I could speak with you {} xx I’m starting to feel ill and fluey, so I need to completely stop now.
It’s 20:20 xx Rest well my lovely, and thoroughly enjoy the rest of your evening with lots of magic and wonder. Then sleep well and blissfully, with the sweetest of dreams for both of us {} xxx
I’m hugging you with all my heart. I hope you can feel it. Hug hug. Kiss kiss {} xxxx