Lightning Found El Dorado and Met Donnie Darko…
6th August 2025
Good morning my most beautiful and precious starshine,
I really hope you’re okay my lovely and you’re enjoying a brilliant start to the week. The sun’s shining gloriously for you. If you haven’t already, have a very safe, smooth and comfortable journey home. I am thinking of you {} xxx
I got my blood test results back. Everything is normal now except for the stored iron, it’s is a bit too high. Hopefully it’ll come down with time. It can have negative side effects as well. It’s a huge relief to know my haemoglobin levels are now fine. The tranexamic acid tablets did affect my energy and my brain severely. I’ve noticed the difference since stopping them.
I imagine you’ve already listened to Paul Weller’s Find El Dorado album. I hope you’ve fallen in love with it. I imagine you have. I wish I could’ve shared it with you. I do miss you {} xx
I was waiting for my copy to arrive on the release date. It never arrived on the Saturday either. I checked my emails and bank account. Nothing. I then remembered I had difficulty checking out on Paul’s website and completely forgot to go back. Anyway, Lightning has found it and we’ll be listening to it today. I hope we can all enjoy it together.
Lightning’s a huge fan of Donnie Darko and loves the soundtrack as well. It’s a brilliant film. We revisited both the released version and the director’s cut. I do prefer the released version. Initially it was because they’d changed the opening track from The Killing Moon to Never Tear Us Apart. I love both songs, but I don’t think Never Tear Us Apart works as well, although I can see the reasoning for it. I feel Killing Moon is perfect for the opening scene and mood, and it rides in harmony with the bike.
Despite being interesting, I found the excerpts of Roberta Sparrow’s book, The Philosophy of Time Travel, distracting.They stopped the flow of the story for me. I felt the information wasn’t necessary, and it sadly took away the ambiguity that was in the released version.
It’s great to compare the two back to back, to see what worked and what didn’t. It reminded me of experimenting with creative ideas and the importance of that process.
I never got to ask you your thoughts about Donnie Darko. What do you think of it? I also never asked if you’ve played The Killing Moon. You’d be brilliant {} xx
The released version also gave my brain a chance to think about the story at the end. This time I found myself asking, would I want to go back and change anything in my life? Would I want to go back so that my mum didn’t take that fatal trip to India? Of course I would, but then my life would be completely different now.
I’m extremely happy and thankful with everyone who is in my life. Apart from my oldest friend, I wouldn’t have met any of you without all the bad things happening. Liron helped break the abusive cycle I was in, but I wouldn’t have met her if I hadn’t have been with that dangerous person.
There’s been a lot of positive things in my life. The effects of the trauma has been an unwelcome constant, but I’m trying my best to heal from it. The only thing I’m extremely unhappy with right now is my health and how debilitating it is. I have no control over this. I’m learning that we don’t have control over a lot of things that happen in our lives. It takes over and we adapt, learn and grow.
Would I want to go back and change what happened with us in November and February? Absolutely, but then I’d still have the unknown core wounds buried within me. They would have stayed dormant if you hadn’t triggered them, and they would’ve continued affecting me unconsciously and severely, especially with you. That would’ve been awful for both of us.
So many things make sense now. I just hope there is a chance we can resume our precious friendship once I get through this. I hope so. I also really hope you’re okay my lovely. I really hope you are. I wish I could hug you {} xxx
There’s an interesting article in the New Scientist, but it’s behind a pay wall so I can’t read it. It’s about free will. Researchers have found a way to test the theory using quantum physics. They will see whether quantum physics places limits on us regarding free will.
The thought of not having free will scares me. I know most things are out of my control. It’s only in hindsight that I can see that certain things happened for a reason, but I now realise this is also my way of making sense of things and coming to terms with it, especially when it’s traumatic. I always try to see some good coming out of it, and it’s usually been about personal growth.
This illness completely threw me, and unlike previous traumas, I don’t have the energy to use my survival mechanisms. It’s left me stuck in my body and in this room, but after coming to terms with it and accepting it, I can see I’m learning and growing a lot from this experience. It doesn’t take the pain away, but it stops it from being unbearable.
There are things that can’t be explained, they just are. Our words and actions also have consequences. Then there’s our subconscious that has a mind and life of its own, which plays a huge role in our thoughts and behaviour.
I would like to think we do have some level of control over our lives though, and that it’s not predetermined by any force, whether its godly or scientifically. Talk Talk’s Life’s What You Make It comes to mind. I would love to know your thoughts about free will. Perhaps someday.
In the meantime, let’s enjoy spending some time with Paul in El Dorado {} xx
Take the greatest and gentlest care of yourself my wonderful one. I love you and I’m hugging you with all my heart and soul {} xxxx
Your magic hugs have stayed with me. I can still feel them. They haven’t let me go. I hope they never will…