The Dark Side of Me…
4th April 2026
Good morning my most beautiful and precious starshine,
It’s 07:14. How are you? I hope you’re okay my lovely, and you had a very restful night’s sleep, with the sweetest of dreams. Enjoy slowly waking up {} xxx
I didn’t know The Young Offenders started last night. The whole series is on iPlayer so I thought it’d started a while ago. If you watched it last night, I hope you enjoyed it xx They are funny, and so was Have I Got News for You. If you watched The Cure at the BBC instead, I imagine they were brilliant and you loved them xx
I saw the magnificent photos of Earth first thing. They’re absolutely stunning aren’t they?!! I love the shot Reid Wiseman took from their window. It looks like Earth’s peering in.
I never knew that the divide between night and day is called the terminator. Would it be the same for moon as well?
It feels like a Sunday today. Yesterday threw me with it feeling like a Saturday. How will your day be? I imagine you will be busy. Take everything at a gentle pace my lovely, with lots of relaxing breaks with coffee {} xx
Yesterday turned out to be an extremely difficult day. I was badly triggered and all the violent thoughts returned. It was my dad’s words but in my voice, telling me to kill myself. That I shouldn’t be here. I’m nothing.
I also felt I deserved the violence. I did bang my head on the side cabinet. I would’ve continued, but Liron stopped me. In that moment I wanted someone to beat me up, because I felt I deserved it.
In my head, I feel the violence wasn’t too bad. I think it’s nothing. I got off lightly compared to my mum. He was careful not to leave visible marks.
I was back in the bedroom with him yesterday, crouched down on the floor, with him kicking the side of me and punching my arm, as he walked around me. He didn’t use his full force, the force I’d seen with my mum.
He terrified the life out of me. He was this wild, angry, uncontrollable monster. It’s the terror and his words that have stayed with me, along with the threat of him killing me. I knew what he was capable of. That rage was always there.
These are the words he’d say to me. They were the same every single time:
I'm worse than an animal.
He'd call me bhenchod, which I always thought meant bastard. I just found out that the literal translation is sister-fucker. Wow!! Thinking it was bastard, I used to say to myself, at least that means you're not my father.
He said I was pagal, which is mental.
He said that I was worse than an animal.
He said I wasn't going to do much with my life. I'd be painting on the streets.
He said no one would want me.
He'd put down the school work I was doing, and criticise.
After my overdose, he wished I'd died instead of my mum. I desperately wished I had.
He criticised my accent, saying that he chose not to change his Indian accent.
He'd also destroy something that meant a lot to me. It was either a present from my dear friend or something I'd made. This is the moment he would've kicked the shit out of me. He did have some control.
There’s a part of me that feels I deserve all of this, and believes that this is who I am. I shouldn’t exist. This is the dark side of me. This is the side I feel people would run away from, along with my triggered states. They’d be repulsed by me and think I’m crazy. I think I’m repulsive.
I also feel I’m completely mad. Liron said I’m not mad, I’m just hurt and traumatised. I really don’t want to be here at the moment. I don’t see the point of my existence. I’m just a fucked up mess. I’m just a fucked up piece of shit.
My dad couldn’t regulate his emotions. I saw his rage build over a week or two, and then he’d just explode, using something I did as an excuse for his violence.
It could be a few books being on the floor by my desk, or a tiny piece of paper on the floor, about 1-2cm. It could be something he wasn’t happy with, such as me wanting to do a paper round, or an extra school project. It’s when he couldn’t control me.
It does feel unsurmountable at the moment. I wish I could disappear from myself and have some peace.
It’s 10:36. I was really shocked when I saw my face in the mirror. I look so sad. The pain is showing. It doesn’t look like me. I look dead.
I also feel very ill. My ears are bunged up along with the other symptoms. I really do need to rest. I just don’t know how.
If I can’t write tomorrow, Happy Easter my beautiful sweetheart {} xx Enjoy the most gorgeous, sunny, delicious and relaxing weekend together. Please enjoy my share of the fun and magic as well {} xxx
I love you so much and I’m hugging you very tightly. Give yourself lots of love, care and kindness for me {} xxxx
I just heard U2’s In a Life. It did hit me. You must be so happy and excited they’ve released another EP. I am for you as well xx Thoroughly enjoy it, and all the other fabulous music for me too, my lovely {} xxx
It’s 11:11. Coffee will give you lots of warm hugs and kisses from me as well xx I’m joining you with tea. Let’s enjoy our comforting cuppas together {} xxx