Loss and Pain…

29th January 2025

Loss © 2022 / 2025 Priti Patel

I feel losing you is on the same scale as losing my mum. It really does feel like it…


1 February 2025

I just realised, I was very playful with you, and the last time I was as playful was with my mum. Everything changed when she died.

The pain of losing you is the same as when I lost her. Since it’s the same, all the things with the same level of pain are starting to brim to the surface. It was already simmering. This was inevitable, as it is with all triggers.

The thing I’ve always feared the most was feeling the pain of all the trauma I’ve experienced. It terrified me. I thought it would completely overwhelm me and be uncontrollable. I didn’t think I’d be able to cope. I didn’t think I’d be able to survive.

The pain I’m feeling with you is unbearable at times. The first couple of months were excruciating. It still feels overwhelming and uncontrollable, but it comes in waves. Sometimes it’s crushing, but it hasn’t killed me. I now know if I can feel this, then I can feel all the other things as well. It’s time. I’ve been in therapy for long enough to know it will come in chunks and waves. There’s a lot to work through.

The fear of feeling this pain has finally gone because I’m going through it with you.

I really do hope you are okay my lovely {} xxx Again, I can’t help but worry about you. I worry quite a lot. I know how triggers work, and how they bring up unresolved things, when we come close to feeling the same emotions in the present.

I know you have your automatic safety mechanism, so I hope that kicked in fairly quickly to keep you safe. Knowing what I know, I wish I could help. That hurts me as well, knowing that I can’t.

In the same way you wanted me to fully recover from this illness and be happy, I want you to fully heal and be happy just as much. I wish that with all my heart. I really do. I love you and I’m hugging you extra tightly {} xxxx

Nnight…

Letters of Love, Regret and Hope