No Man’s Land…
1st January 2025
For the first time in my life, it doesn’t feel like a new year. It feels like a continuation. I don’t know why, but the pain is feeling very raw again. It felt unbearable this morning, and it’s starting again as I’m writing this.
Cosmic Love by Florence and the Machine, at the BBC Proms, popped up this morning and it brought me to tears. I’ve been left in the dark. I’m living in twilight with my starshine in my heart.
I feel like I’m in no man’s land. Every time I get a WhatsApp message, there’s still a part of me that’s desperately hoping it’s you. But then I know I’m not in the right place to hear from you at the moment. There’s just too much pain. I’d fall apart.
I know I can’t go back, so I’m stuck here in no man’s land. I know I can’t avoid this grief. I can’t run away from it, as much as I want to. I know I need to go through whatever it is I need to, to see the light again.
Sailing by Christopher Cross also popped up this morning. I thought of you my adorable sweetheart {} xxx I remember sending it to you. I think the lyrics and imagery are so beautiful:
“…you can find the joy of innocence again…the canvas can do miracles…Soon I will be free” Extracts of Sailing by Christopher Cross
With now being confined to this room, I can fully relate to these words. My imagination is one of the ways I can escape, and it was wonderful and very exciting to be able to escape with you from time to time.
I wish we could go sailing again with some bottles of red. It was a lot of fun to discover an idyllic place where we could sail away to in our imagination. I was so happy when you said yes and asked me to get the boat ready.
We went to some fabulous places for lunch in Italy, France and Spain. There were two gorgeous visits to Cascai, one at their fabulous Mar do Inferno fish restaurant. Octopus was off limits. I only found out recently that they have three hearts. The Doctor is special with two, so octopus is extra special.
Wherever we went, a table was always waiting for us with some wine and sunshine…
We never spoke about our adventures because our memories got wiped. Our boat was very special because it was a time machine. I picked you up from work for lunch, dropped you back and no one noticed. I also picked you up on a number of evenings.
I was over the moon you enjoyed sailing away with me for that brief moment. Sail Away by David Gray comes to mind. I remember sending you the brilliant live version at The Hammersmith Apollo. My heart has always been in your hands {} xxxx
I can no longer get our boat and its sails ready. It’s going to be sitting there for quite some time. Sense of adventure and excitement has gone. The magic’s gone…