Plants, Sunshine and Memories with My Mum…
25th July 2025
Hello my most beautiful and precious starshine,
I hope you’re okay my lovely and you’re enjoying the most gorgeous day with sunshine. Whether you’re here or there, I know the sun will be shining for you too {} xxx It feels like summer again. Wonderful!
I’m still badly crashed, but my body is starting to warm up now. Chills have been severe this time. I still feel fluey. I’m not helping myself. The problem with triggers is that they don’t let you rest peacefully. I feel restless. I couldn’t stop myself from taking photos of the plants for you earlier, but I know I can’t push it with a shower. Tomorrow.
I imagine your beautiful magical garden is looking even more magical, and attracting lots of special friends. Speaking of special friends, I’ve never heard of or seen a rosefinch. So beautiful with their pink feathers.
Memories of my mum are flooding in, along with the pain I’ve repressed. It was frightening seeing her deteriorate so quickly and suffer so badly during her final year. I feel the pain as I’m writing this. I’m finally feeling it. I now realise I must have dissociated during this time as well. I didn’t know what to do. She was in so much pain and distress. I couldn’t do anything.
I know I was only nine, but I felt helpless. It felt too much, and I felt guilty for it feeling too much. I just wanted her to be better and well again. I wanted us to play like we used to. I wanted us to be happy again, as we were when we left my dad. Despite everything, it was wonderful snuggling up with her and falling asleep. I fell asleep in an instant with her. I still remember how she smelt.
I remember seeing all her tablets when she was first diagnosed with kidney disease. The table was covered in bottles and tablets. I remember it clearly. I must’ve been about four at the time.
I remember telling you how I used to take extra money out of my dad’s pocket (stole), to get the magic colouring books you use with water. My mum was losing her eyesight. Why did I think she wouldn’t notice? I had fun colouring them with water right in front of her!! You said you could picture me painting when I told you this, and that it was lovely. I was so touched {} xxx
It’s brilliant they still do them, and I got very excited when I got one in April 2022. I shared these before and after water pics with you.
I shared everything with you, including the jigsaw puzzles. I was doing things I did as a child, and you thought it was lovely {} xx I thought you might’ve thought I was being childish. You could see it brought me joy. My inner child loves you too {} xxx
Another memory that came to mind is my mum putting coloured printed translucent paper onto a baking tray, and they transformed into plastic pieces. I’m sure they had cartoon figures on them. I was so excited when they came out of the oven.
I did a Google search and I’ve remembered correctly. I didn’t imagine them or those magic moments. They’re called Shrinky Dinks. I never knew their name. Do you remember them? One of the books pictured in the Shrinky Dinks Ultimate Guide is Never Let Me Go. It has brought back happy memories. We played a lot and we had a lot of fun, just like you and I did. I miss you both with all my heart {} xxx
It’s 17.17. Take it very gently my precious angel, and enjoy the most fabulous and sunny evening, with heavenly food, tantalising wine and lots of magic moments. Thoroughly enjoy it for me too {} xxx
I love you, I love you, I love you, and I’m hugging you like the very last time {} xxxx
I almost forgot. I also remembered watching the stunningly beautiful and poignant animation, Song of the Sea, two years ago. It’s about siblings losing their mother, the process grief and acceptance, and the importance of all our emotions. Emotions were being sucked out by Macha, an Owl Witch, turning the owners into stone. She didn’t want them to feel pain.
It was on the day Sinead O’Connor died. I just realised it’s two years tomorrow. We shared that moment together along with a song from Song of the Sea. We shared a lot on that day. This is a different version of the same song, but just as beautiful. I feel it’s more moving and apt. The Song by Lisa Hannigan and Lucy O’Connell.
I’ve been searching for love ever since my mum died. I’ve been searching for my mum…
