Repeating Harmful Patterns…
23rd August 2026
Good morning my most beautiful and precious starshine,
It’s 07:48. I hope you slept soundly and restfully, and you’re feeling wonderful. Slowly wake up with sunshine, and enjoy a very gentle morning {} xxx
Liron helped point something out to me last night, regarding my behaviours, and she’s absolutely right. I’ve been thinking only about the therapist since Thursday, and her feelings. She said it’s clear with how I’d written to her, and that I’m out of the picture.
Those brief moments of thinking about trying again were wrong. What happened still stands, and it seems I completely forget that. I have been dealing with everything on my own for the last eighteen months. I mustn’t ignore that she wasn’t able to help when I desperately needed it.
The last session was very harmful for me, and it could’ve caused lasting harm if I didn’t have Liron to speak with. She helped me see it objectively. Another trauma response is doubting myself and convincing myself that it’s okay, even when it’s not.
Liron reminded me that there will be pain that she couldn’t help me for all that time; pain with what happened at the end, and how it left me feeling. It wasn’t intentional, but she was my therapist, and she didn’t ensure my safety.
Liron’s absolutely right, I haven’t processed it emotionally, just logically. Me desperately waiting for her to help me, in the same way I was desperately waiting for my dad to show his care, speaks volumes. She was my therapist, and it was her responsibility to help me.
The terrifying thing is, I’m still susceptible to toxic/abusive relationships. It almost happened with the friend who betrayed me. It was at the early stages with her trying to control me. I noticed and spoke with her, hoping to work it out. She thankfully ended it but then put all the blame onto me.
My therapist didn’t do that at all. She was extremely lovely, understanding, took on board what I said and is reflecting on it. Again, she does care deeply about what she does and her clients. But it still doesn’t take away everything that happened, and how it wasn’t right for me.
It’s 08:08 xx
It pains me to say this, but with this in mind, you did the right thing in ending it in November. With my state of mind and how I was, I would be repeating the same behavioural patterns with you.
I would’ve only thought about you, your feelings and your needs. I would’ve done everything I possibly could to help you, and do what you wanted, but in the process, I’d completely forget about myself, my feelings and my needs. I’d be too worried and scared about not upsetting you. I would’ve been in the full fawn/pleasing state, and I would’ve completely lost myself in a very harmful way.
It would’ve become toxic for both of us, but especially for me. I know this is not what you would’ve wanted either. It’s the last thing either of us want, but what happened at the very end would have led to it. I wouldn’t have been able to speak with you freely, openly and honestly, as I always did. I would’ve been too scared of upsetting you.
By you putting that stop before it had a chance of happening, ensured that it didn’t. It’s been excruciatingly painful and difficult without you, but it’s helped keep us both safe. Thank you so, so much {}
I do need to change these behaviours that are very harmful, as well as managing my triggers, so that they don’t completely take over. This way, if there’s any chance of resuming our precious friendship, it will be safe and healthy for both of us.
I need to know myself, feel secure within myself, see my self-worth and be comfortable with who I am.
I was right in March 2025, when I wrote that the same patterns would be repeated, and the safety and trust for both of us would slowly erode and break. I never ever want to put us through that, and everything it brings.
Our friendship was and is very precious, positive and healthy. I feel it would be healthier and more positive, by the time I’m well enough to ask you the same question you asked me. Again, I completely understand if you don’t want to {} xxx
I’m so thankful that I met Liron and no one else. I’m completely safe with her. The scary thing is, it’s very likely I would’ve gotten into another abusive relationship. I almost did with my friend.
It’s so easy for this to happen, even for those who’ve never had an abusive relationship, but with my predisposed tendencies, it’s a given. They are soul destroying and completely mess you up. I’ve been incredibly lucky with all of you.
You did help keep me safe, not just in November, but during that year as well. I thank you with all my heart and soul my precious angel {} xxx
The thing is, our souls do know what they need before we do. Again, so much we do is unconscious. I see it so clearly when I look back over the last twenty-one months.
Things pop up or I’m drawn to something, when I’m at that particular stage. When I need to look at that particular thing. It’s perfectly timed. Being drawn to re-watch Ugly Betty, was about seeing her grow and transform.
It happened again the other night, with something I’ve never heard of, but it popped up at the right time. It’s a brilliant documentary called Rita Moreno: Just a Girl Who Decided to Go for It. I’ve seen Rita in a few movies when I was young, but I knew nothing about her or her life. She’s a remarkable woman.
It’s 09:09 xx
It’s horrendous what Rita went through, but she freed herself from her trauma at the end. She’s finally free and happy with herself. She knows her self-worth and is thriving even more now, at eighty-seven (her age in the documentary). I love her beautiful soul and spirit.
I do feel I am at that final stage. It is about me now; changing and letting go of the thoughts and behaviours that are harmful for me. I need to be able to treat myself as I treat others.
It’s 09:16. Thoroughly enjoy your special breakfast with sunshine. Today looks perfect for a magical walk. If you go, love every beautiful moment for me too xx
I’m going to make face, teeth and tum happy now.
Please take the greatest and gentlest care of yourself my lovely. Have the most gorgeous, sunny and restful day for me, and enjoy creating lots of delicious magic for me as well. I hope you don’t finish too late {} xxx
I love you, and I thank you again with all my heart and soul for keeping me safe. I’m hugging you with all my love and might {} xxxx
My harmful behaviours developed at home to help keep me safe, but I’m still doing it even though the threat and danger have gone. They’re not needed anymore. I know this in my head, but my heart needs to know it as well.
